


Bottle Notes

by Jelly_Bat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Loss of Innocence, M/M, inferred nsfw, pornographic themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-01-03 06:14:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 79,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jelly_Bat/pseuds/Jelly_Bat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin runs away from home, leaving behind a farewell letter and a diary, later found by his friends. But will this be enough to find him and bring him back home?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: A blue folded up note on the desk.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is my first time writing fanfiction for aot (and in general) So this may suck balls but I wanted to post it nonetheless. It's going to be a long multichapter high school AU and the main pairing is Jearmin (but will have some others as the story goes on).  
> Disclaimer: I don't owe Attack on Titan nor it's characters and this is a fan-based work of pure fiction.

Dear Grandpa, Eren, Mikasa, or whoever who finds this note and is kind enough to spend what little time you have to read it.  
This is my farewell.  
I don’t have much to say, and I think I can’t really excuse myself for this sudden action. But I do believe it’s the best choice I have, both for me and for those around.  
The only thing I really want to say, it’s that I’m sorry.  
I’m sorry Grandpa, I could never meet your expectations for me. I have failed you.  
I’m sorry Eren. I’m sorry Mikasa. I have failed you both as a friend. I’m sorry for being too much of a coward to speak up. I was just afraid, because I love you. I love you and I was afraid to lose you. In the end my fear of losing you was why I lost you in the first place. And I’m sorry. I really am.  
But it’s over now. Now I can be free, so please, if you still have some respect for me, if you still have compassion in the bottom of your heart, please don’t search for me.  
I promise that I will take care as much as I can. I took all my savings from work with me, so I leave everything Mom and Dad saved to you, Grandpa. You can also sell my other belongings and books. I doubt I’ll need them anytime soon.

Farewell everyone. Thank you, for everything you’ve done for me, and forgive me, because I know you are all disappointed. 

Armin A.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prologue is incredibly short but that is exactly how it needs to be. The chapters, however, will be much much longer.  
> Special Thanks to my beta purple-pyro. I will thank her on each chapter :)


	2. Chapter 1: A Grey Notebook Under the Bed.

Sep. 30th  
Dear Diary;  
My name is Armin Arlert. I’m 15 years old (almost 16!) and I’m currently a freshman in Trost High. 

This is my first time writing a diary. I’ve been told before, by many people, that writing down one’s feelings and memories might help you deal with them, but I never really considered doing so. It was yesterday, while searching for tacks on my drawer, that I found this notebook and the idea hasn’t left my head since then. It was a present from Mom on my 10th birthday. I remember it clearly; she had said this might be a “good start” because she always thought that one day I will become a writer. However, I never took her seriously, not even back then. Sure, I always liked to read, it was my passion since very young age. Whenever not playing in the backyard or the streets with Eren and Mikasa, I would pick a book and find a silent corner where nobody could bother me and soon enough I would be riding a dragon in some fantastic world or swimming in ocean depths. But I surely suck at writing. Eren would always say that I have the perfect voice for reading stories out loud, so maybe one day something would come out of it.  
Eren has been my best friend since my brain can project memories. I do remember the first time I met Mikasa, but I can’t remember when I met Eren no matter how much I think about it. Eren is brave, loud, hotheaded and stubborn. Almost everything I am not. It would sometimes surprise me how we are such good friends since we’re so different, but as long as he is by my side I don’t think it matters. Mikasa is Eren’s foster sister. I remember meeting her for the first time when I was eight or nine years old. Eren’s family adopted her after her parents (good friends of the Jeager family) died in the hands of a crazy thief when he tried to break in. After that Mikasa and Eren became inseparable, and eventually the two of us became the three of us. Mikasa is probably the strongest, most reasonable and loyal person I have ever met. I will probably write about both of my friends many times, because I really consider them amazing. 

But speaking frankly, the main reason I picked up a pen and started writing in this old notebook is because lately I’ve been feeling off. Mom and Dad died five years ago in an airplane accident when going on vacation outside the country, and from that moment everything has been going down for me. I don’t think that most of my problems have to do with that, but my emotions are like a huge file of dominos. One falls, so do the others, one by one. Whenever I feel down, everything pops up in my head at once, I start thinking more and feeling sadder and at some point one just realizes how much of a drama queen I’ve become, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

So I think I’ll start from the beginning of this school year, to make this more organized.  
It hasn’t even been a month since we entered Trost High and it never seemed less promising.  
We didn’t really choose to be in this high school to begin with. Our hometown had this weird tradition to divide junior high schools and high schools in groups. They were built near one another so you already knew that if you studied in a certain elementary and junior high school, you will be at the high school that is right next to you. This of course, didn’t mean that you couldn’t transfer from one high school to another or that you were unable to choose, but that would mean you had to get your documents back and start an entire interview for the other high school, while if you didn’t have problem being at the one already chosen for you, then nothing had to be done since they already own all your documents. The second option was the most convenient for lazy people who preferred to go with the flow and didn’t want to bother checking out other schools. As to be expected, Eren was one of those people, and I knew that Mikasa would go along with it if Eren would, and both of them knew that I would go along with it if they would. And so it happened.

The first day at school is never a pleasant experience. But it was ten times worse now that we were freshmen at a new high school. One thing that was good with the system of the divided schools was that most people you were with last year were going to be with you again, and probably even in the same classes. This is why, while walking by the crowded hallways and cafeteria, one could see groups of more than ten people hanging out together with jumping eyes and relieved smiles, thanking silently to themselves the fact that they were not alone and won’t have to deal with the seniors looking down on them. 

The real problem with the senior bullies, as I would figure out later, was less the load of freshmen (or “freshmeat” as they would call us) and more the people who didn’t yet hit puberty. Given the fact that the freshmen were indeed the youngest, they were more likely to be the target. And this is where I first enter the picture.

“Holy crap, is that a chick?” I heard someone yell behind me while opening my locker “I don’t know man, looks almost like both a chick and a dude” “I think it’s a chick” “But it’s kinda ugly for a chick. It doesn’t even have boobs” “Maybe it’s just an ugly chick” “I bet ten bucks it’s a dude” “Deal” “Let’s find out then” I heard footsteps approaching and I was praying for it to not be me.

I was teased before for my girly appearance, and it wasn’t new to me. However I felt like bullies from another school were more cruel than the ones back at mine, because somehow most of us grew together, and the teasing was more jokingly than not. 

A strong hand squeezed my shoulder and turned me around harshly, showing me against the locker that was next to mine. I looked up to meet some curious eyes while the bully pressed me hard against the locker. “What do you want?” I asked as angrily and annoyed as I could, the gesture gaining me a very surprised look from him. But not the good kind of surprised.

“Oh God…” He said almost breathlessly “Oh God I can’t believe it!” he turned around to look at the second jock with a stupid smile covering his face “ I can’t believe I actually owe you ten bucks!”. Both started laughing as if it was the funniest thing, and the more they laughed the hotter my cheeks were burning. I pulled off of the grip and closed my locker with one movement, but as I started walking away I was pushed in again. 

“Where do you think you are going, sissy?” the tallest of the two grinned. His face was so close I could smell he had toast for lunch. “I believe you owe my friend ten bucks.” 

I could feel the sweat of my forehead and the anxiety burning my nerves, but for some unknown reason, I gave him a nasty look and said “Why so? Because if I were the one to make a bet with him about finding out if you were a chick I would automatically lose?”I really don’t know what made me say it. Usually the one to react like that would be Eren. I didn’t know if to feel good about it or not, but I knew I made a mistake. 

Next thing I felt a piercing pain on the left side of my head, and I fell to the floor. I supported my body with the right arm, trying to brace the fall. I looked up and saw the jock coming back at me, a furious look in his face, when suddenly a voice called on him.

“Hey you! Leave him alone!” The bully turned around and I expected to see Eren and Mikasa, but to my surprise none of them were present. Standing there with his fists closed and a defiant look in his eyes was Jean, and behind him stood Connie and Marco. The three of them have been together on my class since pretty much elementary school, but we never could hang out normally due to Jean’s rivalry with Eren. It would seem like the two couldn’t even stand in the same room without bickering or fighting. Connie and Marco were easier to talk to. We would sometimes just sit and laugh together while watching Jean and Eren squabble and being stubborn about admitting the fact that they were in fact friends.

“I said,” Jean emphasized “Leave him alone.”

“Or else what?” both guys turned at the trio, stretching their fingers. 

“What’s going on here?” a teacher showed up and I couldn’t bless my luck any more. I saw a shy student hide behind the teacher and I assumed he was the one who called him. 

Then Eren showed up, and I suddenly remembered I was still lying on the floor.  
“Armin! What the fuck! Who did this to you?” He yelled looking at me, then at Jean, then at the two guys standing in front of me. Forgetting the teacher (or maybe even not noticing him at all), Eren jumped straight at the two guys and I silently cursed the luck I had a minute before. 

With the help of the teacher, Jean and Marco they could finally separate them. Eren wasn’t much of a match for the two jocks but he didn’t care at all. He always knew what he was standing for and he wouldn’t give up no matter how beaten up he would be. He would still stand tall, even if Mikasa ended up saving him every time. I wished I could be like them sometimes. I couldn’t help feeling helpless and weak watching him fight with nails and teeth while Connie tried to help me to stand up, like I was some wounded puppy. I felt jealous. I felt disappointed with myself. But I did my best trying to wash the thoughts away from my head and worrying about Eren instead. 

When I looked at him I immediately felt like punching myself in the face for even having the nerve to think about myself at that moment. Eren couldn’t care less about being hit or lectured by a teacher later, the only thing he cared about was defending me. I felt a warm feeling growing in my chest and I took his arm, lowering it and giving him a small hug. Eren understood my gesture and seemingly calmed down. At least until one of the jocks said “Holy shit man! Can this turn any gayer? Now I get why one of them looks like a chick!” 

If Jean and Marco weren’t there to hold him back it could’ve turned into a complete disaster. At some point Eren started to turn on Jean, telling him to release him before he kicked his ass along with those two idiots. That only made the fight even worse.

Eren got detention after school along with the two seniors. I didn’t get anything, yet I asked to stay with Eren anyway. It felt like it was all my fault. 

The last class of the day was Chemistry. I spotted a familiar face in the middle of a student mass, headed right towards it, and took the empty seat of the right side. “Hey…I just wanted to say thank you. You know, for earlier.” I said trying to not look embarrassed, but I knew I failed badly at that.

Jean turned his gaze, lazily resting his head on his palm and smiled a half smile. “You really spent too much time with Jeager, huh? Picking fights like daisies.” I wanted to say that they were the ones who started it, but the words died in my throat as the teacher entered the room shushing everyone. They kept talking about this project we would do in pairs for the end of the year, but I wasn’t really listening, not because I wasn’t interested, but because I was worried. Eren was in detention with those two jocks because of me. I could only hope that at least Mikasa would be somewhere near just in case. She was capable of taking down ten jocks like that at the same time with only messy hair as a result. Everyone had learned to know that either by the good or the bad way.

By the time the bell rang, I rushed my things into the bag and hurried to the detention room. I was relieved to see Mikasa already there and a puzzled look on the teacher’s face, but he didn’t say anything. As we were finally released home, I saw the two boys gesturing at me and heard them cat calling. This time I was glad Eren didn’t notice. 

That was my first encounter (the first of many more) with the bullies of the school. I never realized why they would always pick the weak, young looking students. Was it just to prove their strength among others? Was it to impose fear, or to make themselves feel powerful? Was it because they themselves were insecure and needed to take it out on someone? I guessed I would never find out. One thing that I understood from that day was that I had been “marked” by them as a potential prey. Even though Eren would be the one picking fights the most, they had absolutely no interest in him. This time it was me and only me. 

Bullies however, weren’t the center of my problems, nor were they something I thought would affect me so badly. Physical and verbal harassment were worse when facing alone, and although I had Eren and Mikasa, I would slowly realize how dependent I was of them. Just thinking about it was incredibly scary. What if one day they would grow up and find better friends; what if we were to grow apart?

I suddenly realized I would be lost. And it scared me. 

Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Marco, Connie and Sasha… the only guys I considered to be my friends or at least comrades, each one of them was growing up and developing into the world, each one of them suddenly seemed attractive (in a charismatic kind of way) to other people and environment and I only realized this when we transferred to this new high school. New people, new friendships, new groups… We’ve been all together cupped up in one class, so used to see the same faces over and over again; that I suddenly forgot there was an entire world and life waiting out there. I was falling apart, and it was scarier than any bully. 

And from here I shall begin writing in a more centered event-to-event way. All I did until now was like babble about everything at once, it’s almost like talking to a friend. But maybe that’s what a diary is for. I really suck at this…

 

Oct 3rd  
Dear Diary;  
Today the Chemistry teacher announced the pairs for the big project I mentioned earlier. 

I was paired with Jean. 

I really didn’t know if to be happy or not. On one hand, I’ve known Jean for at least four years, and especially after he stepped in when those bullies were about to hit me again, I’ve been finally feeling a bit more comfortable and friendly around him. 

On the other hand, it was easy to say that I knew him for long but on those four years we barely interacted with each other. The only times we would speak were when Marco and I would hold Eren and Jean back from fighting, or when I would chat with Marco or Connie and he happened to be around. Aside of that, I could say I know about Jean as much as I know about anyone else in the class, and I think Eren took it far worse.

“Jean?!” He said with eyes opened in shock “Really, Jean? Of all people?” 

“Eren, calm down, you’re spitting your lunch everywhere” Mikasa said with a calm voice, trying to focus on opening her chocolate milk.  
Eren blew off the statement. “Man! I can’t believe they paired you with him. You’ve got the worse luck ever since you put a foot on this school! Why didn’t you ask your teacher to change partners?” 

I was about to say something when an empty can came flying across the cafeteria and landed comically on Eren’s head.

“Argh! What the fu-“ 

“Heard you talking shit, Jeager.” Jean retorted with a smirk on his lips. “You are one to talk about partners, or have you forgotten last year’s lab accident?”  
“It wasn’t my fault!” Eren spat back, standing up. “The materials were defective!” 

“Yeah, sure.” Jean scoffed. Last year we were assigned an experiment as part of our final exam. We were given the instructions, the materials, and a limited time to finish it all. At some point Eren started to get nervous about his experiment going too slowly and lost patience. He began adding too many materials together at the same time into wrong containers. The result was a minor gas explosion, and the solution boiling over uncontrollably. Some girl screamed in terror and all the students were evacuated from the room because the smell was too overwhelming. It took an entire day to clean up the lab, and Eren ended up quitting Chemistry after he retook the final test. 

“Well, if you are that damn good, why don’t you show it! In bet your grades are as bad as the cafeteria soup!” Eren yelled back.

“Ha! You really want to pull that old poor defense? Why don’t you just admit that I’m a better lab partner than you would ever be? I’m clearly smarter than you.” Eren was about to respond when Mikasa took his arm, pulling him back into his seat. Before Eren could protest, she gave him a deadly gaze, and he knew that he better calm down for his own good. Jean and Marco walked to the exit. Jean was still laughing teasingly at Eren, and Marco just gave us an apologetic look and sighed.

We spent the rest of the break talking about our respective classes, teachers, and the clubs we were thinking of joining. We had fewer lessons together this year, so we accorded to meet constantly to make up for that. In fact, this year we could finally drive, so it would be easier to get to the places we wanted. The bell rung and we parted in different directions; I had Chemistry, Mikasa had Art, and Eren had History.

At some point I was joined by Jean in the hallway, who greeted me with a half-smile and a hand gesture before entering the lab and taking our seats. Working with Jean wasn’t any different from other occasions I’ve been assigned to do a project with a partner. After all this time, I’ve become used to doing the work alone because my partner would slack off or not have any interest in the project at all. Others liked to pick me as a partner because they knew I would still do the work and manage to get an A even if I did it all alone. That bothered me to no end, since most of the time I would end up doing it on my own. I became used to working solo and whatever thing my comrades would decide to do, I had to check it twice before deciding if including it or not. That might make me look bossy but I don’t care. I know that if they do something it’s because either they were obliged or felt guilty after watching me doing all the work, and not because they actually wanted to contribute. While I was checking the topics for writing, Jean was busy playing with the materials. He would carefully add ingredients here and there to see if it would make some interesting reaction.  
I heard a suspicious huff of gas and decided to intervene before something like Eren’s incident would happen again. These two are so much alike…

“Can you please stop?” I said with clear annoyance, taking the bottle of HCl out of Jean’s hand before it could be added. “Look, if you don’t want to participate, I won’t make you, but at least have the decency to not ruin MY work.”

Jean looked surprised for a moment before smirking again “Relax, buddy. Take it easy. It’s not like your entire career or life depends on this shit. Have some fun once in a while.”

I hated it when others told me I took things too seriously. I always felt like saying ‘Oh please excuse me for actually caring’ every time, but who would really care about my opinion on this anyway? “Jean, I wasn’t hoping for you to help me on the first place, so at least do me the favor of trying not to ruin your own grade. It’ll affect me as well!” I said, not looking at him. “You need the good grade so you can pass, don’t you?” I put the HCl bottle back to its place pointedly. “Because even if you don’t care at all about your grades and academic future, I should let you know that I do.”

At that, Jean took my arm and turned me around to look at him. His grip wasn’t strong at all but he still didn’t let go, and I didn’t shake it off either. “Do you really believe that this is going to serve you somehow in the future? Do you really think that the fact you made some dumb experiment and got graded for it in high school will somehow help you? Or do you plan doing this experiment in your daily life?”

I’ve heard that question so many times before. “Jean, that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to do with our daily lives. It has to do with the system we live in.” He was about to say something but I continued on. “Yes, I do believe this experiment is dumb. No, I don’t believe it will somehow help me in the near future nor will I use it again. But it’s the experiment they want us to do, to test our comprehension, our skill, our ability to cop ourselves around a specific method of working, even if we don’t enjoy it at all. Yes, the only thing I would probably get from this is just a dumb grade, but I need that grade so I can go do what I want to in the future. For me, this is one solid stone in the wall”.

Slowly, Jean lowered his arm and let go of mine. I smiled at him and took the HCl bottle again. “Besides, who said I’m not having fun at all?” I opened it and added it to the test-tube I prepared earlier, the liquid turned bright fuchsia. I took the next vial and added a bit of it into a separate tube, doing this with each on. One by one, the liquids turned into the colors of the rainbow. Jean looked at it with a puzzled expression, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. The rest of the lesson passed before I even realized it was over. Jean was surprisingly quiet the whole time being.

At the end of school, I rushed to meet with Eren and Mikasa at the school’s parking lot.  
Eren hadn’t gotten his driver’s license that long ago, probably because the testers considered him dangerous for himself and the ones surrounding him. He was actually a pretty good driver when he wasn’t distracted.

“So…where shall we go today?” Eren pulled the safety belt. “Should we go to Benny’s?”

“We were there all summer. Even the cleaning lady already knows us.” I replied.

“Yeah, but it’s the cheapest place we could afford that still looks clean.” Eren looked at me through the mirror.

“Can we just, rent a movie and watch it at home?” Mikasa interjected suddenly.

“I thought you wanted to go there today.” Eren said. “You were the one who said that we haven’t been there since the school year started.”

“Not today.” She replied simply. 

“Let me guess.” I made a focused face. “It has to do with the athletic club?”

“Yes.”

“Huh?” Eren looked between us.

“The captain of the athletic club.” Mikasa sighed. “Keeps on coming to me at breaks to tell me just how amazing I performed and how he hasn’t seen someone so talented.” Eren still looked confused. “Eventually he started asking me when I have free time or telling me where he is going and that ‘I should totally join him if I want to’.”

“That bastard!” Eren suddenly snapped.

“Yeah!” I added, containing my laugher. “How dare he hit on Mikasa and not you!”

“Exactly! Wait, what? NO!” The three of us started laughing. It was such a nice evening.

We ended up going to blockbuster. It took about half an hour to pick a movie because Eren couldn’t decide between all the new action films. He was having such a hard time that in the end he couldn’t pick anything. It was rather funny. Mikasa just chose a random action movie from the shelf (which was Terminator, as we learned later on). We also took the first and second movie of Problem Child too because we felt we needed the comic relief. The rest of the day was soon filled with laughs, junk food and blankets in front of the T.V screen at Eren’s house. His folks sure had some great deal of patience because we made quite the noise for only three people.

“Aw man! I wish we could have some kind of exciting adventure like that!” Eren muffled the words through the chips in his mouth. Mikasa hit him with a pillow.“Ouch! What the heck was that for!”

“Stop talking with your mouth full, it’s gross.” She snarked back.

“Ah.” He smiled lightly “I thought you were going to say something about me being all childish about wanting an adventure or shit.”

“No. But believe me, if you ever do have one you would probably complain about how you miss your boring lazy life.”

“How can y-“ Eren was cut out by another pillow hit. This time it was me. “Argh! What now!?” 

“Nothing. It’s kind of fun doing it.” I laughed.

“Oh, really? let me show you what’s fun you little piece of sh-“ Another hit by Mikasa.

“Eren, you sure swear a lot lately.” She stated primly.

“IS THIS SOME KIND OF PLOT AGAINST ME OR-“ Another hit.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you, Mikasa?”

“No Idea, Armin.”Another hit, a loud groan, a few giggles, and a giant pillow fight began. We were laughing out loud, trying to catch our breath in between the giant cloud of dust and feathers. As much as we liked to make fun of Eren, while hitting him with the pillow I couldn’t help but think about how much I desired an interesting adventure as well. Sure, we were young and our life just began, but what if adventure never came for us? How were we supposed to seek it? Were we supposed to at all? How much would we really regret it later?

I looked at my friends, all breathing heavily and sweating and laughing, and I wondered if we needed that adventure at all. As long as we manage to be happy with what we have, maybe that would be the biggest adventure since most people don’t notice it.

The pillow fight ended suddenly when Eren tried to hit me but missed and the jar on the table behind fell into pieces. Eren’s mom didn’t make any big deal of it and told us it was ok, but we still guiltily spent the rest of the night quietly watching T.V and chatting about all the other jars Eren had in his house. When I had to go home I said bye to Mikasa, and Eren drove me home. Of course he would abuse of the moment that Mikasa wasn’t present to put the music on full volume. Usually I would say something about it, but this time I was silent. The beat of the song was making my blood rush and I was feeling pretty joyful just letting it be.

Even the tiniest little moment of happiness with your friends could be such a great adventure.

Oct 5th 

Dear Diary,

A quick note before I go to sleep: Never judge a masterpiece by the first look at it. There are many interesting details you might miss. Maybe I’m saying that incorrectly but I really don’t know how to make it look all classy and deep. 

Today I was really surprised. The good kind of surprised. After my last talk with Jean I was sure I’d be doing all the work by myself, as usual, but I was wrong. In fact, Jean took all the papers and started asking me what I’d already accomplished and what we should do next and how should we divide it equally. I think I might have looked too shocked because at some point he just turned around and said “Listen, I’m sorry about the last time ok? I didn’t really intend to come up as a jerk. I get it. I get your reasons and why this is so important for you and all that jazz,” He paused and got back to work “but I still believe that you really need to learn to take it easier and have more fun.” he finished.

We didn’t say anything for the rest of the class. At first I was still a bit surprised by the sudden turn of events, and I constantly checked on him (to his silent annoyance) but by the end of the lesson I felt a strange confidence about working with him. Jean was smarter than one would assume by looking at him, and he could be really serious. I found it strangely easy and pleasant to work with him. I just really hope this is not some “one moment glory” and I’m actually looking forward into working with him! 

As I made my way through the corridor of classrooms, my good mood disappeared completely once I reached my locker. Somebody made a big, ugly drawing of me with a pink dress and a crown, and the big title above read “Princess Sissy”. The paint wasn’t that hard to pull off, but it would still take me at least half an hour after class. I felt so angry. Angry and helpless. I saw some drawings like these around before. All were done to students like me; either small and still refusing to hit puberty, or the hardcore geeky ones. But what could I do about it? It’s not like they were confronting me directly. I felt like punching something, and I closed my locker a bit roughly, immediately regretting doing so.

But then the most random thing I could ever imagine happened. 

I heard a scream coming from the right corridor, and when I gazed through I forgot absolutely everything I’ve been thinking until that moment. Connie and two other guys I didn’t know the names of suddenly appeared, rushing the hallway on their skateboards dressed as Greek deities. They were singing ‘Hallelujah’ and throwing little pieces of white and pink paper to the air. Marco was running after them with his videotape camera, almost tripping on something, then keeping running. Some students were in shock but I started tearing up from all the laugher. I noticed Sasha inside a supermarket cart screaming out of joy, and Eren was the one pushing it and following them behind. 

“Hey Armin!” Both of them waved at me, but I was laughing too hard and holding onto my belly to wave back. Soon after some teacher came rushing after them, and Mikasa silently joined me by my side.

“What the heck just happened?” I asked her, a smile still printed on my face.

“Art class meets history class.” She responded, smiling slightly.

At that moment, I didn’t care about my locker. I didn’t care about anything I’ve been thinking at all, except the one piece of Jean’s advice. Maybe I really needed to try and have a little more fun.

 

Oct 15th  
Dear Diary,

Today I had another encounter with the seniors. It was the first time they picked at me after what happened on the first days of school. By picked I mean they recurred to physical methods of course, because after our first encounter they’ve been calling me names and pushing me into the cafeteria as much as they could. 

I’ve tried to avoid paying attention, especially when Eren and Mikasa were around, because they would immediately turn around and I knew this would turn very ugly. But the last thing I wanted was giving them more problems than they already had, with the other endless detentions Eren got the past month.

But these guys weren’t dumb. They waited for the perfect moment when I was alone and all by myself. “Well, well, well.” I heard a voice say behind me. “Look who’s here.” I turned around. There were three this time.

“You know,” one of them started approaching. It was the same guy who pushed me against the lockers last time. “Me and my friends here, we are quite hungry and we need to eat so we can keep our incredible physics in shape” He stopped right in front of me. I couldn’t move. “…And I believe you still owe us ten bucks?” 

I squeezed the holders of my bag and simultaneously looked in all directions from the corner of my eye. Not a single person in sight. I didn’t expect to see anyone near the backyard of the library at this hour. The school was almost empty by now, and ones of the only buildings that were still open were the library, the laboratories and the training field. However there we no practices today, and aside from some janitors and stray students, the school was dead empty.

Nobody could save me this time. It was either running away or facing the fists. And I knew those would come. I saw the other two move towards me from different directions, obviously trying to corner me. I had to act fast, and I felt my heart beating hard against my chest.  
One of my hands was still on the pocket of my pants, and I could feel a piece of chain that belonged to my key holder in the past but had broken. Acting on pure instinct, I threw the piece of chain into the face of the block standing in front of me with a fast move, hoping to create a distraction. I turned and started to run as fast as my legs would allow me to. I only had to reach the library; they couldn’t harm me there with the librarian present. 

But unfortunately I wasn’t fast enough. 

The second block managed to catch me by the shirt and pulled me to the floor. I tried to get up but he kicked me on the stomach, and all I could do was to curl in pain. One of them took off my bag, and another pulled my hair to lift me up. “Oh, don’t be so harsh, Ed.” Said the third jock mockingly “Remember that we are real gentlemen! We don’t hit ladies.” At that, ‘Ed’ laughed almost hysterically and yanked my hair even harder. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes as I fought back with all my forces. 

It wasn’t the first time this happened to me. Since very young age I had been always been beaten up by the other kids. Whether it was because I was smart or they called me a ‘snob’ when I corrected someone or stated my opinion, or because I didn’t like to fight and it was easier to beat me up and make me cry. I was always a damsel in distress. Eren and Mikasa were the only ones by my side, always fighting my fights, always defending me. I was no more than just a burden to them. Sometimes I even wondered why they would hang out with someone like me.

At that moment, I couldn’t figure out if I was feeling relieved about them not being present or not, but the fierce pain I felt on my stomach cleared my mind of any thoughts. When the third fist reached me, I finally let out my tears. It was so humiliating and frustrating, and that made the pain worse and my cheeks wetter. I was thrown to the floor again, and I heard my bag being emptied and some of my books being kicked around. “Damn it. He doesn’t have anything interesting.” I started to recover balance to stand up but I was kicked down again. “God, look at that! Why don’t you cry me a river?” He took my Geography book and shoved it into my face. “See? I want one like this one.” he said, grinning idiotically.

I had had enough. I was already beaten up, and I seriously couldn’t care less if my body hurt so much I was crying. I felt humiliated. I felt like kicking back, I felt like cursing and fighting. But I didn’t do it. I simply let my tears fall and closed my eyes shut.

I felt a fierce pain on my jaw and I took my face in between my hands, expecting another hit.  
It never came. I dared to look up and saw them kicking all my books around, but they seemingly got bored after a while. “See you around, princess!” the tallest of them yelled while the other two strolled away, laughing. “Oh, and by the way,” He came close again and looked at me right in the eye. “If you try to get us exposed to the director or anyone else, there is more from where that came from.” With that, he turned and joined the other two.

I sat on the floor for a couple of minutes, trying to recover from the pain on my stomach and my jaw. Slowly, I started picking up my books and pens. Some pages were torn off as a result of the kicks; two of the pens were completely broken after someone stepped on them and the cover of my math book fled far away from the book. I looked at my broken things, and I felt sadder than I probably should have. I know they’re just materials, but I felt the very same disrespect towards me. 

My stomach still hurt but I managed to stand up, and after some awkward and unbalanced steps, I started walking towards home. I really didn’t want to see anyone else at the moment. I just wanted to reach my home, jump in bed and let the pain pass. I would do that when I was a child, with the only difference that mom would be there to kiss my forehead and dry my cheeks. 

I missed her so much…

Grandpa wasn’t home when I returned, and I was glad. I didn’t really want to answer any questions, so I headed straight to the kitchen to get Ice. By the time I went to the bathroom to check for damage, I was feeling a lot better, even if I would have some bruises and blue marks tomorrow.

I really didn’t know where that came from. I was having the most average day. Nothing special had happened for more than a week; no glares, no graffiti on my locker, no pushing around…  
I was starting to believe they had finally forgotten about me. 

Tomorrow, I’ll report about this to the director. I wasn’t letting it go this time, and I don’t care about their stupid warnings. I won’t talk about this to Eren and Mikasa, I won’t let them fight on my place. I’m tired of being a chicken and hide in the shadows. Right now though, I’m just going to sleep. I can’t concentrate on my homework, and my arm hurts a bit when I write here.  
I know Jean won’t be mad at me for not doing my part this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say as the chapter speaks for himself.  
> Thanks for reading and feel free to critique and leave review.  
> Special thanks to my beta purple-pyro :)  
> If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my [Tumblr](http://myjellybat.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read this story so far :)))  
> Special thanks to my Beta Purple-pyro! You rock!

Oct 17th 

Dear Diary;  
Yesterday I went to the principal and told him what happened. Since I didn’t know the names of the guys who attacked me (except of that Ed guy) I did my best to describe them. Then the principal showed me many pictures of students and I marked the ones I recognized.  
I don’t know if they will have some sort of punishment, but I asked the principal if I could go once he called them to his office, and also to say that this information was anonymously given to him from a student that happened to be at the library that day. He accepted, but I knew they won’t believe him even if he really does say so. Still, I didn’t want to face them there.  
I’ve been avoiding being alone since then. 

I tried to stay near teachers and assistants as much as I could, because I knew that even if I were to be in a place crowded with only students, the seniors still wouldn’t have any problem to come at me. I also tried to avoid being alone with my friends too much, because even though Mikasa could probably break every bone of their bodies, I still didn’t want her to fight, especially for me.

I feel like a coward. No, I AM a coward. But my physique doesn’t let me to be anything else than that…

I know I’m supposed to go and stand out to my fears, stand on my ground, that’s what Eren always said. But Eren is simply fearless. He always got in trouble because of that when we were younger, but he didn’t regret a thing. No matter how much others beat him up, no matter how many or how strong they were, Eren would simply stand up and keep on fighting. But I wasn’t like that at all. I wasn’t shy when it came to state my opinion on things, in fact, I admit that I can be sometimes even a bit rude, but I knew that whatever fight I’d start, I wouldn’t ever win, and someone would have to come to my rescue. 

I feel very bitter and humiliated by it, but I don’t deny it. And this is why I don’t have other choice but to do it this way.  
“What the hell happened to your face?!” 

“I fell down the stairs.” The little bruise on my jaw wasn’t that big but it was enough for Eren to look at me as if I had just returned from war.

“On your face? How do you do that?” 

“I flipped so I tried to hold myself onto the metals and the impact had me falling and bruising my jaw along with the arm I tried to hold myself with,” I said simply. 

“Oh,” He seemed less shocked. “Well, are you alright”?  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I had given that same reason to everyone who had asked so far. My grandpa asked if I wanted to get myself checked, but I waved it off saying I was all right. Mikasa nodded silently but I thought I had noticed her gazing at me when she thought I wasn’t looking.   
I wasn’t feeling well with this. I’m still not feeling well with this at all. But it’s already done and now I can just hope that nothing more will happen or that at least after being scolded, those guys won’t bother me. 

As for now there’s no sight of them around the school. I wonder if they are in detention?  
It’s a little bit pathetic that I’m worrying so much about it, especially when I had so many other things to worry about at the time. I’ve been thinking on finding a job after school. Extra cash is always good, and the first two years of high school are the best for work, since senior year is going to be full of finals. I know I need the job. I’m starting to feel a total burden to my Grandpa because he worked hard when he didn’t even need to just to ensure my future. I was still just a teenager who wanted to have some fun with his friends after school, even with the strange distance that was forming between us once I started to hide from bullies. The worst part is that I realized how they didn’t mind that much because they were always surrounded by other people, and I wasn’t. Then it hit me again. I was the only one who considered my little group of friends as my only friends, and without them I would be completely isolated. This wasn’t the case with them. They were growing popular, and it scared me a little.

I hated myself for being so selfish, because it would seem like I only wished them to consider me their only friend and important person just like I considered them. They deserved to have as many friends as they wished, and so I never mentioned anything and limited myself to simply enjoy the time we spent together. Although we could always hang out at each other’s house or simply sit around at some park and play board games or card games, sometimes we liked to wander to the city. It was exciting and it made us feel strangely older. Whether we go to the mall, or watch a lousy movie at the cinemas, or play at the bowling alley or rent a movie or go to Benny’s… but it all costs money, and I’d feel uneasy when asking my Grandpa all the time. That’s when I figured I need to find something quick, and I wouldn’t ever have to be such a burden to my old man. Today or tomorrow I’m going to see if I can find something.

 

Oct 24th 

Dear Diary,

It’s been a week. There is no sight of the blocks who hit me. I have finally returned to my normal self, walking around school freely and the marks on my body are slowly fading away. That’s the good news.

As for the bad news, I’ve been looking for a job the entire week, but I can’t find anything.  
Each owner asks for your age and your experience. When I say I have none they look at me like I should be ashamed of asking on the first place. But how am I supposed to have experience if everyone denies me an opportunity to gain any? It’s not like one is born with experience, you have to start from zero at some point. Besides, most of these jobs were done as a summer pastime or, just like in my case, to reserve some cash while I’m able to. Most of them weren’t someone permanent lifetime job, so the experience wasn’t really something to rely on.  
Most didn’t even believe I was almost 16, saying that they didn’t want their shop look like they hired minors. I’m really offended and I haven’t been able to think about anything else all week.

“You know, you were the one who told me to focus in the first place, but you’ve been spacing out a lot lately.” This was the first thing I heard Jean say when we took our seats in the lab, even though I’m sure it was not the first thing he had said. “Are you sure that that one hit you got from your fall didn’t do anything to you? Like, you know what I mean,” Jean gestured a finger to his ear, moving it in circles. I couldn’t contain a pout, even though I knew he didn’t imply I was going nuts to offend me.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I’m just having a hard time finding a job and it’s a bit frustrating.”

“A job?” He raised a brow “Why do you need a job? Are you having problems at home?”

“Well, my grandpa has been the only one working after the death of my parents” I said, lowering my voice a bit. “He was supposed to retire already but he kept working, because my parents’ savings won’t last forever…” I could see Jean’s eyes soften. “Besides, I also want to have some cash to have fun with my friends sometimes.” I smiled at him. Neither of us was working on our project at the moment, but there was this feeling that somehow there was nothing wrong with this. We could always do it later.

“Have you checked the downtown of the city?” Jean said after a minute of silence.

“Isn’t that a bit far?”

“Not that much if you go in car.”

“But I don’t have driver’s license, I’m not even 16 yet!”

“Can’t your old man or your annoying friend take you there?”

“Isn’t it just easier to find something near? It’s not like they can take me there all the time.”

“Well, as I see it, you didn’t have much luck ‘finding something near’, huh?” Jean was resting his chin lazily on his crossed arms on the table. “How about busses?”

“ I don’t know…” I said, imitating him by crossing my arms and looking at him from the side. “If I can’t find anything here I suppose I won’t have a choice.” I looked around to see everyone else talking as well. Nobody was really doing anything relevant in class, except for maybe one group or two. Jean always said I was working too hard but it always felt wrong just sitting around and chatting. Right now however, it couldn’t bother me less, and I was a bit surprised about it.  
“Do you happen to know anyone who does work at some shop or any place like that?” Jean asked, still in his previous position. “It would be a lot easier if someone could just recommend you or help you get some credit.”   
I just shake my head no. We didn’t speak anymore of the topic after that, and instead returned to work on the project after some minutes of mutual silence. Of course I kept Jean’s words in mind. I thought about checking out buses and going downtown the city next week, if this week resulted to be as fruitless as the previous. Maybe I could even bring Eren and Mikasa. It was lame going all alone and maybe we could find some nice place to have fun together meanwhile. The idea made me smile a bit to myself, and once the bell rang and I was out of the classroom after saying my farewell to Jean. “Thanks.” I said grinning. He just looked at me with a puzzled expression.

It took me some time to finally find Eren and Mikasa. I searched in the classrooms, the cafeteria and the lockers, until I finally asked Connie. He said he saw them at the fields. When I finally reached them it was almost the end of the break. I saw Mikasa packing her things in silence and Eren laughing out loud with other three guys and a girl by her side. I recognized their jackets as the football players .When I approached everyone stopped laughing and looked at me. It made me feel uneasy.

“Armin! You came just in time!” Eren said happily when he noticed me. “Hey guys, this is Armin.” Eren put an arm on my shoulder and smiled. “He is my best friend. Armin, these are Auruo, Erd, Gunther, and Petra.” The girl gave me a sweet smile and waved her hand. She had the signature leather jacket of the football team with the surname “Ral” on her back. It surprised me a bit since she seemed like a quiet, polite and petite girl to be in such a violent sport. But again, I couldn’t judge a book by its cover. Two of the guys, Erd and Gunther, nodded to me while the last one, Auruo, simply hummed at me with disinterest.   
“They are the best players of the football team!” Eren continued, “And guess what? They want us to join the team too!” Eren was so excited about it that his eyes shined like there were lanterns inside of them. “Isn’t it great?”   
I didn’t really know what to say. I had no idea Eren wanted to be in the football team so badly. “Umm, yeah, sure!” I gave an unconvincing reply.

“The tryouts are this Thursday, and if we pass, the training begins next week after school!”

“Oh? And what days exactly would that be?” I asked. I had come here to tell Eren and Mikasa about my plans for next week if I failed to find a job in the near area, but now it seemed like there wouldn’t be any plans at all because I knew damn well that both of them would pass the tryouts. 

“Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.” said Petra. “In fact, we already formed a team at the beginning of the year, but then we saw these two. We believe they would be essential for the victory of the school this year!”

Eren looked like his chest was about to explode out of pride. Mikasa wasn’t that excited, but I could see a bit of relief on her eyes and I supposed it was because it meant that the captain of the athletic club wouldn’t have the opportunity to hit on her anymore. The bell rang again and the football team waved their farewell, reminding Eren to be here on Thursday at five and to not be late.

“I never saw these guys around in our classes,” I commented. “They are older, right?” 

“Yeah, seniors.” Mikasa said as we headed back to class. 

“Man, you have no idea! These guys are legends! Trost High has won the Regional Cup for two consecutive years thanks to them.” Eren had such a dreamy look in his face it was kind of funny. “And they believe we’re good enough to join their team!” 

“Wow, that’s really cool.” was the only thing I managed to say. Eren had never said anything about them or the football team in general before this moment, and it made me wonder about how he knew all this. I felt happy for him, I really did, but it also made me a bit sad inside because that would mean we’ll spend less time together after school. I didn’t know how I’d manage to have a job and hang out with them at the same time, and this only made it more complicated.

The athletic team had fewer practices and most were usually during school. I decided to say nothing about next week; I felt like it would be really random even if that was what I actually wanted to talk about. Besides, who knew how things would turn out this week. I have this stupid habit of planning too far ahead only to drop it all afterwards because something would pop up from who knows where and change everything. It was still a good thing though, that I planned everything ahead, because I would think about all the possibilities that may occur and all the things that needed to be done in case something didn’t go well or didn’t turn out to be as planned.   
I think I just made it seem like something difficult and professional writing it that way, but it’s really simple and common. At least I know I was good at that, planning and analyzing. It’s probably the only thing I can do well, really…

In any case, I think I can also ask Connie and Sasha to join me, since we really hadn’t spent time together lately as well. 

And this is when I have to confess.

I’m scared of being left alone. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, and I feel like I’m being ridiculous but sometimes I just can’t help it. 

I’ve ranted so much about school and friends and whatnot and I think that if anyone was to read this diary they would already understand that I’m just really awful at centering events and my emotions about these events. 

I know I’m just being silly, but I’ve heard so many stories about friends growing apart in high school that I had to stop and think about it. The first time I realized that the only family I have left are my Grandpa and my friends was after my parents died. Then I started to wonder what will happen if WE were the ones to grow apart. 

It makes me somewhat nervous. And I feel bad about the fact that it does, because it only shows how much of a weak and hopeless train wreck I am. 

I think I’ll go for an evening walk, I feel like I need to clean my mind a bit before I start thinking even further about this. I just need to spend more time with my friends…Yeah that’s it.

 

Oct 30th   
Dear Diary,

Now that I think about all the things I’ve been writing about until this moment, I never took the time to tell you almost anything about my friends (other than my two best friends Eren and Mikasa). I know this is a bit lame since I’ve mentioned them before, and I know a diary should be about oneself and not others, but there is a reason for why I want to talk about them. One of these reasons is that they are a huge part of my being, and the other, is because lately I’ve been paying way too much attention on their behavior and growing up… 

This didn’t start that long ago. In fact, I believe I first noticed myself staring and thinking too much about them about two or three weeks ago, while sitting in chemistry class. After Jean and I were paired for the project, the longer we were constantly working, the more time we spent together, the more I started to notice how much Jean had changed over the summer. He was taller, his voice was deeper, his face had suddenly turned pointier and longer, with his cheeks sinking slightly revealing his cheekbones. His eyes seemed a bit more narrowed and I could swear the color lightened a bit. Before I always thought his eyes were brown, but now that I looked closely they seemed almost gold yellow. I thought to myself if maybe some of those things were there before the summer, and I just didn’t happen to notice. He was certainly more built up and his arms were strong. It was obvious that he did work out. His hair however remained the same, with his undercut and the top partly dyed, and he still managed to make a “cool guy” impression that he was surely succeeding at. He was an attractive young man, no doubt on that at all, although he would often ruin his image with his overly-blunt personality or his dorky fights with Eren. Still, I would sometimes notice girls staring on his direction, but he doesn’t seem to notice most of the time. 

Jean’s best friend and confidant is Marco. He is Belgian, and sometimes I would hear them chatter in fluid French. Marco is probably the kindest guy in our class, if not the entire school. He would always be the first to come to the aid someone in trouble, and his cheering and optimistic character soon earned him the nickname “Freckled Jesus”. Nobody remembered when it started or who invented it, but Marco laughed it out and took it as something positive and as a joke to remember. He surely is a person to be admired. He as well was quite different from last year. I was surprised to see that he was taller than Jean, when last year he was shorter. His cheeks remained the same but his jaw seemed more squared, and his entire body seemed stiffer. He is probably working out as much as Jean. Or maybe it’s just a puberty thing, I don’t really know. But at least I was happy that Connie didn’t change much and thus I didn’t feel completely left out.   
Connie is the classic funny guy. He’s not that bright but he has a kind heart and loves to have fun. He is short and skinny, and his face remained round. He would always have this pout that made him look younger, yet still defiant. His hair was really short, making him look almost bald. Connie is always fun to be around, and even more when he was together with his best friend Sasha. 

Sasha was raised in a farm, far away from the town, or so she said. She has an incredible appetite, and would bring entire meals to school. Many girls are jealous of her apparently, as I would sometimes hear them gossip. “How can she eat that much and don’t get any fatter?” “Oh, here comes the potato girl, at this rate she will really end up marrying Mr. Potato-face.” and so on. But Sasha couldn’t care less about it, especially when she has food in her hands. She is a pretty, tall, and athletic girl with some weird quirks, and usually speaks very politely, probably because she’s afraid we won’t understand her Scottish accent. She’s one of the only people who could eat everything they made at the cafeteria and even ask for extras.  
Usually, girls would sit together and talk at breaks, show each other something they recently bought, go in pairs to the bathroom to renew their make up, or check who had finished their homework so everyone else could copy. But Sasha was another story. She would sit around with boys more often than with girls, talk about hunting and sports, or simply making pranks with Connie, something that would always include the scolding of a teacher by the end of the day.

Looking at my friends from the side, I started to compare myself to them often, and that has bothered me for quite a while. I would look at their social skills, at their growing bodies, and then at myself. I suddenly understood why all the jobs I applied to had people doubting my age.  
What am I? A library bookworm, always having my nose stuck in a book or in homework? It’s not that I considered it bad, in fact I’m pretty sure it’s a right thing to do. But I wondered if I was any more than that. I’m weak compared to other boys, and quite bad at sports. My body was still soft for my age, and I wasn’t getting any hairier or sharper. I would check myself every day in the shower, searching for any signs of puberty, but the only hair I would notice growing was so light blond that it was almost invisible. And the worst part was pimples. Thanks God I hadn’t had many on my face, but I would suddenly notice some big red thing that resembled a volcano on my skin and I couldn’t even touch it. The ones on my back hurt the most. And sometimes I would encounter one or two on my ass and that was kind of gross and terrifying.   
My face however, was smooth like a baby’s. I barely have some wisps of a beard growing and together with my big eyes and long eyelashes even I have to admit that I resemble a girl. Sometimes I think on cutting off my hair shorter to look more boyish, but to be sincere, I like it just how it is and I had a hard time trying to decide what to do with it. In the end I would simply end up doing nothing about it.

It’s not that I don’t care about it all, as if it was the only thing relevant to my existence right now, but its a bit embarrassing to be the only one who seemed to get stuck with a twelve-year-old’s body while everyone else around was growing up so quickly. Its not because our society seems obsessed with appearances, but because soon enough I was left out of any sportive or fun activity including other guys my age. I started noticing whenever Eren and Mikasa were invited anywhere, I was just forgotten. Its really quite bothersome because they always want to bring me and instead they receive annoyed looks from the others and I always feel guilty because I feel like I’m damaging their social status. Whenever Eren would completely refuse to go if I didn’t, I started inventing lies about having too much homework to do, despite it being the beginning of the year. I would shake it out happily, but deep inside I do feel really bad.   
Some would invite me along, but I’ve never been to one of these ‘high school parties’ and to be sincere, I was both interested and not interested. Interested because after all I’ve never been to one, and not interested because I knew it included very loud music, lots of alcohol and drunken teens who didn’t have the age to drink but did so none the less. That part disgusts me a bit because they would always do something stupid, make a mess, throw up and more and more and more. Some viewed it as the best part. They said that getting drunk was a fun experience, but I highly doubt that and don’t really feel like trying at the moment. 

My opinion on this of course, was ridiculed to no end, and I heard some calling me a ‘chicken’ and a ‘poofter’.   
“But Armin! It’s the Halloween party tomorrow! And everybody is going. Come on, it will be fun!”  
Apparently there is this Halloween party tomorrow, and Eren wants to drag me with him. He said we were all invited, but I seriously doubt that that was true without them asking for me to be included too.

Sure, its a nice opportunity to socialize (I barely know the name of who is doing the party), but I seriously don’t know if I want to go. Before, we used to simply wear costumes, go trick or treating with everyone and later watch spooky movies at Eren’s. I was somewhat disappointed about the fact that it’s not going to be like that this year. I heard Sasha talking about how she and Connie will have the best costume ever and as far as I know everyone from my class was going too.

Well, not everyone.

“You aren’t going?” I said, opening my eyes perhaps a bit too much.

“Marco isn’t. Connie and Sasha will come to get free snacks before going treat or treating the entire town and I really don’t have the nerve to put up with a drunk Eren.” Jean had said calmly. “I have no reason to go.” 

“Eren doesn’t drink” I said.   
Jean just laughed. “Are you seriously thinking that Mr. Show-Off will be against some fun?” He said, “Especially when everyone else will be drinking?”

I didn’t know how to reply, because I knew he was right. At least Mikasa will go and I was pretty sure she wouldn’t take her eyes off of Eren. That was the reason I was tranquil about not going. “Why isn’t Marco going?” 

“He promised his little cousin he would help him with his costume and candy and all that jazz. But his cousin lives in another town,” he said, “so there is no chance he will make it in time” 

“Oh.” I said quietly. Suddenly an idea was born in my head.

“You know, I’m not going as well” I said with a cocky voice. “Well, more like I don’t want to. So is there a chance you can help me?” Jean turned to look at me with a confused and suspicious look in his eyes. “I need to tell Eren something to make him understand that I don’t want to go, because otherwise he won’t leave me and probably drag me into that party.”

“Why do you hate parties so much? They are fun, you should give them a chance-”

“I know, but I just…” I really didn’t know how to explain the fact that I was very annoyed and embarrassed. I knew Eren and Mikasa had insisted on me coming, and I didn’t feel like sticking to them because I would be too awkward around all the people I didn’t know. I couldn’t just stand there like a wallflower while Eren and Mikasa went off to talk to someone, and end up as a third wheel. Besides, lately I felt like I sucked at socializing, and I probably couldn’t anyway. I knew Jean was right about the alcohol, and that I was going to be the only not drinking. Jean was right. It annoyed me that lately he was always right. I knew I should take it easy and at least try it, but for some stupid reason I was getting really frustrated about it all and so I decided to simply run away. 

I also feel like I’m doing that a lot lately…

“Just…just help me out ok?” Jean stared at me for a moment. 

“And what exactly do you want me to do? Be affirmative when you tell Eren that we have some serious work to do and we can’t really wait for another day to do it?” 

“I don’t think he will buy that, besides I hate lying to him like that.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know…”

“Why don’t you just say you don’t want to go and that’s it?” 

“I did, but I know Eren. He will drag me anyway”

We were standing in front of the lockers; Jean was opening his to search for the last notes on History so I could give it to our teacher (we had the same teacher on different periods). Since Jean hadn’t listened to the previous lesson, he wasn’t able to take the notes that were due to yesterday, so he HAD to deliver it as fast as possible. We stood there for a while, Jean having trouble finding the notes on his messy locker. I could see his books amounted on a pile, folded papers falling out of carpets and pens sticking out in between the books, doubling the pages inside. There were stickers of some bands I couldn’t recognize and an image of some beautiful girl with black hair on top of a motorcycle. 

“Eureka!” He said suddenly

“You found your notes?”

“No, but I have an idea about what to tell your bratty best friend.” He closed his locker with a quick move and picked up his bag “Let’s go find him”. I rushed after Jean’s fast steps and asked him what he had in mind. “Just tag along. Trust me” 

So I did. Soon enough though, I understood that I had to think that twice.

“Hey Jeager!” Jean yelled as he spotted Eren near the cafeteria. Eren turned to yell something back, but he stopped once he saw me. His annoyed look changed to a confused one. “I have news for you.” Jean continued. “Armin is not going to that lame party Millius is holding,” I could already see the anger growing on Eren’s face. “Because he is going trick or treating with me and the guys.” 

“And who are you to decide for Armin?”

“I didn’t decide for him.” Jean was as calm as ever and I believe that was what pissed off Eren the most. I wished the earth could swallow me, the last thing I needed now was a fight with my best friend. 

“Armin, what the hell?” Eren’s voice was completely offended “Are you really telling me you prefer to be with Horseface than going out with me and Mikasa?!” 

“No! It’s not what I meant!” It really wasn’t what I meant.

“In fact, it’s only me, Connie, Sasha, and Marco, just like last year.” Jean continued. “We were going to tell you guys to come along, but the news only reached Armin.” I understood Jean’s effort to help, but now I felt stupid “And since he was feeling way too nervous about telling you about it because you are trying to drag him to the…” 

“Sasha and Connie are coming to the party” Eren spat back.

“That’s right,” Jean continued. “Of course they are. They want the free snacks, and then to go treat or treating.”

“And why can’t all of you do that?”

“Uhhh…”

“Jean, can you leave me with Eren alone for a second?” I asked hesitantly. Now it was Jean’s turn to look offended, but he left after humming at me.

“Are you really going with him?” Eren asked once Jean was out of sight.

“I don’t know, maybe,” I said “But that’s not the point…Urgh. I’m sorry Eren.” I simply said “Listen, I just really don’t want to go to the party alright?”

“Why not? You don’t want to be with us?” Eren said.

“Of course I do!”

“Then?”

“I wanted you two to go, because I know you want to. But I didn’t want to go. I want you two to have fun, and I don’t want you to not go just because I wouldn’t.”

“Armin…”

“And I wanted us to spend it together like we used to but I still wanted you two to go because I felt like I was forcing you to stay and…”

“ARMIN!” I stopped talking and some other students nearby stared at us.

“Man, it’s just a stupid party. What are you fuzzing over so much? We can just not go, nobody will die from it.” I stared at Eren. He was smiling.

“I want you to go.” I said.

“And you?” 

“I won’t. I just don’t feel like it.” I said.

Eren looked at me, still smiling before he said “Ok. That was all about it?” 

“Yes…I suppose.” I suddenly felt stupid again.

“Was it really necessary to bring Horse-Face here for this?” Eren laughed.

I really was focusing on this way too much and I hadn’t realized I had it all wrong. “Jean just wanted to help,” I said. “God, I feel so overdramatically dumb.” Eren just laughed again. I really couldn’t believe it was that simple. All I had to do was to speak my mind honestly. I was so worked up imagining his reaction that I didn’t even consider it being so simple. Or was it that maybe Eren was maturing? 

Later that day I went to Jean and gave him a fist on his right arm.  
“Ouch! What was that for!”  
“You almost got me in a fight with Eren! Why didn’t you tell me what you were going to say or if I was ok with that lie?” 

“Because it wasn’t a lie.” Jean rubbed his arm gently.

“Huh?” 

“It was all Sasha’s idea. She said it wasn’t certain if we would be able to do it the following years so better make use of the time we had.” He said “We were really planning to do it and tell you guys, but then Marco couldn’t and later all this party bullshit came up. So we decided not to.” I simply stared at him smiling. He was still offended. “Besides, you were the one who asked for my help.” He huffed.

“I know,” I said “That’s why I also brought you this.” I added, taking out a Snickers chocolate from my pocket. Jean looked at me with fake disdain. 

“Really now? Really?”

“Yeah.” I said, putting it in his hand, not waiting for him to pick it up from mine. “Say, so in the end you won’t go trick or treating with Sasha and Connie?” 

He stared silently at the Snickers for a minute, then without lifting his head he said “No. I’ll go to the Cherry Bomb.” 

“What is the Cherry Bomb?” I never heard of that place before, but I supposed it was some club downtown or something by the lines.

“You never heard of it huh? I’m not surprised.” Jean said with a weird side smirk. He looked at me and opened his mouth to say something, but the words never came out. He narrowed his eyes a bit as if he was thinking while staring at me intensely, and it made me feel like he was trying to read my mind. Then he took a deep breath before saying “You know what? I’ll take you with me. This can be fun.” 

I was surprised that Jean would like to take me with him somewhere. It’s not like we were such good friends and aside of school I never even talked to him alone. But I supposed this would be a nice opportunity to know him better, outside the lab and without Eren to pick at him. After all, we were talking constantly ever since we were paired in that chemistry project, and now I was much more comfortable around him. 

“Umm…what? Are you serious?”

“Yeah, going alone is cool but sometimes its sort of lame.” He said “Or are you planning on going to that party? You never said what you discussed with Eren.” 

“Oh no, no.” I said quickly. “I won’t go. We settled it up.”

“Cool. In that case I’ll just pick you up tomorrow at nine.” He handed me a paper. “Just write down your address. I have no idea where the hell you live.” I wrote down my street and number and quickly gave it back.

It was a rather strange feeling. Both because I felt guilty for leaving Eren and Mikasa at some party and going with Jean, and because giving my address to a guy to ‘pick me up by nine’ didn’t really sound good. It reminded me of those teen movies about drama and romance they were passing on T.V. lately. I grimaced a bit, and I noticed that Jean was probably thinking the same as he took the paper and let out a nervous laugh shaking his head. The silence turned awkward after that, and as I searched for the right thing to say to break it, I remembered something important.

“I found your notes” I said. 

Jean’s eyes opened like flashlights. “What? Where?”

“You confused your Chemistry book with mine.” I said taking it out and giving it to him. 

“But it isn’t here.” He said listing the pages and looking in between.

“Yeah, I took it. Didn’t you want me to turn it in?” Jean looked as if he didn’t get it, then smiled.

“Yeah.”

“Good, now give me back my book.” After he handed me my book back, we said farewell and went each one to our respective lessons.

It would be a lie, to say I didn’t feel a bit of excitement about tomorrow. In fact, I’ve been writing here for an hour now, and my thoughts are racing pretty much as the topics on this note. Writing down really helps to let it out, and I can’t even explain how or why.  
I wonder what this Cherry Bomb place is, or why Jean decided to take me there.   
I guess I will only know by tomorrow night though, so I better go to sleep.   
Good night.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the delay! Me and my beta have been busy on holidays :)  
> I think I should say that I didnt really grow up at places where they celebrate Halloween, so please forgive me for being so vague.   
> Thanks to everyone who read the story so far! :)  
> Special thanks to my dearest beta Purple-pyro.

Nov 1st 

Dear Diary,

About yesterday…Nothing went as I imagined. 

The day started as usual. The same lessons, the same lunch, the same faces all around. The things that made the difference were the decorations of spider webs, carton pumpkins and witches in the walls of the hallways, the sudden “spooky” clothes everyone was wearing and the festive atmosphere.

I was in a weird mood myself. First of all, I love Halloween, and the mere thought of seeing costumes, eating chocolate wrapped in shinny paper that looked like eyes and watching T.V specials makes me smile and giggle. Second, because everyone was talking about partying, and I felt strangely relieved about not going. But then there was the empty feeling I had when thinking about not spending the day with Eren and Mikasa, and finally, the mysterious Cherry Bomb place I was going to that night. At some point I started thinking about whether it was a good idea or not to have accepted Jean’s invitation. I thought that maybe I could just tell him that I don’t want to be there and don’t want to go, since Jean wouldn’t mind at all. Or would he?

I was still thinking about it as I met Eren at lunch. Mikasa came about five minutes after me.   
“So what are you going to do tonight, if you aren’t going to the party?” Mikasa asked, sitting down at our usual table after grabbing lunch. It would even seem that the lunch lady was in a festive mood as well, because the food looked extra creepy that day.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I will probably decide later on. Maybe I’ll go with Sasha and Connie or something”. It’s wasn’t a lie. At least not entirely. I really wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t think it would be a good idea to mention that I may or may not go somewhere with Jean after I declined the party invitation, where I could have been with them instead. I decided that if I happened to go, I would tell Eren the next day.

Mikasa sighed. “Sasha told me they’re going to the party as Pacman and the Blue Ghost, the ‘snack hunters’.”

There was a weird tone in her voice when she talked, and when I looked at her straight I noticed she was avoiding eye contact. I wondered if maybe she didn’t want to go to that party as much as I did, and was going only so she could be with Eren. I felt a terrible guilt for leaving them like that, and for being so selfish. Doubt filled my mind again, but I reminded myself that I should also think about myself sometimes and that, after all, they said they wanted to go. I tried to push aside the feeling (with not much success) by trying to listen to Eren ramble about his excitement for the day and his annoyance with his new football coach. Apparently the man is some military veteran and he trains the team as if they are about to go to war. Mikasa was silent, and although she is usually quiet, I could tell it was different. I made myself a mental note to ask her about it later.

As we parted after lunch, I headed straight home. My math teacher decided it would be a good idea to ‘scare’ us with a surprise exam (I was probably the only one who was okay with it, actually) only to tell us it was a joke and laugh at us. She let us go home with only a review on the past exercises. By the time I got home, Grandpa hadn’t returned yet, but somehow he had still found the time to decorate the front porch. I had no clue how he did it, because that morning he looked quite tired when I served him breakfast. 

“I haven’t seen you prepare a costume yet.” He said to me after greeting me good morning.

“I’m not wearing one this year.”

“But how will you go trick or treating?” 

“I won’t. This year I’m going out to a place downtown…” I thought for a second about how to put it. “…with friends.” 

“Oh. Okay then.” I was relieved when he didn’t ask about it later. He always left for work an hour and a half after I left for school, and usually returned by evening, so I would see him again before going with Jean.

I wondered how I should dress. As soon as the question crossed my mind, I face-palmed. I really hated how it made me sound like a girl going out on her first date. I ended up wearing a normal purple long sleeved t-shirt with a black zipper jacket and deep blue jeans. I finished my homework with extra free time, checking my watch every five minutes. I can’t really explain why I was nervous, but I simply was. I cleaned the dust of the portrait of the smiling faces of my parents as I did daily (It’s the only thing I let myself to clean properly, because I’m allergic to dust so I always leave it for my grandpa) and looked for more chores to be done. I lit up the pumpkins my grandpa had put on the porch, and opened some candy wrappers for if children were to come by. I had just finished throwing the wrappers when the bell rung. I said my farewell, took my keys and wallet and nodded a quick affirmative nod when my Grandpa gave me his usual “be careful, don’t go alone to dark places, don’t talk with strangers and call if needed” lecture. 

I opened the door to see Jean leaning against the decorated metallic columns of my porch. He was wearing a black band shirt under a black leather jacket and thorn up jeans; I never saw him dress like this to school. He looked…different. As I closed the door and got closer I noticed he was holding two helmets. 

“Hey,” I said, still eyeing him. He noticed my staring.

“Be careful, your eyes are popping out,” he said cynically. “Everything ok?” I nodded silently.   
“Cool, put this on.” He handed me one of the helmets. There was a motorcycle in the street across from us.

“I didn’t know you own one of those,” I said, putting on the helmet.

“It was a present from my grandparents for my 16th birthday,” he responded, helping me close the little strings of the helmet. “Although my parents didn’t like the idea much. Let’s go.” As we made our way towards the motorcycle, Jean handed me a back bag. “Do you mind wearing this until we get there? I can’t wear it because you’re going to be on my back.”

“Sure” I said with no hesitation. “This isn’t heavy. What does it have?”

“A costume,” he replied dryly. I looked at him for a second.

“A costume? I didn’t know I had to bring one. You never told me…”

“That’s because you don’t have to. This is only for appearances”

“Appearances?” 

“Yes, so my parents will think I’m going to a dress up party at a friend’s house” 

“Wait. You mean they have no idea where you’re really going?”

“That’s right.”

“What?!” 

“I’ll explain later,” Jean shot back, getting up on the motorcycle and moving its kickstand. “Now listen, have you ever been on a motorbike before?”

“Never.”

“Okay. Put one of your feet over here and pull the other leg up from above” He pointed at a small ledge that looked like a pedal. I did as told, having a bit of trouble stretching my legs the first time. “Cool. Now, when I turn or lean into a certain direction, don’t resist. Go along with me.” He continued once I sat behind him, putting my hands on the sides of the seat. “It may make it difficult if you don’t, because I’ll lose balance, and we might even fall. Got it?” 

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“Let’s go then.” He pulled the trigger pedal. The motor roared, and feeling the seat starting to move forwards, I instinctively let go of the sides of the seat and grabbed Jean by his sides. I felt him stiff under my hands, probably because of the sudden grip, because he relaxed after a moment. I drew closer to him as we started moving faster, hugging him slightly as I felt the wind rushing past.

Even if it was my first time riding a motorcycle before, and I was certainly not used to the feeling, I quickly grew to enjoy it. I looked around; the lights were moving fast and if you didn’t focus on one place directly, the flashing colors would start dancing. There was a strange feeling of freedom inside of when I decided to lift up the front plastic-glass of my helmet to let the wind strike my face. . It became difficult to breathe the faster we drove, but I was enjoying myself way too much to care.

It might sound cliché, but I felt like I was flying. 

We finally arrived at our destination, and I felt my face and hands, cold from the wind and open air, begin to heat up. I didn’t even notice where we were going, or how the place didn’t seem familiar at all. It was in a small, dirty alley, surrounded by closed shops with neon signs. The encompassing buildings were tall but old, and the dark, empty display cases of the abandoned shops gave the atmosphere of one of those places our parents would warn us to keep away from. 

On my right I spotted a tall building that looked slightly newer than the others. It had no windows, and the big sign on top read “Cherry Bomb” with a two big, neon cherries in the middle. Instead of two fruits, there were two red bombs. 

“You can take off your helmet now,” Jean turned to me, “unless you want to make some silly attempt to hide your identity or something.” I was so concentrated on my surroundings that for a moment I forgot I was still wearing it. I shook my head and quickly pulled it off. Jean tried and failed to contain his smirk. “You look like you went through something terrible.” He stated off-handedly, adjusting his helmet to my face so I could use it as a mirror and look at myself. My hair was a total mess.

“Can you at least explain where we are?” I asked, trying to fix my tangled hair. Jean stationed his motorcycle in a row of scooters and bikes, all lined up in front of the building.

“We are in the lowest part of downtown.” I was about to say something, but Jean turned around and gestured me to come along. We approached the double gate, helmets in hand, a tall, built up guy with spikey hair greeting us.

“Do we have to pay?” I asked Jean in a whisper.

“Sometimes. More often than not. But not today.” He reassured.

“Who is this?” The bouncer asserted, gesturing towards me after greeting Jean with an enthusiastic hi five. 

“A friend of Marco and mine.” He replied. So Marco goes to this place as well…That was a bit surprising.  
The guy eyed me from feet to head with a raised eyebrow. “Looks like a virgin,” he said laughing.

“You’re the only virgin here,” Jean retorted.

“You wish,” he shot back, still laughing, moving aside to let us enter.

“Don’t pay any attention to him,” Jean said once we entered past the gate into a dark room with another gate in front of us. “He’s always like that”.

“Who is he?” I asked out of curiosity.

“The guy who guards the entrance,” he stated.

“I figured that much” I replied with annoyance.   
Jean pushed the second door and we finally entered the place. Somehow that single door contained the noise inside well enough to not be heard until actually opened.   
“Are you kidding me?” I complained. “I got away from a party just so you can pull me into another one?” 

“This isn’t that kind of party. Look around.”

The place was huge, and part of it looked like some old fashioned pub. Most of walls were covered in criss-crossing chains and old pictures of rock and roll singers. Weak lights overhead made the place look like the dim evening sky, and everything that wasn’t made of wood was painted black and red. There was a stage and a dance floor, but nobody was dancing. Every person present was either sitting alone, drinking, or gathering together in small circles. I recognized the song playing on the background as something of The Rolling Stones. All together, it had a weird atmosphere.

Slowly, I started to pay more attention to people than the decor. Most were around my age, dressed in black leather with high boots and silver chains hanging from their belts. Others were older, usually sitting in tight groups with matching jackets.

“Gangs?” I avoided looking directly at Jean. What were we doing there?

“Something like that,” he responded casually as we walked inside.

We took up an empty round table for three in a corner near the stage and put the helmets on the empty seat. Jean let out a sigh of relief and sank slightly on his chair. I kept looking at him with questioning eyes, and when he finally caught on, he straightened up and leaned in.

“Okay, so before you start questioning me, I welcome you to the Cherry Bomb.” He waved his hands around, gesturing vaguely. “A place hidden in the lowest part of downtown, where nobody you know from school or home has ever stepped in.” I looked at Jean with disbelief. He must’ve caught my confusion on why he brought me here in the first place, and he continued. “You see, most people don’t wander around this part of town, which makes it perfect for gangs and people who want to escape society to gather together.”

“But doesn’t it make this place dangerous?” I asked.

“That’s the whole twisted logic,” he said with a grin “The zone itself is quite risky, I won’t lie, but because of that the cops like to come to this place in hopes of catching thugs and drug dealers. So they might wander around but they’ll never come inside.” 

“I don’t know…these people look like thugs to me somehow.” I looked around, skimming the room. 

“We are rebellious, but we are not bad.” Jean declared, leaning back. “The place itself is quite old, and it was supposedly the secret “three house” of all those who were ‘different’ from the others around them. Over time it turned to be like this.” 

“How did you end up here?” I asked, suspicious.

“My grandpa,” he said with a sad smile. “He told me about this place. He used to be in a motorcycle gang when young, although this place changed a lot from when he used to be here. It used to be a normal pub, and the valley wasn’t as abandoned as it is today.”

“I see…” I suddenly remembered what he said about his bike being a present from his grandpa and his parents not liking it. “Wait, you said your parents have no idea you’re here?” 

“Yeah…” I noticed he was playing with the sleeves of his jacket unconsciously. “I didn’t think they’d approve of this place, so I never told them. Marco and I always sneak out to come here, lying about sleeping over at his house. His sister always helps out if my parents suddenly want to call his house to ask about me. His parents are more open-minded about it”.   
“That sounds like a sick adventure,” I commented. “I would never imagine you two being like that.”

“Heh, yeah… I guess it’s because I dragged him with me the first time. I wanted to see this place after my grandpa told me about his own experiences.” His tone was somewhat melancholic. “I knew my parents won’t approve. ‘Specially Dad. He had many problems with my grandpa. Apparently his rebellious ‘phase’ caused many problems to the family…” Jean suddenly looked straight at me and stopped talking. “Sorry. I don’t tend to rant much about it…” 

“No, no! It’s ok! I was really curious about it.” I offer a smile, and Jean gives a side smirk back.

“Anyway,” he continued. “I’m not going all rebellious myself. I know my limits, but I do enjoy being here.”

“So, why did you bring me?” I asked. “I’m quite sure I do not look like the rebellious type”. Jean stared at me.   
“Isn’t it obvious?” He asked with actual confusion. “This place, it’s not only for gangs and urban tribes. It’s a place where you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want and nobody will judge you.” He lifted an arm and pointed at the many people sitting around “Look at them. Nobody knows who you are. Nobody probably cares. No school idiots, no people who know your face. Only strangers with the same free spirit.” He finished proudly.

I looked at him and I finally got it. It was strange, to see Jean of all people act like this. He surely didn’t look like this at all when we were at school. I supposed it was both because of his surroundings and his parents. “I just felt like you should have some fun,” he continued. “And you totally don’t look like one who goes on parties, so why not try this kind of party first?” 

Somehow I forgot about my past frustrations for a tiny moment. “Fine,” I said definitively. “We are here after all. But I’m still not drinking anything weird.” I joked.

Jean laughed. “We’re underage, genius. Besides, even if you tried you’d fall to the floor after the first shot.” Being underage didn’t really change anything; I thought to myself. If there’s something that I’ve learned from casual talk I’ve overheard at school, it’s that as long as you have a legal friend, they can buy it for you.

“You want me to show you how can I make you fall to the floor without even taking a shot?” I said, kicking out the chair right in between his legs, but making sure to not kick anything else than the chair. Jean jumped on his seat and proceeded to cross his legs with a wary expression. 

The atmosphere turned so much lighter by then. If not for the darkness, the weird old decorations, and the background music, I could swear we were sitting in the lab, having one of those moments when we finish all the work and have nothing to do but chat. All in all, Jean was more or less the very same guy. A guy with different clothes, with other likings, with secrets and problems and probably fears that I, for a reason I couldn’t explain, wanted to know more about. `Yet, still the same guy.

Suddenly, I had even more questions. I wanted to ask about this place, and what he usually did here. I wanted to ask more about Marco and his sneaking out. I wanted to ask about the first time he came here. I wanted to ask about his parents. I had so many things to ask, but I didn’t say anything. I hadn’t come here to interview Jean after all. Although I was curious, I decided I would ask him on another opportunity. 

“What do they show on stage?” I asked instead.

“Local bands.” He yawned. “Sometimes we have nights with rock and metal covers. Today is Halloween so I bet they have something special to show.” I glanced at the stage for a moment, but only until someone blocked my view as he approached our table.

“Kirstein? Oh man, is that you?” A guy with light brown hair and completely swollen cheeks stood on the right of our table, giving Jean a friendly pat on the shoulder. He looked in his early twenties, and was wearing a black leather jacket with two roses inside a polygon painted on its back. “I haven’t seen you here for like months now! Where is Marco?” he asked, enthusiastically looking around.

“Hey, Ian. Marco couldn’t come. Thanks for asking how I’ve been. I’m fine, no need to worry.” Jean retorted with a jokingly offended tone. The guy laughed and ruffled Jean’s hair, the latter waving his hand away in annoyance. Then he noticed me.  
“Well hello! Have I seen you here before? Who are you?” He asked me.

“Um. No, I’ve never been here before. My name is Armin. I’m a friend of Jean’s.” I said. He nodded at me and smiled.

“Good. My name is Ian. I’m the head of the ‘Garrison Roses’, if you ever heard a’ them.” I looked at Jean with questioning eyes.   
He leans over to explain. “The Garrison Roses are a motorcycle gang or group, mainly known as such in competitions of high motor-performances. To put it simple, they are like athletes, but you know, on bikes”. I nodded understandingly. In fact, I remembered seeing some of those while changing channels on the T.V, but I never stopped to look at one. 

“We are even better,” he said with pride. “I doubt that athletes dare to do some of the things that we can.” 

“Oh yeah, and they like to think they’re the best.” Jean added teasingly. 

“Tsk, shut up,” Ian gave him a light fist, still smiling. “In any case, why don’t you guys join us? Riko and Mitabi are there as well; they’ll be happy to see you Jean.” 

“We may join in a while,” Jean responded, stretching his shoulders. “For now, go without us.”

“Okay then. We we’re sitting the other side, the table on the left corner of the bar. See you.” He waved his hand and dove back into the crowd. 

“Wow, you have friends in one of those gangs… Have you ever been to one of those competitions?” I asked.

“Hell yeah! I’ve even practiced with them!” 

“What? Really?!”

“Uh-huh. Marco almost had a heart attack when I jumped from one of the ramps, and it took like two months to convince him to try by himself. He was so pale that we thought he’d lose consciousness!” 

“When was that?”

“A few months ago. We never tried it again though. It was fun, but it’s a thing you do once in life.”

“I doubt I would try it even once,” I laughed. “I had enough when Connie tried to teach me how to use his skateboard.”

“Oh God, I remember that day! You fell and Eren came running to save you, and he tripped over the skate on the way and fell even harder. I laughed so hard the day afterwards…”

“…You two ended up in another one of your stupid fights,” I finished for him.

“Yeah. Oh, the good times” 

“Good times? What good times? This happens all day, everyday.” 

“Well, what can I do if Eren keeps being a pain in the ass?”

“I really never understood your childish rivalry. Why can’t you two just admit already that you are friends and get along for once?”

“When he stops being a temperamental prick, and value more what he has, maybe.”

“What do you mean ‘value more what he has’?”

“Well…” Jean looked away, and I noticed him blushing a bit under the evening-like lights of the place. He was about to say something, but then he closed his mouth. It would look like he was reasoning on how to put his own words.

The sound of a microphone boomed from the stage, and we both turned our heads. A girl wearing a short plaid skirt and high boots was standing on the platform, testing the device. I eyed Jean curiously; he was obviously relieved of the interruption. I wondered why, but I didn’t say anything.

“Happy Halloween everyone!” The girl cheered on stage “Are you ready for an amazing and spooky night?!” People turned, some approaching the stage. A loud crowd slowly formed. I could see that many were already quite drunk. “Tonight we have a very special contest! Before the Big Show of the Black Cats begins, we’ll have a special Halloween competition!” She grinned widely; her black lipstick complimented her mouth in a way that her teeth seemed extremely white. “The winner will be rewarded with tickets for the next concert of Nine Inch Nails taking place in December!” The crowd cheered loudly. It seemed like it was more than a decent reward. 

“Tsk. If I had known they would be giving good prizes this time I would’ve prepared something,” Jean commented. 

“The competition of this year, as many of you already know, is for the best performed cover of a Halloween song!” The girl continued. “As for this year, seven bands are already waiting to impress you and get your vote!” The crowd cheered once again. I doubted many were actually listening, as they were laughing at each other in drunken state. “However, those who haven’t been subscripted and yet still want to participate and impress us are welcome as well!”   
She continued talking, but I stopped listening. Instead I watched as many people with instruments entered the back stage. I assumed these were the local bands. 

All of a sudden, Jean stood up from the seat. “Come on, let’s go!”

“Where to?” I started.

“You don’t really plan on sitting here the whole night, do you?” It was more of a statement than a question. It reminded me of the tone Eren used, but of course I didn’t tell him that. I stood up, we took our helmets, and started heading to the other side of the place. I was trying to keep a close walking pace to Jean’s so I wouldn’t lose track of him in the crowd. That was really stupid now that I think of it, since there weren’t so many people to begin with.   
We made it to the table Ian told us about, and I saw a group of five people sitting with the same jackets I noted that Ian wore. It surprised me how all of them were in their early or mid-twenties, and yet they had absolutely no problem having Jean around. Sure, Jean looked slightly older and so did Marco, but I looked quite younger, and they still didn’t mind. There were two girls and three boys in the ‘Garrison Roses’. If I remember well, the names of the girls were Anka and Riko, and the names of the boys were Mitabi and Gustav. Of course there was also Ian. 

I was afraid this will become another one of those situations where I would just sit there uncomfortably listening to their conversation and nodding, but to my surprise once they made room for us to sit. Anka started asking me questions about everything: my name, where I was from, how long I’ve known Jean and Marco, etc. I then recognized her as the girl that works part-time at my favorite book store in the city. Apparently she recognized me as well, which was impressive since the book store is always full of people. The others would throw a question here and there, and when I was finished with an answer they would suddenly remember some story my reply reminded them of and would laugh while telling it. All in all, I can say that I didn’t feel as awkward as I thought I would, even if they were quite different from me. I could clearly see how they were trying to make me feel more comfortable. 

By then the contest of the Halloween covers has already begun; I heard some hardcore song I didn’t recognize, and the fact that the vocalist was practically screaming the lyrics didn’t help either. Jean apparently knew it by heart, and started to sing along at some point.  
“Dig through the ditches, and burn through the witches. I (something something something) Dracuuuuulaaaa” 

“By the way,” Ian suddenly prodded at Jean. “Do you have something prepared for the night as well?”

“Nah. Didn’t have time. Didn’t have motivation.”

“You seem way more ‘busy’ and unmotivated ever since your sixteenth birthday party,” said Mitabi.

“Leave the guy, Mitabi, puberty is full of shit,” Riko grumbled with a boring expression.

“I just miss his ACDC covers.” 

I looked at Jean with questioning eyes. “You play?” I whispered.

“That’s right,” he said proudly, and my jaw dropped. “In fact, do you see these guys over there?” He pointed the stage, where the previous band was leaving and a new one was getting up to take their spot. “I usually play with them.”

“You’re part of their band?”

“No. They are not exactly a band. They just like to play so they help out others who don’t have bands. They are like a ‘consulting band’”. 

I gazed over the stage; they were preparing their instruments to play. As soon as they were ready, a very familiar guitar tune started playing and I gasped out of surprise.  
“The Ghostbusters theme!” I exclaimed, maybe a bit too loudly. Everybody turned to look at me and I felt my cheeks heat up from embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” I muttered, trying to not look at them.

“What are you talking about?” Anka said, smiling. “I loved that show when I was a child!”

“Let’s go.” Jean tugged at my arm to stand up. “Ian, watch for our stuff.” He pulled the bag he gave me earlier when we were at my porch off of my back. I hadn’t noticed I had carried it with me the whole time. I must’ve look really silly.

“Do I look like your mother?”

“Don’t make me answer that,” Jean laughed “Just do it.”

He started running towards the stage and dragging me with him. I didn’t see the point of being close to the stage to listen to the song, as I could do it even sitting at the table. Apparently being part of the crowd was considered to be more exciting, according to Jean. 

“If there’s something strange, in your neighborhood. Who you gonna call?” 

“GHOSTBUSTERS!” Everyone yelled in unison. It was really loud but I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. 

“If there’s something weird, and it don’t look good. Who you gonna call?”

“GHOSTBUSTERS!” I yelled along with the crowd. Jean wasn’t singing at all but he gazed at me with a lifted eyebrow and shook his head. 

I had that song stuck in my head for the rest of the night. It didn’t win the Halloween contest, but the fact that the theme of one of my favorite shows was played made me stupidly happy. I ended up humming it incessantly. At some point, after the contest was over and the show of the “black cats” began (some really weird musical-like dance featuring girls and boys wearing cat costumes, including pole dancing and everything), we went to play pool. I had spent a great part of the summer playing against Eren at Benny’s, so it was a piece of cake for me. We still lost against Riko and Mitabi though. Jean blamed me for distracting him with my humming. 

After that, Jean said it was our time to leave. To my surprise, I hadn’t been looking at my watch the entire night, but when I checked it was barely midnight. I didn’t complain though; I figured the place was heating up with more and more fights of drunken jocks here and there. I gave my farewell to the “Garrison Roses” (who decided to give me the nickname “mushroom head”, to my dismay) and went along with Jean.

Outside was cold and quiet. The alley was dead empty, and somehow managed to look even creepier than before. “Leaving already? That’s not you at all,” said the same guy with spikey hair that let us enter. 

“There is a first for everything” Jean mumbled. I simply waved goodbye. The guy didn’t respond. 

I put the bag and the helmet back on. Stretching my legs over the bike was still an issue, but at least this time I knew better how to sit and hold myself onto Jean. 

“Before we go back, there is something I want to show you,” Jean said through the open plastic-glass of his helmet “I’ll go slow, so pay attention to the way.”

“Roger.”

We turned to the right side of the alley and drove to the end of the street, taking a left and then left again on the third turn. We entered another alley. The shops and buildings looked newer and the street was brighter. It was obviously more frequented by people. We stopped in the middle of the street, in front of a closed dairy market situated between a book store and a sewing store.   
Jean took off his helmet and pointed at the sewing store. “I believe that shop is searching for employees,” he looked around. “Or was it another one…I don’t really remember” 

“Wait, what?” Now I was surprised. Did Jean really remember the fact I was searching for a job, and bothered himself with helping me find something? This was a totally new face of Jean. The Jean we all knew from school usually only thought about himself, seemingly his most notable trait. 

“Marco told me about this place just before he left… he said he’ll tell you himself but we happen to be here so I though I’ll do it.”

“Oh.” That made a little more sense. “You told Marco I was searching for a job?” 

“He was talking about the costume of his cousin, and how he regretted that he didn’t live near so he could have taken him to the same place where he usually repaired his fencing uniform because it was cheaper.” Jean explained. “Eventually I asked where and he said it was here, and he mentioned that he wondered if the place was still open because the last time he visited, the owner was looking for employees and was working all alone.” I tried to look through the metallic barrier that was protecting the shop, but I didn’t see any announcement on the glass. “I remembered then that you said you were looking for a job.”

“Wow… thanks,” I said sincerely “But I still don’t know this area…”

“I know.” He put his helmet back on. “I’m going to show you the nearest bus stop. It’s the one we used with Marco to get to the Cherry Bomb before I got my bike.”

The bus stop was just three corners away from the sewing store. I looked at the erased bus numbers and destinations written in yellow on the post above the roof of the stop in hopes of finding something familiar. “You take the 345 to the Main Street and then take the 67,” Jean stated. “There are no direct busses from where we live, sorry.”

“Okay. I’ll remember it. Thank you…” I hesitated before asking, “…You told me to remember the way in case I would want to go to that place again?”

“I told you to remember the way in case something happens.” He corrected. “This zone isn’t exactly the safest place on earth, as you’ve probably deduced already. Besides, I don’t plan on making that mistake again…” The last sentence was said completely to himself, I figured, as he whispered it so lightly that I barely managed to hear anything. I didn’t ask what he was talking about because I felt that if he wanted me to know, he would have said.

“Jean.”

“What?”

“Thank you, really” 

Jean stood silently for a few seconds, looking at me sideways through the plastic glass of his helmet. “Thank Marco. He was the one to come up with the idea.”

We didn’t say anything more. Jean pulled the trigger pedal again and we drove home. The air was colder now, but that didn’t prevent me from lifting up the face-mask of my helmet once again. Who knew when I’ll get another opportunity to drive fast in a motorcycle at night? Since we were on another alley, Jean had to use another road. We went through some old dark streets. My ass started to hurt from all the bumps the motorcycle ran over due to the destroyed and cracked road. Somehow I still enjoyed looking at the hollow buildings and the distant lights.

When we finally made it to my house, I dismounted and gave Jean back his bag and helmet. He shoved the latter into the former before taking off his own. “So, what do you think of the Cherry Bomb?”

“I think I’d still prefer to sit on my couch with a blanket, a bowl of candy and a documentary of National Geographic. But it was nice nonetheless.” Jean sneered. 

“Your nerd is showing.” 

“Your douchebag is showing.” I retorted, lifting my eyebrows. 

Jean went silent for a moment with his eyes focused on the still lit up pumpkins of my porch. “Listen, there is something I need to ask.”

“What is it?” 

“Don’t tell anyone about the Cherry Bomb, ok?” He looked at me straight in the eyes. “I don’t mind you telling you went with me downtown, but just don’t say anything about that place specifically.”

I was confused for a moment, but I didn’t hesitate on answering “Sure thing”.

“Cool. See you later then” He put back his helmet. 

“Goodnight. And thanks for the ride!”

He drove away and I entered the house silently, trying to not make much noise. Although Grandpa was a heavy sleeper, I didn’t really like taking risks on waking him up. He needed his rest.

I don’t know why I’m having problems at falling asleep, or why I just spent about three hours writing everything that happened tonight (or yesterday night, more correctly) in such detail. I did have fun after all, even if I didn’t tell so to Jean. I’m fortunate I don’t have school today, or else I don’t know how I’ll survive with the little hours of sleep I’ll have. That’s if I get any, of course.

I wonder how Eren and Mikasa did at the party. I will call and pay them a visit as soon as I wake up. I bet Sasha and Connie had their adventures too. I hope they saved some candy for us. 

I don’t know what else to write. It’s already 4 a.m and my eyes are blurry. I think I’ll just go back to read ‘Lord of the Flies’. I hope I’ll fall asleep soon so I won’t miss tomorrow. Good Night.

 

Nov 4th 

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m now officially 16 years old!

Everyone was so nice! Apparently Sasha and Connie have been lying to us about having finished all the candy from their Halloween ‘hunting’ so they could give me a special candy-gift for my birthday. Nobody knew about this and to be honest, even I believed Sasha had ended up eating it all by herself (which wouldn’t be a surprise. Last year she had a terrible sugar rush in the middle of the night). 

“Oh that’s so sweet!” I exclaimed. It was the perfect pun for the situation. I guess I couldn’t resist.

“You bet it is!” Connie laughed.

Some of my classmates congratulated me as well. Jean and Marco joined at lunch to wish me a happy birthday. Marco gave me a small side-hug, Jean simply wished me a simple and sincere congratulation.

In fact, once we returned to school, it was as if the Cherry Bomb meeting never happened. Jean was back to his normal clothes, his normal attitude, and he never mentioned anything about it. It was as if I had dreamed it all. It amused me somehow, but I don’t know what I was expecting. After school, I spent the rest of the day with Eren and Mikasa (as usual for our birthdays). We never do any fancy parties and we prefer it that way. Mikasa and I almost don’t have any relatives, while Eren liked to escape from his on these occasions of the year (‘specially his scary aunt, who keeps tugging at his cheeks and arms and has a never ending source of embarrassing questions). 

My grandpa brought a big cake, freshly made from the bakery belonging to an old lady that lived in our street. It was still warm and soon enough the aroma filled the entire house. Mikasa and Eren then gave me their present; it was the entire saga of The Lord of the Rings. I’m immensely happy! I didn’t think they would remember how I complained about school not giving me enough time to finish “The Hobbit” at the library, and saying that I should probably wait for a school break to start reading the whole trilogy. I’ll need a lot of coffee to stay focused at school now that I have these books in my hands, and to make up for full nights waiting to be wasted on reading them. 

November has brought with itself the bone-chilling cold, so we stayed inside my house most of the time. In fact, it wasn’t that very different from our usual meetings; an evening of movies or cartoons, junk food, board games, and something random that we would come up with all of a sudden after discussing about it. For example, once we were playing video games at Eren’s and Connie was with us. Somehow they started arguing about if there were more cats or dogs in the neighborhood, and Eren insisted we go and check. We stopped after a Great Dane (a huge dog similar to Scooby Doo) jumped us, barking when we silently approached the house. It was sort of traumatic. 

However, this time something was different, and it bothered me.

Ever since the Halloween party, Eren didn’t stop talking about it.

After staying awake half the night writing this, I paid the Jaegers a visit once I woke up. Only to encounter Eren still lying in bed (it was 16:00 p.m) and looking like a mess. It was his first hang over, and it sure didn’t look good. Mikasa wasn’t even half as bad. Truth be told, she looked like her usual self, with the only difference being the big dark circles around her eyes. I couldn’t quite figure out if they were real or just make up, but I did derive that she was sober that night.

Eren recovered after a good while, and despite his bad headache (after which I believed he would regret drinking at all, like usually happened with teenagers that drink for the first time), all he did was talking about how awesome the party was. That wasn’t what bothered me though. I was actually really excited to hear about it; I wanted to hear the details, how it went, whether they had fun or not. What bothered me was how Eren wouldn’t stop saying that it’s a shame I wasn’t there and that next time I should be more flexible about it. Or when he started indirectly comparing my birthday to that party, saying that it would probably be more fun if we had a drinking game, or that I should try it because I would probably be a ‘fun drunk’. He wasn’t as annoyed by the fact that I spent the night hanging out with Jean (which if not asked by Mikasa I wouldn’t probably even have mentioned) as he was by the fact that I wasn’t ‘tagging along’. 

On my part, I decided to avoid the subject as much as I could. I know that there will come a time that I’d have to go with him and it won’t be as easy to say no, mainly because now he had ‘tasted’ the party itself. Maybe I’ll be more willing to go, but I still doubt that. High School parties aren’t exactly like the one I attended at the Cherry Bomb, and suddenly Jean’s words made more sense to me. “A place where you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want and nobody will judge you”. It sounded about right, even if I knew that I still couldn’t be ‘myself’ at that place. It was for other kind of ‘myself’, and being surrounded by strangers wasn’t that exciting either. 

Should I ever go back to that place? Or should I just stick with our usual hangouts at Benny’s?   
I don’t think I’d mind paying the Cherry Bomb a visit once in awhile to say hello to the ‘Garrison Roses’. They were kind with me after all.

Maybe I’ll decide if I get that job at the sewing store. I plan on applying tomorrow. 

I hope that Eren won’t be such a nag about his future parties. Now that the first game of the season is coming up soon, I know more are coming…

I also completely forgot to ask Mikasa about that time when we were sitting at lunch, before the party. I wrote it down on my notebook so I won’t forget about it tomorrow. Luckily we share English tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I should also mention by now that the story takes place on the late nineties. Around 1998.   
> So, no facebook, no fancy phones nor anything like that.   
> But they do have Tamagochi. Thats quite a treasure.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE! Im sorry this took up so long. Life has been a huge bitch...  
> Also I apologize for future crack pairings that may appear. It all for the sake of the plot.   
> Thanks to everyone who reads it so far!  
> Special thanks to my (precious) beta Purple-Pyro!

Dec 15th 

Dear Diary;

I’ve hardly had any time to write this past month. Today classes were suspended because of the heavy snowy storm, thus I can finally sit down and let my thoughts flow and my hand release my emotions, sealing them away in this notebook. It’s incredible just how many things can happen in a little bit more than one month. 

First thing first, I’ve got a job now. This is one of the main reasons for my lack of time. Two days after my birthday, I went to check out the place Jean had showed me. I was quite nervous, to be honest. Because all my previous attempts at getting a job were disastrous my self-confidence has dropped under sea level. Second, because of the talk Marco and I had after Geography class that day.

“I get it that Jean already showed you the place I wanted to talk to you about today?” he said, approaching me after the bell rung and everyone was getting up. “Also, did you have fun at the Cherry Bomb?” He smiled kindly.

“Umm, yes, and shockingly, yes.” I said. Marco sat down on top of the table next to mine. “I was a little bit surprised, to be honest. I didn’t know Jean, and especially you, were into these clubs.”

“Oh, it’s such a long story,” he said, making an over-dramatically tired face. “But I think the surprised one here is me. Jean doesn’t usually drag others with him there”.

I won’t lie. I felt strangely proud because of that comment. It made me feel like I was special. “He told me to not tell anyone about it?” I said with questioning eyes.

Marco shrugged and smiled. “Jean likes to be dramatic about it, but I guess he has his own reasons.”

“Oh. Okay,” I said. There wasn’t anything much I could answer to that. “Also, I think I should thank you. I haven’t checked the place yet, and I’m going to today, but it’s really kind of you to have thought about me on the first place,”

“No problem, pal,” he said grinning. Marco had this cute habit of blushing slightly when he smiled. “But there is something I need to talk to you about. Regarding that place,” he said with a more serious tone.

“What is it? Is it because the area around it is dangerous?”

“Exactly. Listen, when you go there, make sure to have something with you that will help you defend yourself in case of trouble,” he explained.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. A knife, salt, pepper gas, something. But make sure that it’s something you yourself can handle,” Marco was dead serious. It was a bit frightening. “Hey, I’m not here to scare you; I just want you to be careful. Those streets are nothing like our peaceful neighborhood.” 

Of course I had imagined it already. I was barely allowed to go out at night, usually only when I was with someone. Going downtown alone and returning at hours in when the sky would be dark and starry probably wasn’t going to be easy to convince grandpa to allow. 

“Okay,” I replied. “I’ll get myself something today when I go to the city.”

Marco nodded. “The Cherry Bomb isn’t far; run there if needed. Do you know the way?”

“Yes. Jean showed me.” 

“Awesome.”

“You guys make it sound like it’s some kind of refuge.” 

Marco sighed. “Well, somehow it is… I don’t even know how to explain it… Michael and Hugo don’t let just anyone enter.”

“Who are Michael and Hugo?” I asked.

“I’m sure you met at least one of them. They guard the entrance,” he explained. 

“A tall guy with spiky hair?” I remembered.

“That’s Michael.”

“Alright then. But what should I do when I get there?”

“Ask for us. If we aren’t there, then ask to call someone. If they’ve already met you, they should let you use their phone.”

I nodded and grinned widely. “You are really considerate for telling me all of this… Thank you.”

“Well, if we just leave a friend to danger like that we’re simply assholes,” he smiled again.

Then I remembered something. I had to ask. “Marco, has this happened to you guys in the past?” 

His eyes narrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Have you or any of your friends been hurt there before?”

He turned pale as the walls behind him. “No, of course not. But we’ve heard too many stories and seen some disturbing things on those streets. Better safe than sorry,” he said distractedly.

He was lying. I could easily tell by how his gaze suddenly turned left, how he went completely pale, and most importantly, how I remembered Jean saying that he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. Something had happened, I was sure of it.

But on the other hand, why would they tell me about a place that was so risky? It couldn’t be THAT dangerous, right? Or did they consider me way too desperate to find a job to care? I really can’t tell. 

Either way, that day I went to buy pepper gas before going to apply for the job. It was the most effective defense weapon, and I could easily carry it with myself in my pocket or even under my sleeve. It took me about an hour to find one though. I believe that little black bottle of spray costed more than my human rights, but who am I to complain at all? Once it was in my hands, I headed straight to the bus station and to the sewing store. 

The place belongs to Mrs. Mary and her son. She is an old woman, probably the same age as my grandpa, and she usually only wears what she made herself. Apparently, she used to work together with her son, who helped her in his free time. But a few years ago he moved to study medicine and biochemistry at a good university in another state, and visits her only on holidays.

“Oh, Moses has always been like that,” she said to me wistfully. “He feels that he needs to do something worth for humanity.”

The store itself is quite old and smells of old clothes and fabric. There is a small changing cabinet, two tables, a room full of different fabrics and materials (which is a total mess that I’m still trying to put in order somehow). Half of one wall is a big, open closet with shelves of the orders of customers (left, marked with yellow paper) and Mrs. Mary’s original works (right, marked with blue paper with the price). Aside of that, one needs to be really careful about leaning over tables and walls because there are tiny needles and pins everywhere.

I was really surprised by how Mrs. Mary didn’t have any problem with my lack of experience, and instead spent my first days there teaching me everything I had to know happily. I am sure that aside of being a worker, I also provided her company, so she was more than pleased to explain everything and just have me around. 

I like the store as well. It had many customers despite being situated in such an isolated area. The work itself isn’t that difficult and quite interesting. I soon learned many different names of fabrics and textures, different types of knitting and sewing (with and without a sewing machine) and how to cut and add and memorize properly.   
Most of it wasn’t really relevant to what was supposed to be my work, but I found it as a fun pastime and another way I could help Mrs. Mary more.

The big problem is the incredible lack of time for meeting up that Eren, Mikasa and I are going through. At first, when I got myself a job, they’ve got their football practices. But now it’s very, very different.   
When I asked Mikasa about what was going on with her ever since Halloween, she didn’t answer. Well, at least not honestly. She said that she had no idea what I was talking about, and if it looked like she was spacing out, it was probably because of the new exercises at practice.

Of course that I knew this was just an excuse right away. I’m not an idiot; it’s difficult to fool me and I informed her of it. Still, she refused to say anything. At first I was a bit sad that she wouldn’t talk to me about it, however, soon enough it wasn’t necessary. 

We were waiting for Eren to join us at our usual lunch table, but he only arrived when lunch was almost over. When we asked what happened, he blushed and said he simply had some business to attend. This “business” started to be quite a common recurrence ever since. Eren was absent during breaks and at lunch, or came rushing in at the end, apologizing.

Finally, after about two weeks, Eren joined us at lunch in time. I was about to take a bite of a banana when I noticed that the pair of eyes that looked at me from across the table didn’t belong to Eren.

“Hey guys,” he said shyly. “This is Mina, she’ll join us for lunch.”

At that moment I understood everything: the “business”, the excitement, and Mikasa’s bad mood.

Mina Carolina is a cheerleader and usually joins the football team at their practices. I’ve seen her twice, always talking to Eren when I came to the fields. I remember asking him about her, but he waved it off. Even when someone from the team asked if there was “chemistry” he said they were only friends. 

Neither of them admitted that they were a thing right away.   
By then, I still didn’t fully comprehend the real meaning of everything that was coming. I even liked the idea of Eren having another friend around. It didn’t bother me in the slightest; not as much as it bothered Mikasa.

Then came the moment I realized just how fast it took them to become very close. By very close, I mean spending all of his free time with her. Sure, he would hang out with us occasionally, but he chose to be with her instead of us just as much, if not more. And somehow that was bothersome. We had spent so much time glued to one another that suddenly the idea of him having someone else he cared about just as much was simply weird. 

I remembered how I had preferred to go with Jean instead of going with them to that party, but it simply didn’t feel the same. If it was Connie, Sasha, Marco, or Jean I knew that I couldn’t care less. Probably because we’ve been together ever since elementary. But then again, even if it wasn’t one of them, just someone from our class, period, or whatever, I still wouldn’t mind as much. 

Mina was a different story. Maybe because I’m just jealous of my friends, or maybe because I don’t like to share them. It’s awful on my part to think this way, but it’s like we were prepared to dislike Mina from day one despite her being quite a nice girl.

With all this in my head I still felt better with myself when looking at Mikasa. While I tried my best and felt bad with myself for not giving Mina a chance properly, Mikasa had absolutely no problem in showing her despise for the poor girl. It wasn’t a secret to me… Mikasa’s reaction and attitude towards the situation, I mean.

I’ve known it for long time; the way she looked at Eren, the way she spoke to him, the way she always crawled for his attention and his closeness, and the feelings she held for him deep inside. He doesn’t know, but I knew all along. 

I simply don’t know how to react to it now or what to do with it. Should I talk to her about it?

It must be hard for her. I can barely see Eren now, because girlfriends take time, and practices take time, and jobs take time, and time costs more than a hundred pepper gas sprays. But I cannot imagine how it is to live with him and seeing him every day with another girl.

On the other hand, I hated how it sometimes seemed like my entire friendship with Mikasa seemed wrapped around my friendship with Eren. Most of our conversations slowly became about him and his absence. I know what the deal is, but I feel like I’m not enough of a friend for her sometimes. 

We’re both frustrated, but she never says it out loud. Instead she shows it physically. I started to frequent their practices whenever I had time because I wouldn’t get to see them otherwise. Mikasa wasn’t her cold minded self anymore. Her kicks were violent, her runs and turns were sharper, and her movements were almost brutal. Guys who were twice her size were afraid to clash with her. Only I seemed to understand that this is no good, as the rest of the team cheered for her excellent performance. 

Eren as well was doing better than ever. It was painful, to watch them both moving along with their feelings, but their feelings being oh so different. After practice Eren would run to see Mina, and Mikasa would say that she is tired and has no will to neither do anything nor go anywhere. And I would be left standing alone on the fields like a complete loser.

It kept getting worse when Eren started bringing Mina everywhere he went. Her presence at our lunch table wasn’t even a question. Given the opportunity I believe we would really grow to be better friends with her, but Mikasa didn’t seem to agree. She began to stand up and leave, saying that she had homework to consult with her teachers. Looking at Eren and Mina getting all lovey-dovey with each other, I started feeling like a third wheel and eventually I got up to leave them alone as well. Eren didn’t seem to mind, quite the opposite even. He loved to be alone with her apparently, even though I could see Mina’s guilty expression sometimes whenever Mikasa and I were left.

But Eren bringing her everywhere was really annoying. I get that she’s his girlfriend, but we are his friends, and we also deserve his full attention sometimes.

“What did you expect?” said Sasha, taking a bite of her sandwich. “It’s only natural. He has girlfriend now, of course he’s gonna spend most of his time with her.”

“Would you do the same if you had a boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“What?! You would leave me hanging there like a complete loner?” Connie boomed from across the table.

“Calm down. I would only go out with a man that can cook for me. That’s nearly impossible to find these days anyway,” she laughed.

“I think you worry too much, Armin,” said Marco. “See, Eren is your best friend since I can remember. He won’t just leave you guys like that. He will just spend more time with her, and as Sasha said, it’s natural, but nothing will change that much between you,” he assured.

“I don’t really think that’ll be what tears you apart,” Jean interrupted suddenly.

“What do you mean?” I inquired. 

“There’s a game soon,” he said plainly.

“And…?” 

He sighed deep before saying “Nevermind.” 

We all stared at him questioningly, but he only muttered something about him not wanting to talk about it if he was honest. Marco translated it for me as “Don’t ask unless you want to hear me talk trash about Eren.” I started thinking about what he said, but I had to stop myself from it because I wanted to believe what Marco had said. Marco was always good with advice after all.

We parted ways to our respective classes. I was about to exit the cafeteria when someone crashed into me hard, making me fall over. A bowl of almost boiling red soup landed on my head and I screamed in pain. When I looked up I saw a familiar, malicious smile. 

I was in trouble.

“Armin!” Sasha came running and kneeled beside me. “Eeep! It’s hot!” 

“You again?!” I heard Connie roar from a distance while rushing over.

“Whoops,” the jock I remembered as Ed said. “Well, it seems like you just ruined my lunch. But I’m feeling merciful today, so I’ll forgive you this time,” he said teasingly while turning away. “You better watch it next time faggot.”

“You fucking son of a…” I heard Connie hiss as he came racing after the guy.

“No! Stop!” I shouted, jumping up and grabbing him by the wrist. “It was an accident I swear!” 

Connie stared at me with disbelief. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” 

“You don’t stand a chance anyway! There are more than one and all of them are twice our size!”

“So what?! That’s your excuse to let them treat you like shit?!”

“I said it was an accident!”

“Armin, for fuck’s sake!”

“Let it go this time, Con,” Sasha interrupted poking my wet, red-painted hair. “Right now, let’s take Armin to the bathroom.” 

Connie seemed to struggle internally, then finally sighed and shook my wrist off with an annoying expression. The bell had already rung when we entered the bathroom and I told Connie that he should leave for class, but he refused to go.

My hair was disgusting and smelled of ketchup and boiled carrots. It took a few minutes to wash away the remains of vegetables because there was no soap and the lavatories were low. My clothes were a disaster as well. My pants didn’t get any damage but my sweater and shirt were soaked.

Connie sat at the top, near the mirrors and helped open the water for me. I still had about four periods before I could go home. Sitting like this in class would be hell, not even to mention my hair was wet and it was freezing outside. I thanked Connie for staying once we got out and headed to our respective classes.

The surprised look of my teacher pierced me the second I entered and the whispers and giggles made me feel really embarrassed. I was not used to be late to class, especially in this state. After a few moments, everyone got concentered in the lesson again, but I was anxious. It’s been a while since the last time I’ve had a direct encounter with those jocks. I realized how easy was to target me now that most of the time neither Eren nor Mikasa were by my side. I’d seen them around school again about a week before, but I eagerly evaded walking by every time I spotted them.

Worst of all was when I had finished working at Mrs. Mary’s. I was just opening the door of the store to leave, only to see the three jocks that hit me and another two walking down the street of the opposite sidewalk. I ran inside and waited until they were out of sight, then ran to the bus station praying to pass unnoticed.

I knew that sooner or later they would come back again, and I’d find myself lying in bed with ice on my face and looking at the ceiling while thinking about just how miserable and weak I was. This time, Connie was the one who almost got into a fight, and I didn’t want him to just for my sake.

I really… just don’t know what to do about this.

After class I went to search for Eren. Since he had practice many times per week I thought he might have extra clothes. I knew that finding him would be a problem so I went to find Mina instead. It was the easiest way to get to him. However, I bumped into Jean midway. 

“Sasha told me what happened. You look horrible.”

“Gee, thanks,” I sulked.

“Here,” he extracted something brown from his bag and handed it to me. It was a long sleeved brown t-shirt. “Marco and I have PE on last period,” he explained. “It wouldn’t do any difference; we’re heading home afterwards anyway.”

“I…umm...” Okay. I really didn’t know where all these sudden good actions were coming from. Why in the bloody hell was Jean acting so considerate to me lately? Sure, I would probably do the same, especially now that we spend more time together. But that’s me, and this is Jean. “I… I… eh… umm… I am…” I stuttered.

“Just return it to me later. Or you know what, you can keep it. I have another one like that,” and then he was out.

I simply stood there in the middle of the hallway shuttering like an idiot. But really now, what the hell?   
Jean and I didn’t have more periods together that day, so I resigned myself to wear it and ask him tomorrow. 

The shirt was slightly oversized on me, but not too much. It smelled of sweat and too much deodorant. I couldn’t quite figure out the deodorant he used, and I was really curious to be honest because, even if this sounds bad, I really liked the smell. In fact, I liked it so much that I spent the rest of the day hugging myself in order to smell it better. I really hope it didn’t look like I’m a creep.

The amount of classes I had that day gave me enough time to return home and change before going to work. At the very last minute however, I decided to keep wearing the shirt, just covering it with my jacket.

The evening was cold, thick snowflakes were falling, covering the streets like a frozen, white duvet. But I felt warm and okay. Despite what has been happening with Eren, Mikasa and senior-beasts, it was a surprisingly peaceful evening.

The next day I had Chemistry with Jean. Our project was progressing well, but the most important parts of the assignment were to be written at home. Thus we had to agree when to meet up to work on it properly.

“Can I ask you something?” I muttered while the teacher was helping another group.

“What is it Armin?”

“Okay, I REALLY don’t mean to sound rude but… why are you so nice to me lately?”

Jean stared at me with the most confused expression I’ve ever seen him make. “Wha…?”

“I don’t know… you’ve been just really considerate these past months,” I said, lowering my stare. “I’m just… a bit surprised since, well, I don’t remember you being like that ever before? I’m not saying it’s bad! It’s wonderful! I’m just… it’s not you.”

“Heh, it hurts to hear that.”

“Sorry…”

“It’s fine. I’ll tell you,” Jean turned to face me. “Remember last year’s school road trip?”

“Yeah.”

“Remember how we were asked to choose partners for the final competition, and I was left alone because Dazz was literally crying for Marco to be his partner?”

“Are you really saying that this is all because I ran over to be your partner?”

“No. Well, partly. See, the last competition had to do with math. I was disastrous at math. I was failing it, but then I saw that you were really good at it, so I asked for your notes once we returned home remember?”

“Not really…?”

“Yeah well, you always write these little notes everywhere, and that helped me a lot. Plus, I went to you a few times to ask you about exercises when Eren wasn’t around.”

“I remember that, but it was only like five times.”

“It was more than enough for me. You explained things better than the teacher did, and in the end I didn’t fail the subject.”

I blushed a bit at the compliment. “So that’s why?”

“I felt like returning the favor,” he said with a bored tone. “You know? I always saw you glued to Eren so I thought you were a creep, but then I understood that you were still quite a capable guy, so why the hell not.” 

“Thanks… I suppose… but ‘creep’ is really mean! I’m not a creep!” I grunted while thinking about how I spent a whole day wearing and smelling Jean’s shirt and just how much I was lying when I said I wasn’t a creep. Jean sneered teasingly.

Honestly I didn’t remember most of it. I didn’t know if it was because I didn’t pay much attention, because my brain didn’t consider it important enough to remember or because this all seemed just like another lie to me. Frankly, I knew it was a lie. I simply did.

In any case, we ended up joking around most of the lesson (something I was already used to doing, but only in this specific lesson) and accorded to meet at his house on weekend to work. 

While we were talking, he didn’t mention his shirt even once. I didn’t either. I’m going to keep it until I find out what kind of deodorant or cologne he uses. I’m too embarrassed to ask. 

Meanwhile Mikasa and Eren had extra hard practices for the upcoming game. I never saw a coach train someone like that. Eren wasn’t kidding when he said that he ordered them like they were soldiers, but both he and Mikasa were in the best of shapes. Too bad they weren’t on the best of terms.

We’re planning on spending Christmas and New Year eve’s together as we usually do, but I have a feeling that this year is going to be really awkward…

 

Dec 17th

Dear Diary;  
Yesterday I visited Jean’s home. It was the first time I saw his house ever since I knew him.   
He lives in one of the lateral streets of the neighborhood; closer to the open fields and gardens and near the small kiosk in front of a playground. His house is almost twice the size of mine, and has a large garden on the back.

I sweated slightly while I stood in front of a brown wooden door, waiting patiently for it to be opened. The porch was decorated with colorful flowers that escalated like ropes on the columns, but there were almost no decorations at all aside of them. Everything was minimalistic. 

A wave of heat hit me when Jean opened the door and let me inside from the freezing cold. His parents weren’t home apparently, so we headed straight to his room after I stripped from my coat.

If not by that one time we went to the Cherry Bomb, I would be really surprised by the view of the walls, which were almost completely covered with posters of bands, motorcycles and movie stars. There was a two-compartment bed on the right side, in front of a desk with a clunky radio, stereo, and a small TV. The cassette library was the same length as the desk, with not even one bit free space. There was a table and a chair, and two more extensive libraries on the walls filled with books, pictures, and personal belongings. A tall closet stood on the left side of the window, partly covered with shiny stickers from bubble gums. I also spotted two guitars on the left corner near the window; an electric one and an acoustic one. It was a bit messy all around, and I could see some boxes popping out from under the bed, probably after being showed there forcefully. All in all, I really liked the place.

However, studying at Jean’s house resulted to be harder than I initially thought. We were getting distracted with almost every little thing that came to our sight. It felt more as a usually hanging out after school than a meeting for studying. 

“Do you want me to put some music? It feels like we are in some graveyard.”

“Sure!”

“What do you like to listen to?” Jean stood up and went to the cassette library.

“Ummm…” I had no real preferences. I usually listened to whatever was on the radio, and I barely knew names of bands because I cared more about the songs than the artists. But at that moment I felt a bit stupid and almost uncultured in front of someone like Jean if I didn’t know any. I had to act cool, so I tried my best to remember names of singers or bands I liked the songs of. 

“So?” he said impatiently, opening his eyes widely.

“Ummm…”

“If you say Spice Girls I’m going to…”

“Smashing Pumpkins, Pink Floyd, Scorpions…”

“Scorpions?!” He said exaltedly and for a moment I thought I said something wrong.

“Yeah…you don’t like it?”

“I do! I love them! It’s just that almost nobody knows about them these days… with all this modern hip-hop and shit.” 

“Oh. Well I think it’s all thanks to my father…”

“He liked them?”

“Yes… After he died, I spent hours listening to their videotapes and cassettes. He was their fan apparently…”

“Oh…” He said with an embarrassed expression. “I suppose then that you don’t really want to…”

“Nah, it’s ok. It doesn’t bring me back memories. I just love their music,” I said simply.

“Okay then,” Jean said, taking out a brown cassette from the middle of the shelf. 

It was already getting dark when we finally started to work properly on our project. After chatting, getting down to cook something fast and eating, watching TV weekend specials, and listening to full albums from his shelf, we decided it was time to get to business. But by then we were already too tired.

If someone would have told me before the beginning of the school year that hanging out with Jean like this would be so fun, I wouldn’t believe it. I’m glad we spent the day like this even when we didn’t study much.  
Whenever he was close to me I could smell that cologne that I liked so much. I silently tried to search for it when I went to the bathroom. I didn’t have much success, but I did note something else.

“Do you have siblings?” I inquired.

“No, why?”

“I just happened to notice you have four tooth brushes.”

“How the fuck do you just ‘notice’ that?”

“You said it yourself. I’m a creep.” I said laughing.

“You certainly are! Anyway, it’s Marco’s.”

“Marco’s?”

“Yeah. We always stay at each other’s. We figured out that we may as well just leave this kind of stuff at each other’s too.”

I felt really jealous at that moment. Why didn’t we do this kind of stuff with Eren and Mikasa? Oh, that’s right; because Eren was now busy with his girlfriend and Mikasa was bitter about it. The thought made me feel even more jealous about it. That and the fact that Jean and I wouldn’t ever become that close.

His parents returned home about an hour after that. And here is what surprised me a bit; while his dad seemed pleased to see us, his mom had a worrisome and angry look in her eyes when she saw me. This made me a bit nervous, and I could see Jean tense up as well.

“I think it’s time for you to go,” he said extremely quietly. “It’s already dark outside. Come one, I’ll give you a ride,” he hurried to add.

Although I was happy to ride his motorcycle again, I didn’t know what to think. It was almost as if I wasn’t very welcome anymore, or I simply had to leave forcefully. The stare of his mother made me feel uneasy and judged.

“I think your mom doesn’t like me,” I mentioned once I dismounted and pulled off the helmet. 

“No it’s not like that… she is just… nevermind. Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok. You can always recompense me.” I joked.

He sneered loudly. “For what? And how should I, your majesty?”

“Play a song on your guitar sometime.”

“You didn’t answer for what,” Jean countered defensively.

“For showing me out of your house.”

“You dick, I didn’t do that.”

“Who cares? I know you want to play anyway.”

“Mmm… maybe,” we stared at each other for a few seconds. “Yeah, maybe I will.” 

With that he put his helmet back on and drove away.

 

Dec 22nd 

Dear Diary;

Today was the first great game of the season. 

According to Mikasa, it was supposed to be last month, but it was suspended and moved to today for some reason. Probably because they thought it would be the most exciting event just before Christmas break. 

The hallways were decorated with huge ribbons and flags and “Go Trost Winners” flyers, aside of the recent Christmas decorations. Some were both of these combined. 

This week had the hardest practices, and Eren was so excited I thought he was going to explode. The good thing is that also the cheerleaders had many practice, so Eren spent most of his time with Mikasa and me. I felt like it’s been forever since the last time we sat like we used to, without Eren disappearing or Mina’s forced company. 

Everybody was coming to wish him and Mikasa good luck. Although Mikasa wasn’t excited at all, I could read the happiness in her face when we sat together again at lunch.

“They say that the guys are throwing a party after the game, no matter if we win or lose!” Eren exclaimed.

“Whose house are they going to ruin this time?” Mikasa asked.

“At first Erd volunteered, but Auruo insisted that it has to be his place.”

“Trying to show-off as always…”

“He’s just trying to impress Petra.”

“And failing at it,” Mikasa shook her head. Eren sighed. 

I listened happily to their conversation. It was nice to see them talking like this again. “Where is his house anyway?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Gunther said he’ll take us with his van,” Eren replied.

“Mind if I join?” I asked. They both stared at me shocked.

“I thought you hated parties.” Eren said with bread almost falling out of his mouth. 

I do. I hate parties. I’ve explained already why before. However I knew that Mina was probably going as well, and although Mikasa was becoming incredibly popular (especially with boys) I knew she didn’t care at all about other people. I really just wanted her to feel that she also has another friend beside Eren…

“I can handle it this time,” I said.

“Cool!” This time the bread came flying from his mouth. Mikasa looked at him with disgust.

“Are you sure you can handle it Armin? I heard Eren stinks so bad after playing he choked the janitor,” I heard Jean say from the nearest table.

“What did you just say?” Eren stood up.

“Jingle bells, Eren smells, he stinks all the way! His coach died, Armin cried, Mikasa ran away, HEY!” 

I was a bit annoyed that Jean was overhearing our conversation, but it was turning fun to watch them bicker. I didn’t say anything as they continued.

The game was set up to be at 17:00, so the team was going to party right after the game was over. I didn’t have work today because Mrs. Mary “had too many preparations to do for the arrival of her son,” thus she gave me some free days even before Christmas holidays begin. 

I was one of the first to come and get a seat. I chose to sit in the close middle, not too far away but not too close either. Before doing so I went to their changing rooms to wish Eren good luck (I couldn’t do so to Mikasa because I can’t go to the lady’s changing room). 

“I don’t need luck, we have this game won already,” he said with confidence. 

Ten minutes before the game started someone poked me and asked me to move two sits to the side.

“Jean?” I said surprised.

“No, Santa Claus. See? These here are my reindeers,” Jean said pointing at Marco, Connie and Sasha. “Now move or I’ll put you on the naughty list.”

The cheerleaders made their entrance first, all dressed with white and red skirts and pompons, singing loudly for the team and making a human pyramid. I could see Mina, but I didn’t pay as much attention as I waited excitedly for Eren and Mikasa to show up. Connie and Sasha were too excited and their reactions to absolutely everything were probably the best part of the game. I was glad they sat with me.  
I didn’t know much about football, but from the looks of it and the screams of excitement all around me, I could tell that Eren was absolutely right, they had the game won.

Nobody was a match for Mikasa. Eren wasn’t as good, but he worked quite well with the team. Another thing that surprised me was how the only other girl of the team, Petra, was nothing like she looked like from aside. For such a violent sport, she was really strong and fierce. It was quite impressive. 

“Wow… Mikasa surely is… amazing.” I could hear Jean mutter with his eyes following each of her movements.

I didn’t comment on that, because she really was. But I still found it hard to enjoy that fact as I could still see her frustration through her violent movements.

The game was over with a huge win for the team of Trost. Their victory was so amazing that the second the game was over everybody jumped right to the fields and cheered and hugged the team. Some players were lift up and carried.

I stayed still on my seat until I saw everybody disperse. I didn’t want to be crushed in between a huge wave of over-excited teenagers. Afterwards, I rushed to the lockers to take my side bag, which I had put there after running home and leaving Grandpa a note about where I was going with Eren and Mikasa. Then I went back to the changing rooms. 

However once I made it there, the rooms were almost empty, aside of a few players that were changing. 

“Hey kid! Fans are not allowed here! Get out!” A huge blonde block yelled at me from the bench.

“Umm I’m not a fan, I’m Eren’s friend.” I said nervously. “Where is he?” 

“He’s already gone.”

“What? But…aren’t you going to a party?”

“I told you, he is already gone, now get out!” 

I didn’t protest. I stood there unable to move for a few seconds, then I slowly turned around and walked away.   
The fields weren’t empty yet, but I didn’t catch any hint of Eren or Mikasa. 

I simply walked away with my head down.

Then, I suddenly heard Jean’s words echoing in my head: ‘There’s a game soon’.

I stopped and gave a last glance to the fields, and then I walked home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the story is going a bit slow. I'm building up the plot, and there are certain things a teenage boy has to go through before getting to the real drama.


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there folks!  
> I'm so sorry about only updating once a month lately. I've been having way too much work over here, and I haven't been slacking off I swear!  
> I'm tagging this story for homophobic language, for future stuff.  
> Special thanks to the best beta: Purple-pyro!

Dec 25th 

Dear Diary; 

I believe that to say that I was pissed off for two days was only natural. Except, I don’t know if I was as much pissed as I was sad and offended by how my best friends had forgotten about me. When Eren’s family called to ask when we would come, I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to Eren or Mikasa before I saw them face to face because talking like that on the phone would be embarrassing. Grandpa had to answer for me, while I made a lie of being too busy to answer.

Christmas Eve eventually came and I found myself standing alongside with Grandpa on the Jaegers’s front porch. Mikasa was the one to open the door. I let Grandpa enter first, so she would have to close the door after me and grandpa wouldn’t have to hear our conversation.

“So,” I said while striping from my coat and hanging it on a coatrack. “How was the party?”

I had made my tone a weird combination of anger and sarcasm. Mikasa noted so, but she looked at me with a puzzled expression. “What are you talking about? Am I not the one who is supposed to ask that?”

I looked at her for a moment. “What? You guys forgot about me and went alone!”

“I didn’t go at all,” she said, still confused. “I told Eren I wasn’t going, since you were going with him anyway.”

I let go of a deep sigh. Great. I only volunteered to go so I can be there with Mikasa and she didn’t even come. Simply great. 

“Wait,” she continued. “You mean to say you didn’t go either? Did Eren forget about you?” She had a more exasperated tone. I suddenly realized how bad the communication between them had to be if she didn’t know any of this.

Then Eren suddenly came running our way and jumped at me.

“I’m so, so, so sorry Armin,” he said hugging me. “I’m sorry I forgot!”

“So he did forget about it…” Mikasa replied coldly. Eren glared at her silently for a second and then looked at me again.

“I was just so used to you saying you don’t want to come that after Mikasa told me she isn’t coming, with all the excitement and pressure, I forgot about it completely.”

I didn’t know what to reply aside of “That’s okay.” I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. It’s something about him that both annoys me and relieves me. Because we are best buddies, whenever we fight or get angry at each other it never stays like that for long. But it’s also irritating, because Eren is one to hold grudges and remind me of them here and there, while when I get worked up, I stay angry but once I let it go it’s definitive. 

The only thing that still worried me was that this could become regular. Ever since he joined the football team, a girlfriend wasn’t the only thing that occupied his mind and made him act weird. But again, this is only natural. Or so I made myself believe while using it as an excuse to brush the thought out of my head. 

The evening was peaceful and full of joy. I was quite relieved it was just like every year, and even Eren and Mikasa acted just like always. The only time I saw Mikasa with an annoyed expression was when Eren suddenly remembered he had to call Mina to wish her happy holidays. 

At that very moment I also remembered that I should probably call Jean. I felt like it would be mean not to wish him a happy holiday after we spent so much time together lately. I saw Connie and Sasha just before going home but I hadn’t seen Marco and Jean, and I only had Jean’s phone (which I acquired the first time I was at his house). I decided to call him once I got home.

When we were kids, Eren’s dad would dress up as Santa and bring the gifts. As we grew up, Eren’s mom still insisted he had to wear it. It was rather funny to see him sitting in that old costume with a forced smile and scratching his chin every ten seconds because of the itchy fake beard. Since we picked the gifts by ourselves, his new job was to bring us cookies everywhere under Eren’s mom’s dead glare. 

The three of us always bought the gifts for one another, and opened them at the same time in the morning (I always stayed to sleep at their house). When we couldn’t sleep at night we ate chocolate Santas (carefully unwrapping it to use the foil as a Christmas tree decoration after filling it with cotton) while watching TV or reading Christmas stories. 

There is one thing however, that was different this year. While watching TV specials and eating sweets, I noticed Eren’s new strange pattern. 

He cursed a lot. 

It’s not that he never cursed before, quite the opposite; he was a loud foul mouth since he was like ten. But his new swears and their use is what pestered me. “Wow what a faggot,” “Oh my God, he is such a fag,” “Aw man, don’t be a fag” and so on. Mikasa didn’t react to it at all, and I immediately understood that he took it from the football team. To be honest, I was a little bit bothered by it, but I assumed that as long as it was a joke it’s all right.

I had to leave earlier than usual because although we didn’t have school, I still have work tomorrow. I don’t believe Mrs. Mary will give me much to do, but we had some special Christmas orders. Before I went home though, Eren took me to the side so that Mikasa couldn’t hear us.

“Armin listen, I have an idea!” he had said. “How about we go to the city together on Tuesday and Wednesday after you finish working?”

“I don’t work on Tuesdays. So we can go all that day. But wait, you want to go without Mikasa?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“What’s the deal?”

“Well, first of all we would have some quality bro-time together,” he said, giving me a fist to the shoulder. “And second, because on those days there would be a lot of sales.”

“Oh, I get it. You want to look up for a present already? We still have like two months,” I reasoned.

“Yes. But the big sales are now. We can get more stuff,” Eren countered.

“Gotcha.”

“Tuesday then. Let’s meet up at the bus station near the park?” He smiled.

“Fine with me. What hour?”

“How about half past one?”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

The whole point of this was Mikasa’s upcoming birthday. It was in February, but with all the time we spent doing other things, who knew when we could meet up for this without rushing or under the pressure of time. Better to be prepared beforehand. 

Eren wasn’t the type to plan or do things ahead, so when he came up with this I knew it was his way to say sorry for forgetting about me. He also knew how to use this opportunity to kill two birds with a single shot, as he wouldn’t have to meet up for this later if we do it now. An innocent way to get out of an obligation that would take time more time from him, that’s how I saw it. 

I left by evening, saying goodbye to the Jeager family and forgetting completely the annoyance I had before, but still quite wondering about how my two best friends behaved with each other when I wasn’t there. Work wasn’t exactly what was on my mind when I got home as I grabbed the phone and dialed Jean’s number. 

The one to answer me was his mother, and I got so nervous that for moment I forgot how to speak. “Hello. May I speak with Jean?” I said, trying to pronounce his name as correctly as I could to make myself sound cool. 

“Who is this?” she asked with her thick accent, and for a moment I thought if I should say my name.

“A friend,” I decided in the end. Then I heard her saying something in French to someone on the distance, some noises, and another voice was heard on the other line.

“Hello?” I felt a smile spread on my lips from both joy and embarrassment. 

“Hey Jean. I was just calling to wish you a Merry Christmas. Sorry, couldn’t call before.” 

“Umm thanks but…who are you?”

“What? It’s me! Armin! Don’t you recognize my voice?”

“Armin? Wow your voice sounds more…”

“What?”

“I don’t know, older?”

“Um, ok? I guess it’s because we’ve never talked on the phone before. Your voice sounds weird as well.”

“Weird?”

“Weird.”

“How weird?”

“I don’t know. Weird.”

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“Um…good weird?”

“Describe good weird.”

“Just weird! Jesus…”

“But like, the kind of weird that you-”

“Merry Christmas Jean! Good Bye!”

“No no, wait!”

“What?”

“A guy can’t even joke, gee…Merry Christmas to you as well.”

“Thank you.” I smiled to myself. We were in silence for a few seconds before speaking again.   
“So? How are you spending Christmas so far?” he asked casually.

“I just came home from Eren’s house. It was wonderful. You?”

“Meh. Dad’s relatives are staying until New Year… unfortunately. My aunt brought us some weird new perfumes from France. The house smells like a cabaret because of them. My cousins are driving me crazy. I’m not their babysitter, for fuck’s sake.” I laughed. He huffed. “It’s not funny. Whenever my relatives come it’s like judgment day. I need to get away and soon, I can’t take this anymore.” 

The idea of inviting Jean over even for an evening crossed my mind and I was about to say it, but he spoke again: “It’s a true bless that Marco is coming over. Seriously, I don’t know what I’d do without him…”

Oh. Ok then.

“Yeah…” I said suddenly feeling awkward.

Jean was silent for a moment and I was starting to feel more and more awkward.

“Say,” he said suddenly.

“What?”

“You work tomorrow, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do you mind if I pass by? I have something to tell you.”

“Sure! Why would I mind?”

“I don’t know… What are your hours?” 

“From four and ‘till eight.”

“Cool.”

“What is it that you want to tell me?”

“I… I prefer to tell you tomorrow.”

“Okay then.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

With that he hung up and I let go of the small plastic toy I’ve been playing with unconsciously. It took me a few seconds to recognize it as a small blue hippo from a Kinder egg. Ironically, it was holding a phone.

It took me about another minute to process the thought of someone visiting me at work. That someone being Jean nonetheless. With a stupid smile painted on my face I jumped the stairs to my room, and here I am writing this.   
I love the idea of being visited at work. It’s like in the movies when you’ve been away for long and someone comes to see you and bring you the news of something important.

I think I’m getting Eren’s sickness for stupid movies. Good night.

 

 

Dec 27th 

Dear Diary;

Yesterday Jean came to visit me. Mrs. Mary was teaching me a new sewing technique by the time he came.

“This one is called the Scottish Flag, because it has small cells with crossed lines. It’s something Moses invented himself!” 

“It is just for decoration?” I asked.

“Mostly, but if minimized, it has a strong grip. The only problem is the amount of time it takes,” she replied. I nodded.   
Mrs. Mary was in a very good mood all day. She moved around like she was a young lady again, and even sang along with the radio when she thought I wasn’t looking. 

“Speaking of Moses, he will come to pick me up when we close,” she said, happily lifting the embroidered cloth. “If you want he can give you a ride home. Although I have the feeling that you are also waiting for someone.” 

“How… It’s because I’ve been looking at the window?”

“Every five minutes, dear.” She gave me one of those stares Eren usually did when he tried to make some dirty joke, so I just looked away. 

About ten minutes after, I spotted a familiar motorcycle just in front of the shop. I stood up with a jump and went outside to greet Jean with the same stupid smile I wore after he hung up the phone the day before. But to my surprise, Jean wasn’t alone. 

“Hey Armin!” said Marco as he got down from the bike with a jump-like movement and took off his helmet. 

“Marco? Um, hey! How are-”

“Marco Bott! Long time no see young mister! How have you been?” I heard Mrs. Marry say behind me. Marco gave me a small hug and went to greet her as well.

It was the first time I saw him wear all black. He wasn’t wearing anything like I saw back then in the Cherry Bomb, in fact he was dressed very simply. But I don’t really remember him ever wearing too much black, and to be honest it really did fit him well. Probably even better than it fit Jean, because he also has black hair and dark eyes.

“Are you going ‘there’?” I asked Jean while getting closer to him.

“More like we just got back from there,” he croaked tiredly.

“What? But it’s barely late evening…”

“Yeah, but we only had a little business to attend there.”

“So you are going home now?”

“No, not yet. Still have something to do. But first, I needed to talk to you.”

Ah, yes. “What is it?”

“You see, every year between the 24th and the 31st the Cherry Bomb does a special week.”

“Special week meaning?”

“They do something different each day of the seven days,” Marco explained as he joined my side again.

“On Wednesday it’s cover night. I’ll be playing so… I wanted to invite you…” Jean said, and I noted a slight blush when he turned and tried to hide his proud smile. 

“Wow, really? I’d love to!” I brightened.

“I know. You gave me the idea remember?”

“I did?”

“Yeah.”

“Liar,” Marco laughed “You’ve been preparing it since like October.”

“Shhhhh!! Gee thanks! Couldn’t you at least pretend?” Jean hissed.

“Nope, haha.” 

“So you were trying to lie to me in order to get out of debts? Now that was dirty,” I cried with fake offense.

“Well…”

“Now you will have to play a song and ALSO dedicate it to me.” I shook my head.

“Hmm, okay. I’ll try and find a song about killing,” Jean bit back.

“I don’t know any songs about suicide,” I said, making a thinking gesture. “But I’d prefer something happy.”

I saw Jean roll his eyes. Marco laughed and asked “Anyway, are you coming?” 

“Is it at night?” 

“Yes. Nine o’clock,” he confirmed.

“But will there be any busses back at those hours?”

“The last one is at half past ten. But that doesn’t matter; I’ll give you a ride,” Jean offered.

“In that case, sure! I’ll go there straight from work,” I couldn’t help but smile.

Jean nodded. “Cool.”

I was about to ask about why couldn’t he have asked me that on the phone, and then it came to my mind that his parents may not know about it. Better have my nose out of what was not my business. 

“You’re going as well?” I asked Marco. He winked at me with a warm smile while he put his helmet back on.

“I wouldn’t miss it by any chance.” There was a strange tone in his voice as he said the last part of the sentence, looking towards Jean. It made my guts turn.   
He ran towards the bike and jumped on with absolutely no struggle. I figured he had to be already used to it. Then he hugged Jean very closely, in a manner I would never dare to, and they waved goodbye to me. 

I couldn’t manage to wave back as I froze on the spot. When they were out of sight I took my head with my hands and forced myself to stop thinking.

I knew this feeling. I knew it too well. I knew it too well and I wasn’t going to let it happen. Not again.

I knew from the very first day I wrote in this notebook that there would come a time when I’d had to write about this story. About my first (and hopefully last) mental and emotional breakdown, that happened about 6 years ago. But I just don’t want to do it right now. I don’t want to remember it all or talk about it yet.

I won’t let myself sink into that feeling again. I won’t let myself dare and look at Jean in a way that will make me jealous whenever somebody touches him. I regret having accepted the invitation. For a moment I even regretted to have called Jean to wish him a happy holiday.   
But I am strong. I can win this. All I have to do is distract myself. And so I did. 

I went back to the sewing store and spent the rest of the day thinking about something else. The next day’s meeting up with Eren, Mikasa’s birthday, the new year, school, Scottish Flag, a new episode of the ninja turtles… there was a lot to think about, a lot to fill my head with. It might be just an escape, but it worked quite fine with me.   
Yet, it didn’t last long enough. 

I went to sleep and dreamed of huge piano tabs that surrounded me in a corner and a familiar voice was screaming intangible words at me.  
I knew where that was coming from and that only made the matter worse. 

I thought that maybe I could talk with Eren about… “this” someday. He is my best friend after all, and we had an entire day to spend together.  
But how can I talk to him about it when I couldn’t even talk about it here in this notebook?

Then came the morning of the day we would meet to go together to the city.   
I waited for him at the bus stop, hugging my side bag and reading parts of the half-erased graffiti written all around the place. 

And I waited, and waited, and waited…and he didn’t show up.

After an hour and a half of waiting I gave up and walked home. When I entered the house there was a voice message on the recorder from about an hour ago. It was from Eren.

“Armin I’m sorry. I don’t think I can go today. Or maybe, can we go later? At like five or six will be ok? I’ll call you then.”

Oh sure, send it when I’ve already spent half an hour waiting! In fact, why didn’t he just send it when I’m off to bed or something? I was already in a bad mood, and he didn’t make it any better. I am not going anywhere today, call me or don’t.

At around a quarter to six the phone started ringing. I was in the kitchen, making cereal and finishing homework. I rushed to pick up and I think my tone was a bit angrier than I expected it to be.

“What?!” I barked.

“…Hey…wow you sound pissed.” I was quite stunned to hear Jean’s voice on the other side.

“Hey… sorry, I am indeed pissed.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing… Eren ditched me again.”

“Again?”

“Nevermind,” I grumbled.

“Was it that party? The day of the game?”

“I…” How did he know this?

“Connie told me he saw you walking home.”

“Listen, it doesn’t matter.”

“I told you, haven’t I? Eren is-”

“Jean would you shut up?!”

“…”

“Eren is my best friend and I’M the only one who can or cannot judge his actions towards me. If you have something to say, you better keep it to yourself, because I won’t tolerate any bullshit about him!”

“...I was just…”

“Just imagine someone talking trash about Marco!” 

Jean was silent for a moment. I regret having yelled, but he really didn’t call at the best moment. When he spoke up his voice was a lot calmer.

“You are right. Sorry about that…”

“It’s fine. Anyway, what did you call for?”

“I just forgot to tell you that once you get to the Cherry Bomb tomorrow, say you’re my guest.”

“Why?”

“Because otherwise you’d have to pay. We make this kind of nights payable because later we repartee the money between the bands,” Jean explained.

“I don’t mind paying if it’s going to you, you know.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I don’t need my friends to pay for listening to me.”

“Okay. I guess I’ll decide on the spot.”

“As you wish.”

“Goodbye?”

“Wait.” 

“What?”

“Sorry, really. I didn’t mean to…” Jean said hesitantly.

“It’s fine, really. I’m just not in a good mood.”

“…Is there something else?”

Yes. Yes there is. “No, everything’s fine,” I said weakly.

“So there is.”

“I…”

“You can talk to me if you want to.” 

I paused at that. 

“I mean I’m not Eren or Mikasa but… you can count on me too I guess.” I felt so warm at that moment that I thought I might asphyxiate.

“Thanks. But I’m fine, seriously,” I lied.

“Okay. If you say so. Goodbye then.”

“Mmm, bye.”

When I hung up I asked myself why in the bloody hell I didn’t say I might not be going. 

I want to go. I want to hear Jean’s voice and compare it to the voice I heard on the phone. I want to see him play that red electric guitar. However the voice in my head is telling me not to, and thinking about it all just makes the headache worse. 

I need to talk to someone about this. What am I going to do? It’s already nine o’clock, and Eren didn’t call…

 

 

Dec 29th 

Dear Diary;

 

I’ve only just now returned from the Cherry Bomb, it’s already 2 A.M. and I feel like I’m not going to fall asleep soon.

I don’t think I can explain the way I feel right now. I’ll simply try my best to explain the whole day.

It all started when Eren called me in the morning to talk about yesterday.

“Armin listen, I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Eren…”

“I have an explanation okay?”

“Okay?”

“I was getting out when Mina called and…” I didn’t have to hear more.

“Eren can we just talk on Saturday, when I come around?” I interrupted.

“…I thought we could maybe meet today?” he suggested.

“I’m busy,” I said curtly.

“But you didn’t-”

“Sorry Eren, I’m busy today. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up in his face.

I know I probably came out as a shitty friend for that. However, for once I felt like I can act like a dick too sometimes. I can’t be the sweet guy who gets pushed around forever. Eren can spend the entire day with Mina if he wants to. If we’re friends, we’ll survive in the end.

I still made sure to get out to work pretty early, so I can pass by the shops and look at the items at sale. I planned to go on either Thursday or Friday to buy something for Mikasa.

“Looking pretty good today, young man,” Mrs. Mary remarked when I entered the sewing store. As expected, I made sure to look more or less decent this time. By decent I mean according to the standards of the place I was going to, of course. I didn’t have any fancy “cool” clothes like black leather jackets nor skinny pants with chains, but I still managed to get a look that said “I’m young and rebellious.” At least I hope I did. To be honest I couldn’t care less, but I didn’t want to embarrass Jean and Marco. 

“Thank you!” I replied happily. 

Grandpa was used to me coming late from the Jaggers, but he was quite unpleasantly surprised at my new trend of being somewhere else more often than home. Whether it was far away at work or hanging out with friends didn’t seem to matter. I couldn’t tell him about the Cherry Bomb because I knew I’d either not be allowed to go or have to listen to a huge sermon. The good thing was that he was easier to convince when told that I’ll be with my friends and that they’d give me a ride home. That part bothered me the most, because I wasn’t a girl on a date after all. But again, I knew that a parent would be worried no matter how strong and capable their kid was.

After closing the store, I hurried to get to the Cherry Bomb. The streets were dark and hollow. I accelerated my steps, jogging slightly as I tried to be extra conscious of my surroundings. The closer I was getting, the creepier the streets were turning and the fewer people there were.

It was the first time I had walked by foot to the Cherry Bomb, and I was scared to get lost. Soon the street turned more familiar and I silently blessed my good memory.

Then, something very strange happened. I heard a scream and turned around out of instinct. On my right side, on one of the dead end turns with trash cans, stood a tall man and a short girl. She looked like someone my age, with blonde hair tied up into a small roll. 

“Where is he?!” I heard her screaming. “TALK ALREADY!”

I didn’t even get to hear his response as he attacked her, throwing himself on her. I panicked and held the pepper gas firmly in my right hand before starting to run towards the two. 

I barely managed to make a single step as the short girl threw the man off her with a single movement. I was shocked. Then, she somehow turned him up and gave a strong kick, leaving him face down on the floor. I believe he was unconscious.   
I was used to seeing Mikasa kick ass but I’ve never seen anything like this. The man was twice her size, but she knocked him down without much effort. 

She turned around and looked at me with the most murderous expression I‘ve ever seen. I felt a shiver run down my spine and I knew I had to run if I wanted to stay alive. I started running as fast as I could but she didn’t follow me. As I glanced back, there was no sign of her anywhere. I kept running until I reached my destination, where I stopped to finally breathe.

“Oh, it’s you again,” I heard the guy with spikey hair say from the entrance. I remembered Marco saying his name was Michael.

“Michael?” 

“That’s me,” he replied with disinterest while chewing his gum. 

“I’m Jean’s guest.” Originally I was planning to pay, but I was out of breath and I just wanted to enter already.

“I know,” he said simply. “You can enter.” I nodded and proceeded to enter the double gate. 

The place was slightly decorated with mistletoes and shiny hanging balls. The chains and lights were all covered with small colorful lights, shinning like fireflies. I don’t know how, but they really made it look wonderful and give it a feeling of familiarity. I loved it.   
The stage was already set and the dance floor was full of drunk and happy teenagers jumping around.  
It was quite crowded, and I started to make my way in search of familiar faces. I went to the same table Jean and I were sitting along with the Garrison Roses the first time he took me here, with the hope of finding them there. I was quite lucky.

“Hello!” I said awkwardly from behind. My cheeks were burning. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the heat of the place or because of my embarrassment. 

“Hey guys, it’s Mushroom Head!” Mitabi exclaimed happily. Everybody turned around.

“Hey buddy!” Ian greeted me standing up and patting my shoulder. Everyone was waving at me and greeting me enthusiastically. Even though I had only met them once before, it felt like we were good friends that haven’t seen each other for a long time. I don’t think my cheeks could’ve burned any stronger.

“How have you been? I don’t see you around in the book store anymore,” Anka commented once I came closer to the table. “Come, take a seat.”

“I’m fine, thanks! I’ve been working too, and I’m really happy to see you,” I smiled sincerely. “But right now I’m looking for Jean and Marco…”

“Oh! They are at the backstage. Right over there.” She pointed.

“Thanks! I’ll see you guys in a few moments,” I said, waving and making my way backstage. I recognized some of the bands I saw playing last time standing around as I passed by. 

“Marco! Jean!” I yelled as I finally spotted them sitting closely on the corner. Both lifted their heads towards my direction.

“Armin!” Marco stood up and greeted me with a small hug. Jean stood up as well.

“Wow, you are quite early,” he said. I silently pondered why he couldn’t be like Marco and hug me too.

I gazed at him for a few minutes. He was wearing black shiny pants that resembled leather but were more like plastic. Two metallic belts were hanging crossed one on another from them. He also had the same band shirt he wore the last time we came here, with a sleeveless torn jean jacket on top. He looked like an authentic rock star from the eighties. I can’t describe how incredibly well it fit him. I just stood there imagining how everybody would react if they ever saw Jean like this at school. 

“Well, the good thing is that I’m first,” he yawned. “So I’m both the opening star, and most people are sober for the first few bands.”

“How many songs will you play?” I inquired. He pulled a paper from the pocket of his jacket.

“These.” I recognized many of the names of the songs and bands and I felt a little proud about it. There were like five or six songs of AC/DC, Kiss, Led Zeppelin, Guns N’ Roses and something else.

Jean was soon waved over by the “consulting band,” as he called them, back then when they played the “Ghostbusters” theme. Marco tugged my arm, and we left Jean as we exited.

It was all so incredibly strange… I was seeing a totally different side of Jean and Marco and although it was very unfamiliar, at the same time it was very comfortable. Because they were themselves, and they were my friends and I didn’t feel awkward around them at all. Marco was just like Jean, the only different thing about him were his clothes. Even the nick of “Freckled Jesus” had stayed with him all along, as I heard Ian joke about it later.

We got ourselves sodas while waiting for the announcer to speak and chatted about how we had spent our Christmases.

“You know, Jean has a very special way to play,” Marco stated sipping on his soda.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He chooses his songs carefully, so he can sing them on his manner.”  
I looked at him and he smiled dearly. “That’s his little secret and why everybody loves his covers. Don’t worry, you’ll see.”

I was looking forward to it.

When I spotted the girl with high boots and gothic clothes climbing the stairs to the stage, we stood up and made our way to the first row of the crowd in front of the stage.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and punks! I welcome you all to the Christmas week’s forth night special!” Everybody cheered loudly. “Now I shall remind you to please not leave any weird stuff in the bathroom. I don’t want anything like what happened yesterday. We are still searching for the son of a bitch who did it.” Someone in the crowd jeered for bitches and the girl pointed a long finger at him. “You there, shut up!”

Jean came onto the stage with his electric guitar already on him. Everybody was cheering up and some screamed Jean’s name. While the band was setting up the instruments, Jean came to the front and took the microphone.   
“Hey there folks! Guess who’s back!” Everybody cheered again “…In BLACK!!” Jean raised his hand, throwing it back to the guitar and started playing within that single movement. 

“Back in black! I hit the sack, I been too long I’m glad to be back…” I heard Ian and Mitabi join our side and cheer, but I barely paid any attention to what they were saying. At that moment my full attention was focused on Jean.

It was the first time I’ve ever seen him play and sing. I noted how he chose songs that were originally sung with high-pitched voices, and he sang it without high-pitching his own. That was his secret, I figured. His voice was very special, not only he was singing naturally, but he also added a slight French accent to some of the words. Somehow, he made it sound wonderful, even if it wasn’t exactly like the original song.   
I heard him miss a few tabs here and there, but with the tones and rhythm of the songs, most of the time it could be easily overheard. Then it happened. 

I was standing right there in front of him. The crowd around me disappeared. I could only hear his voice and see his movements.   
He looked incredible.   
The way he moved his fingers fast around the neck of the guitar. The way his body leaned over his knee when he moved along with his hand. The way he smiled when he was playing a guitar solo part. The way his Adam’s apple jumped when he paused to swallow. The way he closed his eyes while, when staring up from the very front, it looked like he was kissing the microphone when singing…

My guts were turning. My eyes narrowed as the smile I desperately tried to hide spread across my face. I held my breath and at that very moment I understood. 

I was in big, big trouble.

The one thing I didn’t want to happen. The one thing I prayed over and over again to not happen, had happened.

I had a crush on Jean.

I saw this coming, why didn’t I stop myself? I saw this coming and I turned a blind eye to it, hoping it would just pass… How could I?  
What am I going to do?   
I stood silently on the crowd and I felt like crying. And I couldn’t stop myself from feeling wonderful as well.

This is the worst!

Jean finished playing his last song and rose up his guitar as he exited the stage, saying “Thank you!” while everybody was applauding and screaming. Only when he was out of stage I did realize that the Garrison Roses were all around me and Marco was tugging my arm again.

“He has improved a lot since the last time he played! What a guy!” I heard Mitabi exclaim when we were heading towards their usual table.

“I didn’t know Jean was so popular,” I whispered to Marco. He smiled.

“That’s because he isn’t,” he answered.

“How come?” Marco pointed at the stage where another band was getting up.

“He is just one of many. As you can see, there are a lot of talented people here.”

“I see…”

“But Jean doesn’t really care about it,” he continued. “He simply likes to have his fun.”

For someone as competitive as Jean, that point of view was quite impressive. Just how many things did I not know about my friends? I smiled as I imagined Connie having a double life as an agent of the CIA and Sasha being a secret mad scientist. Maybe Mikasa was a disguised Terminator.

My smile faded away very quickly though, as I caught a sight of Jean approaching the table. He wasn’t wearing the same clothes and had his electric guitar on its bag.  
“I’m back. But not in black. Fuck this shit. I can’t wear it any longer.” He said handing the black pants to Gustav. 

“What a quitter,” Gustav laughed teasingly. 

“I swear to God. I have no idea how you can wear that. It sticks to your ass and squishes your balls with every movement you make!”

“Balls? What balls?” 

“Oh you are so funny, Riko.”

“You were amazing up there!” I broke in loudly. Everybody turned to look at me and I locked my eyes with Jean, to simulate my embarrassment.

“You were indeed great!” I heard Marco say. I felt a bit more at ease because I wasn’t the only one saying it and looking like a fan boy. Jean smiled proudly.

“That was nothing! You really should hear me play my guitar solos!”

“‘That was nothing’ he says. A ‘nothing’ he had been working on day and night for months…” Marco rolled his eyes.

“Urgh, would you stop ruining my every second line?”

“Nope, haha.”

We spent the rest of the night listening to other bands (with Jean judging each one of them) and chatting while sipping sodas. Then the three of us went to the other side of the bar.   
I was silent for a long time. At some point Marco asked me if I was ok. I used this opportunity to lie about feeling nauseous and ask them to take me home. 

I couldn’t stop staring at Jean. And I couldn’t stop starring at how Jean and Marco interacted. I felt awful and I needed to get away as soon as possible. My thoughts were a mess. So were my emotions.

Jean took me outside to ride me home, while Marco wished me a “Feel better” and stayed at the Cherry Bomb. I figured Jean would have to bring him home too, so he’d have to drive there again. The mere thought made me sad…

When we were driving back, I wasn’t paying attention to the scenery nor the wind anymore. Not even the slippery frozen streets that caused sharp turns. I was hugging Jean and the only thing I was constantly nervous about was if I was holding him appropriately. 

He arrived just in front of my porch and took off his helmet while I was getting down.

“Are you alright?” he asked, concerned.

“Yes…sorry.”

“What the hell? About what?” 

“You know, this,” I said moving my hands around.

“I don’t get it.”

“Never mind.”

“I think I should be the one to apologize…”

“What?”

“About yesterday. You are right, I have no right to speak like that I guess.”

“Oh. It’s fine, as long as you don’t do it again.” I had already forgotten about it. I wondered if he had been thinking about it for such a long time.

We stood there in silence for a moment. Snow started falling on us and I looked up.

“Did you really like it? My covers?” he said suddenly, looking up as well.

“Yes,” I said sincerely. “You were completely and utterly amazing.” I looked at him. 

He smiled, but he kept watching the snow fall.

“I don’t know about that… but I’m happy that you liked it.”

“I’d like to see it again.”

“You do?”

I nodded, and he finally looked at me. His eyes had such a beautiful amber color under the light of the street. “Maybe.” He put on his helmet again “but right now go rest a bit. Get well.”

“I will.”

“Good night.”

When he drove away I sat down on my porch and took my face in my hands. I felt so warm looking at him, but when he was gone and I was left with my own thoughts I kept feeling worse and worse about this. I didn’t enter my house right away. I went to take a walk at one of the nearest parks and sat on a swing.

“I have a crush on Jean,” I said to myself, as if expecting to leave. I went back to my house, entered my room and opened the closet to pull Jean’s shirt from there. It had still had that smell that I liked so much.

“I have a crush on Jean.” I can’t sleep now. The memories, thoughts and insecurities that have been haunting me for the past six years are back. With the only difference that now I put down my arms and admitted my defeat.

Maybe tomorrow, after I rest a bit, I’ll be able to write more about this…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make something clear: I'm not one of those who make Armin talk shit about Eren behind his back. I would never do that to my best friends and I would be very mad.   
> I don't want these kids to have a flawless relationship, I want them to be over-dramatic teenagers, but I don't think that in cannon or irl Armin (or anyone really) would let someone else talk teasingly about their bffs.   
> Also important: Remember that all that happens is from Armin's POV.  
> And thanks to all the people that left kudos and comments.You are really sweet and it really made me happy :)


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there awesome people!  
> This chapter is a joke! Happy April Fool's!  
> Nah just kidding.  
> first of all thanks to everyone that had been leaving comments and kuddos. You guys are the best! And you really made my day.  
> This is the chapter where we get to know why Armin is so nervous about falling for Jean.  
> Special thanks to the Queen Purple Pyro!
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter include pornographic themes, inferred nsfw, and loss of innocence. If there are any others you think apply please comment and I will put them up here as well.

Dec 29 th

Dear Diary;

I’m writing the same date since my last note here was at 2 a.m. of today. I didn’t sleep well all night, and I woke up after half past one. Grandpa woke me up, since he doesn’t like me staying in bed until late. Still, I stayed in my room all day. I’ve been evading writing in here the whole time. I walked around the room and whenever I caught sight of this notebook, it gave me the same feeling of anxiety that an undone project or homework that’s due tomorrow does. But I can no longer distract myself with books and any music I hear seems unfitting for my mood.

I simply give up. I give up but I still don’t. Because deep down I hear everyone’s favorite saying about that I’m just too young to understand yet. That was exactly one of the biggest problems; that I always “tried” to understand instead of simply going along with what I was told. I’m so tired of even writing this in such a questionable and evading manner… 

I’ll simply say it, once and for all.

I’m not straight.

There. I said it.

I know this must look very silly considering that I have already mentioned my newest found attraction for Jean, but it is still a big deal for me. I’m not straight, and the way I found out about it isn’t a happy memory at all.

I was always an emotionally mature kid. I never understood how there could be others my age that didn’t know what emotion they were feeling. When somebody said something by the lines of “what is this that I’m feeling” I thought they were making a joke. I could hardly explain emotions or the way I felt, but whenever I felt something I knew what it was right away. However, as much as I thought I understood, there were still a lot of things that I didn’t know. 

When I was nine or ten years old, my parents made me take piano lessons. Dad had said that it’s better to start when you are young and that I would regret it later if I didn’t take the chance at that moment. However, finding a personal teacher was both very expensive and hard to find in our small neighborhood. So my parents sent me to collective piano classes, where I would be learning with other students.  
Since there weren’t any music schools in the area, the lessons took place at the elementary school near Stohess High, which was situated in the other side of our small town. The kids that attended the lesson were mostly from that elementary school or the ones near, so there wasn’t a single familiar face looking at me when I entered the class for the first time. 

I wasn’t that shy and I liked to debate and correct what I thought was wrong. That bothered other kids a lot because I would sometimes come across as a snob. I didn’t even know how to make jokes or take them. However, instead of getting mocked all the time, there were kids that actually liked to hear me out and often agreed with me. Especially one kid, whom I befriended immediately, after he sat beside me and pulled out a huge book with tabs from his Superman-themed bag.

His name was Nac Tias, and he was a year older than me. Nac started to play a year before I arrived to the course. He had a natural talent and fast learning, which really impressed me. Since we became friends, Nac helped me learn faster and we often sat to play together and laugh.   
Eren and I were already best friends by then, and I just happened to meet Mikasa after the tragedy that happened to her parents. It was quite difficult to deal with a new friend when I was Eren’s only friend beside Mikasa. I spent most of my time playing around with Eren, and I usually met Nac only when I went to class. But that was soon a problem as well, because Nac was upset that I never had time for him and Eren was upset if I spent more time with others. 

“I thought we were friends! BEST friends!” Eren would say with teary eyes and I would immediately apologize and promise to go with him wherever it was he wanted. I did feel closest to Eren after all, and the fact that he might question our friendship hurt me. I still tried my best to be with Nac here and there, and I slowly felt how we were getting closer. Nac had all the little things that Eren lacked, like his love for fantasy books and movies, his many weird pets, his tree house, and many other things that would charm any kid in the neighborhood. He was seemingly one of those cool kids everyone wants to be friends with, but nobody gets the chance. Heaven knows why, from all the kids, he decided to befriend me. But that made me feel great; I felt like I was the chosen one or something.

A year passed flying like an arrow and I gained two new best friends; Mikasa and Nac. Even though I tried to befriend between Eren and Nac, I failed and gave up after Eren made it clear to me that he didn’t quite like Nac because he was a “shallow show off”. I knew this was coming mostly from the fact that Nac and I both liked to chat endlessly about school and homework and all the things Eren considered boring. Maybe there was something else, but I don’t quite remember. I do know for sure that Eren simply didn’t like him, and it was different from his current rivalry with Jean (which is just a childish competition and denial of their friendship). He really didn’t like him.

The fact that I had accepted Mikasa into our small group immediately (and was quite happy to have met her) while Eren didn’t even try to give Nac a chance made me angry. We ended up having a big childish dispute, and didn’t speak for a couple of days, even sitting at different chairs at class and lunch. To cheer me up a bit, Nac invited me over to his tree house. He had said his friends would come as well and they would bring some “interesting” stuff.

His friends were slightly older than both of us, going by the ages of 12-14. Thinking about it, it’s not a big deal, but back then it would seem like a huge difference, like an “Oh my! They are older so they must know more and better!” type of thing. I didn’t know anyone aside of Nac, so I was feeling a bit out of place from the very start. I was quite surprised and shocked to discover that the “interesting” thing Nac was talking about was a huge box filled with porno tapes. One of the guys apparently stole it from his father’s basement. He said that his dad worked on the fabrication of many video tapes, and he kept many of these but tried to keep them hidden from the rest of the family. 

I’d never seen a porno before. My parents tried to be very protective with me; whether by telling me “You’ll know in time” when I asked questions or by changing the channels when a movie or T.V show showed any hints of the topic. But rumors about it were already running around between boys at school, as some claimed to have been told about it or seen something from their older brothers. We were supposed to get sexual education next year or the year after, but the mere mention of “sexual education” had pumped everyone’s curiosity, and thus the search for answers had begun. 

I was, of course, no different from them. I’ve only learned so far from the guys that babies were made from a strange ritual a man and a woman made when naked (called sex), and that it included somehow their privates and that it was supposed to feel good. Some had also mentioned that it had to do with what we see in movies; such as kissing and falling in love. Since it was forbidden, it only increased my curiosity. I was really excited when I saw the many different tapes in the box. Most had pictures of naked women making weird poses. It was the first time I saw a naked girl and to be honest, I found it quite weird. 

Our bodies were so different… Compared to the naked man that stood beside her in another picture, a girl’s body looked soft and delicate. But I didn’t necessarily find it “appealing”. Everything looked oversized in my eyes; super big breasts, giant cocks, giant muscles and butts. It was almost as if it was all fake. I looked at each one and I wondered if this is how we would look once we grew up. Yet again, I didn’t remember seeing anything that resembled bodies like these before. 

Once the others selected a tape and put it in to play, we all sat in front of the small T.V and watched. 

It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, and even back then I also found it disgusting. They were undressing each other while kissing and I felt it was almost too private for me to watch, but it was also very exciting. I kept watching in shock as they started kissing and licking each other in weird places and making soft noises that slowly grew louder. 

I swallowed forcefully before closing my open mouth with both hands. “Bu-but… we pee from there!” I squealed in pure disgust. My cheeks were burning. 

The other kids started laughing at me. It was obvious that it was not the first time they had seen this. “Say, have you like, ever masturbated?” one of them asked me. 

I looked at him still in shock and shook my head no. I had heard about it. Someone mentioned it once after catching their brother doing it by accident. But I didn’t even understand what it was or why would we do it. And after watching this video I doubted I’d like to try right away.   
The guy then proceeded to explain to me how to do it and whatnot. I listened, but I decided to search for more information later.

I looked at Nac; he was concentrated on the video, where the man had his member starting to stand and grow. He put it inside the woman. She was screaming. So that’s how it was done? It looked like torture!

I looked to the side, not wanting to look at the T.V anymore. One of the tapes on top of the box caught my eye. It had a picture of two girls kissing and touching one another. I picked it up to look at it more closely. One of the guys who was ran off the tree house to the toilet and another noticed me staring at the tape while laughing at him.  
“Oh? Already developing kinks?” I didn’t know what a kink was, and I looked at him with questioning eyes. “Lesbian porn is the best there is!” He had said. 

“Lesbian porn?” I inquired. “You mean like, two girls can do it too…” 

“Pffft of course!”

“But… girls can’t have babies with one another… so why…?”

“Porn isn’t about making kids! It’s to excite us!” he said, rolling his eyes.

“What?”

“Just masturbate once and you’ll understand.”

I looked at him for a minute. I knew sex was supposedly very pleasurable, but did they do it only for the entertainment? So two girls could do it with one another? How about…

“How about two boys?” I asked suddenly. “Can boys do it with one another too?”

Their answer wasn’t exactly what I expected it to be.  
“Eeeww! Don’t even talk about gay porn! That is completely gross!”

“Fags are disgusting!” 

“And they all have AIDS because they get fucked in the ass!”

“Yeah! Dad said they are completely gross!” one of them had said “And believe me, he was a Colonel. He always knows what he’s talking about.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I spat back. I hated when people made these kind of blind conclusions.

“He dealt with many different people, so he knows better. He is a military man with a high rank,” he explained proudly. 

“So were Nazi officers,” I barked with anger. That upset him a lot.

“Don’t you dare compare my dad to those Nazi pigs!” He shouted at me while standing up.

“Would you two shut up? I’m trying to listen to another kind of screaming in here,” the elder one of them said. I saw Nac looking at me as well. The guy calmed down, but I didn’t.

I didn’t say anything else, but the question remained in my mind.   
I didn’t know any gay or lesbian people. The only person that was said to be gay in our neighborhood was Eren’s neighbor, whom I remember wore pink shirts. When younger, I thought that gay meant someone who wears pink. That until one day Eren explained to me that a gay or a lesbian person was someone who liked another person that was also a boy or a girl like them. It surprised me how he knew something I didn’t. He said that his neighbor explained it to him himself, before moving out.

I came to realize that gays and lesbians were quite ‘rare’, at least where we were living. I also noticed that many people didn’t like them, yet I couldn’t quite figure out why. There was nobody to ask either, because once you brought up the topic you would either get a suspicious look, tons of questions and evasive answers or an overdramatic answer like the one I got at the tree house. 

I had dropped the subject, but now that it was brought up to my mind again it was all I could think about. I felt a strange thirst for knowledge about it. Yet where could I get answers?

After I got home from Nac’s, I spent the rest of the day planning where I should go in order to find anything about gays. I went to the local library, but the only thing I found was the literal description of a “homosexual” in the encyclopedia. 

“It wasn’t the first time you saw it right?” I asked Nac the next time I saw him.

“You mean porn?” he said blushing.

“Yeah.”

“No. I’ve seen magazines before…” he looked both proud and ashamed, it was sort of funny.

“Where do you find those?” I asked openly.   
He looked shocked. “Shh! Lower your voice! Others may hear!”

“So what? There are no parents or adults in here,” I said pointing the classroom.

“Still! What if they want to blackmail us?!” He whispered, eying the surrounding kids.

“You’re being too paranoid…” I rolled my eyes tiredly.

“I’m not. And I don’t really know actually…” he then leaned in to whisper. “My older cousin brought me some once… I think he got them from the city.”

“Do you know where from?” I asked. He shook his head.

“I have no idea… But if you want maybe I can get you some?” He was smiling so confidently, he was obviously proud of being the one to reveal this to me.

“No, it’s fine. I was just asking.” I answered.

“You never ‘just ask,’” he said “Besides how can you ‘just ask’ about porn?”

“I just wanted to tell someone about it.” I lied. 

“Eren?” he asked with annoyance.

“Yeah, Eren.” I kept on lying. I knew that if it was for Eren, he wouldn’t bother much. And he didn’t. Of course I was going to tell Eren about the porn anyway. How could I not? He is my best friend, no matter how much we fight. But I had decided to go on my own search first. 

I waited patiently for my parents to go to the big city. They had a lot of shopping to do because they were going on a trip outside the country and leaving me at home with grandpa. They wanted to also spend a whole day with me since they wouldn’t see me for a couple of weeks.   
We bought food and supplies for the few weeks they would be gone, and since sending it by delivery cost a lot, we had to run back to the car with plastic bags every five minutes. When my feet started to hurt from all the walking around and standing in long lines, we sat on a bench to rest and feed pigeons. The whole time being I tried to sneak out while mom was reading some product. When she wasn’t looking, I went running around other shops, checking out if I could find something, anything porn-related somewhere. At some point I ran pretty far away and almost got lost. Mom got so worried that she didn’t let me leave her side from that moment on, to which I complained about not being a baby. I was quite bitter about it. 

Thinking about it as I write it here makes me feel like an idiot. Where was I hurrying to anyway? If only I would have known that that was our last time shopping together…

Mom told me that we weren’t done yet. My parents took me to my favorite library as a reward. I liked to choose my books by myself. She let me choose and buy as much as I wanted, and later I could sell it as a second hand book. It was a huge place, with two floors, and everything was in sections with shelves of both new and second hand books all together. I usually went to the section filled with maps of the world and books about nature and geography, the history section, or the fantasy section. When Eren was with me we also went to the comics section. I had decided to check it out first this time, so maybe I could pick something with me for the next time I go to his house.

I noticed that the comics section had three new shelves. One was filled with the newest Marvel comics of the Amazing Spiderman and X-Men. The two other shelves were separated from the rest, filled with Japanese comics called ‘mangas’. We loved to watch Japanese cartoons on T.V. but Manga seemed just kind of boring. It was all black and white, with weird expressions and it just didn’t seem as appealing. However, at that moment I was in no hurry, and something had caught my eye. There was a red tag on many of them, with the inscription “Rated-18”. 

Checking to see if anyone watching, I picked one and opened it on a random page. I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was actually drawn porn! It seemed even more exaggerated than real porn, and surely didn’t have the same effect, but it still made my cheeks and ears burn. I quickly put it down, looking to my sides again to verify if anyone had seen. I started looking for more of these, in hopes of finding what I was looking for. I finally found some that had two good looking boys kissing on the front page. Bingo!

I opened it with hurry and contemplated the drawings with my eyes open wide. It seemed so weird… but I couldn’t stop looking. The scenes where they talked seemed almost like teen drama movies, and the things they were doing seemed a bit different from what I’ve seen at the three house. Things I didn’t even know that were supposed to feel good in my body. 

It was all so fascinating. I felt my ears light on fire and my toes curl up. I had to get that book! But I knew that I couldn’t buy it just like this. Not only it was an adult rated book, but my parents were there as well.

What should I do? Should I steal it? No…

An idea came to my mind like a shockwave. I took another manga book of the same size with a small wizard girl on it. I ripped off the cover of both and switched them. I put the false one back and ran off to another section. I felt like a total mastermind. I made sure to put it in between two other books so it would pass unnoticed when I carried it. The cover slipped a bit when we were paying for it and I hurried to put it back.

“It seems a little damaged, maybe you’d like to change it?” Dad asked me. 

“No, it’s fine. It was the only one,” I said quickly. The cashier took it and looked at the cover. I almost had a heart attack.

“Really? We were supposed to receive a bunch of these just yesterday… want me to check it f-”

“No! It’s fine, really. I’ve checked!” 

He looked at my mom and she just shrugged, so he simply passed it under the red light along with the others. 

When we went back home I couldn’t be more excited. I locked myself in my room and jumped right into the bed, covering myself up with the duvet. I took a lantern from my desk and sat on my knees with the book in front of me; the duvet making a tent-like cover on me. 

And I started reading. 

The plot was quite short and cliché, but I didn’t give a damn. Even in drawn porn, why did everything have to look so disgustingly slimy and wet? I was slightly disgusted, but not as before.

I was staring at all the expressions they were making with every single touch. When I saw that tape, there was way too much screaming, and it was straight up creepy. But reading this and watching their expressions… it was completely different. 

Back in the library, the first manga book I opened had a girl and a boy. The girl had huge boobs, abnormally huge ones, and it seemed just too strange for me. Here however, they were both boys, one looked more mature than the other, but it was somehow more familiar and just different. It was different and I felt different thinking about it. 

I went to sleep that night thinking about too much stuff at once. Why there weren’t any movies or cartoons about this? Not porn, but the romance between two boys or two girls. From what it looked like, there wasn’t much difference in how they fell in love. Or was there? I continued to think about it for a moment, and slowly the image of Eren came to my mind. What if… could we? 

I blushed and hugged my pillow. I fell asleep imagining us both as the main characters of an adventure like Indiana Jones’s.   
The next day I glued the cover just in case and spent about three days re-reading it. Each time it would make me bite my lower lip and my blood boil as if it was the first. I considered on trying touching myself, but I was too insecure about it. On the third day, I realized that I had forgotten to do my homework, after spending the evening re-reading the manga book again. I put it on my table, covering it with other notebooks and rushed to finish it quickly. Once I got home from school I hurried, shoving my piano notes and tabs into my bag. Dad gave me a ride to class.

That day instead of a lesson, the class would attend Nac and other two kids’ first concert, which took place on the studio of Stohess high. Many students and parents were there too. He was the last one to play, and he played beautifully perfect. I sat there listening with a wide smile. 

Once he was done, the whole class went to congratulate him. We made a small “chips and soda” party and played board games in our classroom at the elementary school. 

“What was the last tune? I didn’t recognize it,” I said when we were sitting on top of the tables. 

“Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 31,” he said with his mouth full of chips. “You haven’t learned it yet. Give me your tabs, I’ll show you.”

I leaned over my side bag to pull out the tabs book, which was difficult due to the pressure of other books. When I managed to pull it out, another book that clung to the first fell to the floor. At that moment I was paralyzed with horror. It was my manga book. I had accidentally put my book within the notes when I shoved them in my bag.

“Hey! I didn’t know you read that manga!” Nac exclaimed as he jumped off the table to take it. 

“No! Wait!” I said with a last breath. I don’t remember breathing after that.

It was too late. 

He had opened it at the middle pages and the words he was about to say died in his throat. His opened, smiling mouth slowly turned into a horrified “O” and his eyes were wide open with surprise. He looked at me with the most disgusted expression I’ve ever seen him make. 

“What-the-HECK…?” He whispered, separating each word exaggeratedly and opening his mouth big at the last. I had jumped from the table as well.

“Please, let me explain,” I said carefully lifting my hands.   
He backed off. “Don’t come near me!” I stopped and looked around. Some of our classmates were turning to look at us. “You are… you are a fucking…” he whispered. His voice sounded almost offended. I noted how he was holding the book strongly, his fingers wrinkling the pages.  
I reached to take the book but he jumped back.   
“Don’t touch me!” This time he yelled. Everybody was looking at us. Some started cheering for a fight. “Don’t touch me you… you filthy… fag!” he yelled. The teacher came running but Nac only had eyes for me. His glare was piercing through my body. I felt a thousand eyes staring at me and I heard whispers and encouraging shouts. I never felt so afraid in my short life.

When the teacher shook him by the shoulder, Nac threw the book at me. I protected myself with my arms, and the book fell to the floor.   
Everybody who had already formed a circle around us came closer to look. 

“What is that?”

“Are those boys?”

“Eeww!”

“Armin likes boys!”

I started to back off. Tears were already forming in my eyes. “Do not!” I yelled back.

“Then what is this?” 

“Yeah! Explain it!”

I swallowed a cry and mumbled. “I… I was just curious!”

“Liar!”

“Armin is a fag! Armin is a fag!” Everybody cheered as they started to surround me and throw paper balls at me. The teacher started to yell and ordered them to calm down, but it was useless.

From that moment I couldn’t hear anything else. I had already rushed to my bag and ran away. I didn’t stop to look back even once. Tears were streaming down my cheeks like rivers. I ran until I felt a piercing pain in the side and collapsed to the floor. I didn’t care that I was running in the wrong direction, I didn’t care that I had left the Manga book on the floor, I didn’t care at all. All I cared about was to run far away from there.

I sat down on the road to catch my breath and dry my cheeks, but tears kept coming. I felt betrayed and humiliated. I felt terrible. 

When I finally calmed down, I stood up and headed home. It was already getting dark when I made it.

Mom and Dad were already set to leave by the morning of the next day, and were putting the suitcases near the stairs when I entered the house.

“Armin, dear, welcome back! How was the concert?” Mom asked me. I didn’t even answer. I headed straight to my room. I didn’t want mom to see me cry again.

I sat in the corner between my bed and my desk and hugged my knees close. Mom came to my room a few minutes after. 

“I don’t want to go back to piano classes anymore,” I mumbled.

“Armin, what hap-”

“I don’t want to go back to piano classes anymore,” I repeated. She didn’t prod further. Mom had always comforted me when I was bullied before, and she knew I didn’t want to talk. She simply sat beside me on the floor and hugged me, stroking my hair gently. 

“We’ll talk about it when we come back home,” she said. But that is what I feared most. The teacher would probably tell them everything, even show them the manga book I left behind. What would I tell them then? 

If it was a normal porno magazine, dad would probably laugh and mom would be very embarrassed, and I would get grounded. But it wasn’t. It was drawn homosexual porno, with the cover of the manga book I pretended to buy a few days ago. The reaction of all the other kids gave me a clear idea of the difference. 

When Mom left my room I sat on the bed and came up with different ways to kill the other kids or get revenge. I gave up after two minutes and started to grieve again. 

I decided to never tell Eren about this. What if he’ll react the same when I tell him I’ve been obsessively reading drawn gay porn? I would be devastated if I lose him… I loved him way too much. I laid in bed thinking about that as well. About all the times I had imagined us together in great adventures, exploring the world, traveling and saving the world and… and being together forever. After reading the manga book, I’d also imagined if we could do more than that. 

But what now?

Mom called for dinner, but I wasn’t hungry. All I wanted to do is to sleep. Dad was annoyed by how I wasn’t spending dinner with them, but Mom silenced him and let me go to bed early. 

I woke up to say good bye to my parents, and once they left I went back to sleep. I didn’t feel like going to school, and grandpa would come by afternoon, so he didn’t have to know that I didn’t go.

By 4 a.m. of the same day, someone started pounding on our door. I woke up and heard voices downstairs, so I peeked through the metal bars of the stairs. Two policemen were talking to Grandpa, telling him that mom and dad were dead. All I remember is running desperately to their room, open their closet and taking one of Mom’s dresses. I climbed into their bed and started crying. I fell asleep hugging mom’s clothes and crying and screaming. 

I woke up hearing Eren’s and Mikasa’s voices. I sat up on the bed, feeling really weak. Eren hugged me close and didn’t let go for a while, Mikasa holding me on the other side. I heard Eren’s parents talk to my grandpa, and only then I was fully awake and realized it wasn’t a dream. Everything fell on me at once. I felt sick and sad and I just wanted to go back in time and sit with them to dinner the day before. 

This is all I remember from that day. 

When I finally got better, I realized just how life kept going around me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would never completely recover from mom’s and dad’s death, nor what happened at that classroom. But it was my choice to keep going forward or stay in bed crying forever. I was still a kid, and I had all of life before me. So I kept going on. I had to.

However, there was one thing that would keep hunting me. I was a teenager. Full of hormones and emotions. And no matter how much I tried and tried to look to girls, boys always seemed more interesting to me. When the boys in my class, including Eren, finally started to watch porn, I sat there with them. Masturbation had become common by then. And yet, I could only be turned on by looking at the man in the video or picture. I kept telling myself that it was because as a guy, I could sympathize more with the male body so when I saw someone touching it the way I knew felt wonderful, I felt it too. I couldn’t deny, however, my crushes. Just as I said from the very start, I couldn’t lie to myself because I always knew what I was feeling.

I like boys. I’m gay. However, realizing that fact didn’t really mean I comprehended its definition to the fullest. It was a label I, as well as the entire world around me, had put to my feelings. But that wasn’t the whole meaning, as I disagreed with what the world viewed as “gay.”   
Some would say that gay people liked girly stuff and acted like girls. I knew I looked a bit feminine, as I was mocked for it, but I didn’t like girly things at all. I hated the ‘division line’ between what was considered girly and what was boyish, especially after meeting Mikasa.   
Some would spread disgusting rumors about gays beings turned on by every boy around or being rapists. Porn magazines put gay men as shaved, muscle beasts with perfect bodies. This didn’t make any sense because they never acted or dressed “girly.” 

It seemed like nobody could really define what gay is. And yet the entire world was ready to hate it, not just the kids from the piano lesson. That only made me realize just how much I didn’t want to be gay myself. It has been my biggest secret ever. I’ve never told anybody about it. Not grandpa, not Mikasa, and especially not Eren.

I had a crush on Eren before, but I resigned myself to believe I would never have a chance, and I backed off completely once I noticed Mikasa’s feelings for him as well. I was able to let it go and develop more platonic feelings toward him. I had decided to deny my feelings; to believe it was a “phase” and that when I grow older and can control my hormones, it will just pass. 

I did my best to not fall for anybody. As long as it wasn’t romantic, I could always blame hormones. That’s what I said to myself and what I wanted to believe in. For a few years it actually worked. Until now.

Jean was the drop of water that spilled the whole glass. He was the white flag telling me to surrender and stop pretending. Sitting on that swing last night and admitting my own feelings was my way of putting my arms down and admitting defeat. I know that a path of hardships and one sided feelings is ahead of me. And yet I can’t stop feeling something warm grow inside my chest and hurt when I think of him. 

I think it’s better if I stop writing now. I don’t want to think about it any further. Remembering all that had happened isn’t easy considering that my memories are so vivid…I can swear it all happened just yesterday. And it hurts just the same.  
Good Night.

 

Jan 1st 

 

Dear Diary;

“We broke up.”

That wasn’t exactly the first thing I expected to hear Eren say once grandpa and I arrived to the Jeager house yesterday.

“What?”

“Mina and I,” he hissed. “We broke up.” 

“The fuck?” 

He didn’t answer. He just hung up for me my coat for me and made his way through the salon and up the stairs. Grandpa was greeting Eren’s mom, so I just waved and ran after him. When I caught up, he was in his room, sitting on the side of the bed. Mikasa was nowhere to be seen.

“When?” I asked as I climbed into his bed.

“Yesterday,” he muttered. “Also, sorry for ditching you again.”

“It’s okay,” I was in a terrible mood myself but right now wasn’t the time to be bitter. 

“Does that somehow… have to do with this?” I asked.

“Kind of,” he explained vaguely. “Well, we didn’t really break up…It’s kind of a hiatus?”

“You’ve barely been together for like two months,” I exclaimed with confusion. “Care to explain?”

“Well, see I told Mikasa that I was going to Mina’s, because if I told her that I was going to see you she would want to come.” With that sentence I had already put all the pieces of the puzzle together in my head, but I let him continue. “But then I forgot to tell Mina about it, and guess what? She decides to call.”

I suddenly had the feeling that I was the worst friend in the history of friends and I just wanted to punch myself on the face. 

“And guess who answered the phone? That’s right, Mikasa! And she told her that I’m on my way to her house.” 

“She wasn’t at home, was she?” I inquired.

“Nope! She was just packing her things to come back home the next day,” he replied. “The moment she called I was on our porch, so Mikasa called me back inside…”

“So that’s why…” I sighed. 

“She was sure that I was cheating on her, and I couldn’t even explain myself fully because Mikasa was in the other room…”   
I nodded.   
“So we spent hours talking on the phone, then we hung up, then she called again…” Eren seemed very tired when he spoke. “We met the next day. Talked it out, and came to this.”

We sat silent. I was looking at him. He wasn’t looking back.

“What now?”

“I don’t know” he raised his eyebrows. “I guess we should wait and see. As for now, I’m free and so is she.”

I laughed at that.

“What’s so funny?”

“Too much drama too early,” I said, and then he was the one laughing. 

“Actually I’m not that upset you know? I was a bit pissed, but not that much…”

“Do you like her?” I asked.

“Yeah, I like her. But I don’t ‘love’ her,” he answered, saying the last part slowly. 

“Yeah I get it.” In fact, it made me wonder about Jean. What did I feel for him? I knew I had a crush, but to what extent? Was it the same as Eren’s feelings for Mina? Could I get over it as fast? Something deep inside told me I couldn’t…

“You didn’t even let me explain it to you on the phone… I know you were pissed.”

“Eren, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I was pissed too.”

I knew he was, but I was usually the one to think things through. The fact that I acted so selfish when my best friend probably needed me made me feel terrible.

“So? What did you do that day then?” he asked suddenly. I snapped from my thoughts.

“I… I...” I didn’t know what to say, after thinking too much for over two days, my head had gone blank. “I met with Jean and Marco.” I finally said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah… By the way, where is Mikasa?” I hurried to ask. Luckily Eren didn’t go further into my answer or my sudden change of subject. 

“She’s in the basement, helping dad with fireworks.”

“Shouldn’t we like, help her?”

“Nah. She said she’s fine.”

We didn’t talk much about anything afterwards. I really did notice that while Eren didn’t seem too affected, but he still was. Mikasa had her chance now, and I was both happy and sad for her. Mostly, I just hoped all this would somehow end well, without having to think too much about it.

When we lit the fireworks I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about Jean. I wondered how he was celebrating and how much different would New Year be if he was here with me. Maybe, after all, I wasn’t the only one thinking about it. When I returned home, the phone was ringing, and I literally tripped running to pick it up. I wondered who the fuck would call at 2 a.m.

“Hello?”

“Bonne Année!”

“Um, what?”

“Happy new year,” I heard him sigh.

“Jean?” something inside of me started to grow and hurt but it didn’t cover up my surprise. 

“Duh.”

“What the… why are you… Did something happen?” I wanted to ask many questions at the same time and I kind of mixed them all.

“No. I just… wanted to wish you a happy new year.”

“NOW?” I was quite shocked, yet still incredibly happy.

“Well, I called like five times before but you weren’t answering and I remembered that you must be with Jaeger. I don’t have his phone and…” He kept talking but I was barely listening. Why had he called so many times?  
I saw grandpa staring at me angrily and waving his hands as I heard him saying something about going to sleep. “Jean, listen up,” I interrupted him. “Do as I say, okay?”

“What?”

“Don’t-hang-up,” I whispered slowly.

“…Okay.”

“Okay. Bye! Good night!” I said as loudly as I could without yelling. I put the phone on the table after gently bumping it against the plastic of the digits. I ran upstairs and entered my room while keeping an eye on grandpa. When he closed his door, I waited a few more minutes, took my small lantern, turned out the lights and went downstairs without closing the door. I could have told Jean that I’d call in half an hour, when I would be sure that grandpa was asleep. But it just wouldn’t be the same. It had to be now.

“Jean?” I whispered as I took the phone from the table.

“What was that?”

“I had to make sure grandpa thinks I went to sleep.” I could hear him whispering too. I didn’t quite understand why, since he had a small phone in his room.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Why the hell did you call? You could just say it to me tomorrow at school,” I sat down, leaning back against the sofa and hugging my knees. I had to keep an eye on the stairs in case grandpa would wake up.

“I called you at like nine, then I just kept calling here and there until nobody at my house was celebrating anymore. I knew you’d be awake.” 

“That’s the shittiest excuse I’ve ever heard for a 2 a.m. call,” I laughed slightly. 

“Oh come on! It’s New Year!” he said a bit more loudly.

“Oh yeah! Just a historically incorrect date that was somehow chosen to be used to count historically incorrect years…” 

He sighed. I waited for him to answer, but he didn’t. 

“But if we are already here,” I continued “Why don’t you tell me about how you spent the holiday?”

“Well, the usual I guess? My cousins like to take my stuff, my aunt hunts me down to give me lectures about being a gentleman, and I had another fight with my parents,” He said tiredly.   
I reasoned for a second. “Another fight with your parents… what happened?”

“Put my aunts and uncles and everyone else aside, they just… well… they really like to compare me to others and start asking me questions about my future and whatnot…” 

I nodded before realizing he couldn’t see me, so I hurried to hum. 

“And they start talking in such a judgmental way about everything… they start making racist jokes, they start question my friends and actions and sometimes I just get sick of this…” 

I figured this might be what’s bugging him so much. But why would he call me? It didn’t really matter though, I was happy to hear from him. Maybe, just maybe, I can help out a bit.

“You can’t really relate huh?” he asked. I could hear a hint of sadness in his voice.

“I can’t compare nor really understand… but that doesn’t mean I can’t relate,” I whispered, hugging my knees tighter.

“Yeah… you’re right.”

“Do you want to tell me more about it?” I inquired. Maybe he just wanted to talk it out.

“It’s pointless,” he said simply. “It’s fine, I’m used to riddling with my parents.” I waited a bit. He didn’t continue.

“Okay. In that case, wanna hear something funny that happened today when we were lighting the fireworks?” 

“Yeah sure!”

We spent the rest of the night talking about funny memories from past Christmases, New Year’s, and other holidays. When I used to be sad, both my parents and my friends had learned the habit of making me feel better by making me smile and laugh. I would feel that there is something in life to live for, even the small happy memories that came to mind at midnight. This was the perfect moment. 

I started to get really tired at some point, and my eyes felt dry. But I fought it. Jean’s voice in my ear was enough to both keep me awake and put me to sleep. I understood my error when the room started to look brighter and I no longer needed my lamp. When we finally hung up, I noticed that Grandpa would wake up very soon and thus I hurried to my room. 

The birds were singing on top of the tree in front of my window. I felt like shooting them all. In a couple of hours I have to be already sitting in class with a long working day ahead of me. Jean’s parents would probably have a heart attack when they see the phone bill, and both of us will probably have a heart attack because of the amount of coffee we’d have to drink. Especially when we are barely allowed to drink coffee at our age. 

I can sense that today is going to be horrible…

Happy New Year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fifth grade memories are hard to remember. Thanks and have a nice day!
> 
> \---  
> [This isn't an April Fool's Day joke, but this is the beta purple_pyro posting this chapter on behalf of jelly_bat. The words "Queen Purple Pyro" are their words and definitely not mine.]


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys I'm SOOOO sorry. I know it took me a lot of time.  
> My excuse is life. I've been on a 2 month course (which means studying from 8 am till 22 pm. That's how it is in the army) Plus it was my b-day and way too much stuff happened. I'm really sorry, so have this big Chapter of teen dorks being dorks!  
> Thank you so much for all your kuddos and your comments. You guys rock. Really.  
> Special thanks to the Goddess and best beta Purple_pyro!

Jan 2nd 

 

Dear Diary;

 

Yesterday was one of the weirdest days I’ve had in my life. I don’t even know whether to consider it a good day or a bad day. 

It all started (or more accurately continued) from the night I spent awake talking to Jean on the phone. I made sure to be quiet until I heard grandpa wake up. I almost fell asleep on the table while writing my last note as I waited for the hour to pass by. It was a long day at school and I wouldn’t pass by home before going to work, so I had put the pepper gas in my pocket and take all the things I needed for work with me. My body was heavy and the clothes I put on were feeling extra cold against my skin. I was trembling slightly. 

After collecting the notebooks for school, I went down to prepare breakfast. Grandpa didn’t say much aside of his usual “good morning” and his few comments about the news he was reading on the daily paper. That was a good sign, and I was quite excited about the fact that I was undiscovered. I heard most of what Grandpa was saying but I was barely listening.

I had a sudden rush of energy and I felt like I could probably make it for the rest of the day. In the end I didn’t make myself coffee.  
As I walked to school I felt I could run a marathon. 

It was the biggest mistake ever.

All energy abandoned my body the very second class began. I tried moving around, biting my finger, drinking water and asking to go to the bathroom. Nothing was of much use. My head was heavy, my thoughts would drift somewhere else and I would suddenly see my dreams before me with my eyes wide open. Since I tried to keep writing down the lesson, my handwriting would distort into something completely unclear. At some point I wrote “High the melted tree,” “No longer Abba,” and “Cannot undo jumping turtle Jesus.” I have no idea where these came from. The lesson was citizenship…

When lunch finally came I was actually tearing up out of joy that I had survived so long. Eren was waiting for me at our usual table. I was so used to him sitting with Mina that seeing him alone and waving at me brought a familiar feeling of excitement. He looked half dead as well.

“You didn’t sleep, did you.”

“Four hours,” he said yawning, “and we have practice today.”

I was about to say that I didn’t sleep at all but I didn’t want him to ask why. Mikasa’s appearance was quite opportune. She was the only one who didn’t look tired and was even slightly more talkative than usual. 

The next class was Chemistry. I was an excited and nervous wreck. I’d spent hours thinking about how to distract myself from thinking about Jean, but then I heard his voice for a single second and I’m able to stay up all night. I was quite disappointed with myself. 

The worst thing was to think that I’m not even “allowed” to have a crush on him. I’m a guy. What chance do I have at all? Gays were already rare here. In fact, I feel like I’m probably the only guy who is not attracted by the opposite sex in the entire school. I have absolutely no idea about his sexuality but I can see how he looks at girls and how he makes perverted jokes. The chance he may be attracted to boys is probably equivalent to the chance of Connie becoming the new Michael Jordan.

My face fell each time I would think about it. The only things left with me were my fantasies and day-dreams, and although I kept telling myself that that was completely fine, deep down I knew it wasn’t.

Jean was nowhere to be seen at lunch. So was Marco. I wondered if maybe he didn’t come to school at all.

The bell rung and I felt a bit less tired as I headed to the lab. Jean was already sitting at our table when I entered the room, and suddenly I felt wide awake. We were done working on our project in class and homework was the only thing left. This wasn’t much fun, because now we had normal lessons and we couldn’t chat as much as we did before. 

“Did you get any sleep?” Jean asked with a mortified voice as I sat beside him.

“None.”

“I fell asleep on top of the phone,” he continued. “My mom woke me up when I was already supposed to get out of home. What a nightmare.”

The teacher entered, asking for silence, and the lesson begun. I was having a hard time trying to not look at Jean. I used the excuse of watching out for him and giving him light punches whenever I saw him closing his eyes for longer than usual. That way I could also touch him, which was my weird new urge. But I was tired too, and I tried to move myself a bit. That option was discarded as soon as I gained a few annoyed looks because my chair screeched. In the end we understood that we weren’t going to concentrate on the lesson anyway, so we started to joke around. I felt like I had a clear idea of what is like to be drunk. Every little thing was funny to the point of tears. 

The teacher started to notice us and asked us to behave. Since I’m usually the quiet-type of student, everyone else was rather surprised to see me being scolded. In fact I noticed how she paid more attention to us specifically. She was probably trying to keep us in check. “If you two can’t keep it quiet I’ll have to ask you to get out! Seriously, what is this, first grade?” The teacher scoffed at us angrily.

“You heard her Armin, keep it quiet” said Jean teasingly.

“Me? But I-”

“Shhhh! Armiiiiiin… you don’t want to end up with your…” he moved closer with his eyes wide open and whispered “LEG OUT… of the classroom.”

I didn’t get it at first, so I kept staring at him blankly. After like a minute it finally got to me and I slapped my cheek. “You are an idiot,” I sighed. He was laughing. He kept laughing like an idiot until the teacher asked us to use an indicator on one of the acids. Then his jokes were back.

“Careful! Don’t you put your ‘Arm-in’ that liquid!”

“It’s not even funny anymore!” I cried.

“It’s always funny!”

“Lalalalala I can’t hear you!” I said, looking aside and placing the beaker of acid on our table. We were acting like two big five year-olds. 

“Oh really now,” he said, coming closer. I started to hum, pretending to ignore him. “Oh fuck no! You are not humming that shit again!” he cried. 

“Why do you hate the Ghostbusters so much?” I asked.

“Have you ever listened the song? It sounds like they are calling for bitches!”

I sneered. “That’s not true!” I tried my best not to laugh. I was already holding the acid and my hand was shaking.

“Who you gonna call? THOSE BASTARDS!” 

“Pfft!” I moved forward and a small amount of liquid spilled out of the test tube. “Shit.” I quickly set the tube aside.

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean it,” Jean said, rushing over with a sheet of paper towel. As he was leaning over he accidentally knocked over the beaker. Everything spilled onto me and stained my pants. 

“Jean!” 

“Shit shit shit!” Jean cringed.

“What is going on here?” The teacher exclaimed as she approached us. 

“We spilled the beaker by accident and…” I started to explain awkwardly.

“And Armin kinda… wet his pants,” Jean was unsuccessfully trying to contain his laugher and I shot him a deadly glare.

“Can I please to the bathroom to clean… this?” I looked back at the teacher.

“I’ll go with you,” Jean interfered.

“Yes. Go. And do me a favor and calm yourselves down on the way,” the teacher exclaimed angrily as she began cleaning up the table.

As both Jean and I exited the classroom I gave him a lazy push. 

“What! It’s not my fault! You put the glass there!”

“You could at least try to not joke about it.”

“I wasn’t joking. You actually wet your pants,” he grinned.

“You dickhead!” I fumed.

“You cockhead!” he spat back.

“You fuckhead!”

“You… you… ass head?”

“That doesn’t exist.”

“Mushroom head!”

“How DARE you!” I was about to give him another push but he stopped me, looking at the end of the hallway.

“Who is that?” He asked with his eyes still focused on the same direction. I turned my head and tried to understand what he was talking about. 

At the end of the hallway, the entrance door to the school was open, and our principal was standing there with a small suitcase and a terrified expression. Alongside him stood a tall, very handsome man. He had golden blonde hair, with an undercut just like Jean’s, but his hair was not as messy. As he looked our way I noticed he had blue, piercing eyes and thick eyebrows. He had a strange aura of superiority and wisdom, even when he hadn’t even said a single word. He looked more or less on his early thirties. 

“I don’t know,” I whispered. I also noted how he had a suitcase in his hands as well “Maybe it’s a new teacher.”

Turns out it wasn’t a new teacher, as we learned so after we returned to class and were called to the stadium along with all the other classes. 

“Hey guys! How are you d… Armin, what happened to you?” Sasha exclaimed as she joined me and Jean with in the crowd alongside Eren.

“Lab accident,” I mumbled. After we went to the bathroom and tried to wash off the acid, a huge, discolored stain still remained. It made me quite upset. I liked those pants, and now I also had to run home after class to change because I couldn’t go like this to work.

“How come lately you always end up covered in something disgusting?” she inquired, looking at the stain.

“Huh?” Eren stared at us with a confused look.

“Nevermind,” I interrupted, quickly shaking my head.

“Does anybody know why we were summoned here?” I heard Connie’s voice as he joined us as well. 

“No. Where’s Marco?” Jean asked. Connie pointed to the entrance and suddenly Jean was gone. That made me a bit upset too.

When all the freshman classes finally arrived, the man we saw earlier came to stage and presented himself as Erwin Smith, our new principal. We were all surprised. Nobody knew what happened to the previous one, it seemed like not even the teachers had a clue. After presenting himself, he started quite a speech. 

Most of it was about how he was happy to be our principal and had big expectations for us. But then, all of sudden, he started talking about something I’ve been hearing in the news lately but I vaguely remembered. Or maybe I just didn’t give it that much importance.  
Apparently there is a new drug going around, and he would not accept any students who show signs of using drugs in school. He was quite explicit about the consequences. It made me wonder as why would he mention such a thing in his first speech to us, and I couldn’t help but to feel like there was some kind of hidden meaning behind it. He doesn’t look like a fool to me after all.

Maybe I was being over dramatic, but I could swear that at the very last sentence of his speech, he looked at each and every student as if he was searching for someone. And when he looked to where I was standing with Eren, I could swear he stared at us for a second longer than everyone else. Apparently I wasn’t the only one thinking so, as Eren said that he had given him an intimidating feeling when he was looking at us.

After this, we returned to our classes and routine as if nothing had happened. As the day progressed, I felt less tired and it was easier to pay attention in class. After a few hours I was even wondering why I felt so tired in the morning.  
School suddenly turned quiet, and there was a feeling of uneasy inquietude around. I don’t think that I was the only one who noticed it, but everyone simply kept going with their silent routines. I ended up doing the same. During breaks I would constantly look around while walking, imagining what I’d tell Jean if I happened to meet him on the way. But Jean was either nowhere to be seen or stuck like glue to Marco, and I was both relieved and disappointed about it.  
When the day was finally over and the bell rung, I ran outside even faster than the homesick kid of the corner.

There was no time at all. I made it to my house but tripped on the stairs. Although I was in terrible pain and cursing the living shit out of everything, I somehow managed to change pants and get outside in about two minutes. At last, I made it in time to the bus and the store.

There wasn’t a lot to do that day, and the evening passed slowly as I tried to comfort Mrs. Mary. Moses was leaving again, and the poor old lady was in pieces. I regretted to not have brought more tissues with me. By the end of our working day, I accompanied her to her car and she proposed to drive me home. I politely refused, since I lived quite far away, and she lived in the very opposite direction. I waved good bye and hurried to the bus stop.

Most of the stores were closed by now. The chilly air penetrated my bones as I made my way through the hollow empty streets. But a surprise was waiting for me right there.

“Well, and here I was thinking this place smelled like shit,” I heard someone say in a chirped voice. I froze on the spot. “But it was just a fag all along!”

Five blocks were standing in front of me. I recognized at least three. Not this. Not again.

I made a move backwards, but two of them were quick to surround me. I was trapped. I could feel the cold sweat running down my spine.

“Wow! I’m impressed to see a lady alone in these streets at night!” The Ed guy stood in front of me. I frowned. I was sick of hearing his twisted comments.

“How about we give her some company? It’s dangerous out here,” another one said. They started to get closer and I pressed my arms against my body.

Slowly, I had put my hand inside my pocket. There was no other option. This time I had to defend myself with everything I had and I wouldn’t let them take me down. I didn’t like fights, but this was self-defense. I just had to scare them off and then I could escape.

My fingers reached the end of the pocket. A sudden realization came to me.

The pepper gas wasn’t there.

What.

WHAT.

I felt panic growing inside of me.

I changed pants. I changed pants and I left the pepper gas at home out of hurry.

No. This can’t be.

I didn’t have just enough time to panic when the first blow came out of nowhere. I fell to my knees and covered my head with my arms. Then I was taken from the elbows and lifted up. I started to move around frenetically. I started to feel desperate. 

A second fist to my guts, then a third one, and I stopped struggling.  
“Stop! Leave me alone!” I croaked with my head down. “What is your problem!”

I heard an almost offended sneer. “My problem? Are you really going to pretend you don’t know? What a faggot.” He spat on the ground beside me.

I had no idea what he was talking about. I wanted to know and I was about to ask, but the words got stuck on my throat as I gasped.  
One of them started to touch me all over and for a moment I feared the worst. 

“What is it? Does it turn you on faggot?” I had never felt as disgusted by human contact as I had at that moment. “Damn! He has nothing interesting aside of a few bucks,” he said when he was finished. 

“Not much in his bag either.”

“We don’t really have time for this,” I heard Ed say. He came closer and lifted my chin forcefully. “Let’s just let him be this time.” He kicked me so hard that I flew back and landed on the ground, hitting my head. 

There was a piercing pain in the back of my skull and I started to feel really dizzy. My whole torso was in pain and I felt like I was going to throw up. I might have been seeing double, but it was too dark to define. They lifted me again, carried me to a dark backstreet with a few trashcans and dropped me. Slowly, their voices started to fade away until I didn’t hear them anymore.

I don’t know how much time I spent just lying there on the ground. I think that at some point I might have lost consciousness, because I remember next to nothing from then until I finally found the energy to stand up. The spot on my head where it hit the ground throbbed painfully, and I tried to search for signs of blood. The concrete floor was so cold that I barely felt my arms. It was filthy and smelled of things I preferred not to imagine.  
I stood up and checked my watch. It was already 22:58. There were no more busses home. Grandpa must be dead worried. 

I felt so helpless. Why do they like to pick on me so much? I had done nothing to deserve this. I wasn’t even able to use my pepper gas. Why did I buy it in the first place if in the end this is what happened?  
I cleaned my teary eyes and collected my belongings before starting to walk as fast as I could. The last thing that I wanted was to get into a situation worse than I already was in.

The only place that was in my head at that moment was the Cherry Bomb. I had to get there as soon as possible. As I ran by the alley where I saw that blonde girl back then, I looked around, but there was no sign of her. There wasn’t a single soul in that alley. 

When I finally reached the building with the big neon cherry, there was another guy standing on the entrance. I remembered Marco saying that there were usually two of them, so this had to be the second guy, Hugo. He seemed older and more serious than Michael.

“Who are you?” he asked with an alarmed voice as I approached, stumbling slightly and holding my belly.  
“I’m a friend of Jean Kirstein and Marco Bodt,” I replied. “Please, I need help… are they inside?”

He frowned. “They are not,” he said dryly. It was clear that he wasn’t going to let me inside in my current state.

“Can I make a call? They said I could…” I begged.

“I’m sorry but-“

“Mushroom Head!” I turned around at the familiar voice and sighed in deep relief. Gustav and Anka were waving my way.

“Hey… wait… What happened?!”

“I was robbed.” I lied.

“Are you okay? Did they hurt you? Do you need me to call an ambulance?” Anka stammered as she came closer to examine me.

“No, that is not necessary. I just need to call…” I reasoned for a second. I had to call grandpa, but at the same time I was afraid of how he’d react. What was I going to do?  
“… Jean! I need to call Jean,” I said finally. I don’t know why I said it, but it was the first thing that came to my head. I couldn’t let grandpa see me like this. If I go to Eren and Mikasa’s, which was a better option since Mr. Grisha is a doctor, there is a possibility that he or Eren’s mom would tell grandpa.

“What’s going on?” Ian came up from behind Gustav and looked in between the three of us.

“He got robbed. We’ve got to call Kirstein. Do you have his number?” 

“Jean? Won’t you prefer to call the police? Or medical help?” Ian said looking at me.

I shook my head no. “I’m fine.”

Ian stared at me for a moment, then took out a tiny black notebook from his jeans and listed through its yellow pages. He gave the notebook to Gustav and when the later one had gone inside, he came closer to me. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to call the cops?” He turned to Anka  
“Why is that that all of Kirstein’s friends are like this?” He sighed.

“What do you mean? I asked.

“You know. Marco?” I shook my head.

“I’m not following. What about Marco?” I asked worriedly. I didn’t know about anything that had happened to him.  
Anka glanced at Ian with uneasiness. “I think he doesn’t know…”

“What do I not know? What happened to Marco?”

“I don’t think I’m one to speak if your friends haven’t told you,” Ian sighed. “Shit, now it’s my fault that I said it.”

“So?” I stared at him.

“The first time we met Jean and Marco… Was when Marco got attacked on the street,” Anka said finally.

“What?!” I was shocked. I remembered Marco getting nervous when I asked if anything had ever happened to them, but I didn’t imagine it was like this. 

“Don’t tell them that we told you though,” Ian commented with a guilty expression “Not a word. Got it?”

“Yes,” I mumbled. “Don’t worry about it.”

What had happened? When? Why Marco? Who would dare to do something to him? He is the nicest guy I know… I stood there reasoning in silence while Ian whispered something intangible to Anka. What was up with this damn day?

Gustav came back, saying that he had called Jean and that Jean wanted to come and pick me up, but he had said that they will just drive me there.

“You know where he lives?” I asked Ian.

“Of course. We went to his house once,” he said, guiding me over to the rack of motorcycles.

I wasn’t as worried as I felt guilty about what I was doing. I should go home. I should tell grandpa what happened. But I was just too ashamed and scared to do it. Maybe I could just invent some kind of excuse. I’d probably figure it out. 

My body ached as I pressed myself against Ian. It was very different than driving with Jean. Ian had more confidence and experience. He drove faster and his turns were sharper. I had to hug him tight because I was afraid of falling off at some points. Without gloves, my hands were freezing and I could barely move my fingers. I had to change hands every few minutes in order to heat up a bit one of them with my breath. 

Jean was sitting on the front porch when we arrived. He didn’t say anything at first. Ian patted my shoulder in farewell and told me to feel better. Jean thanked him from bringing me, and he drove away.

“I called your grandpa,” Jean said then. I turned to face him but he wasn’t looking at me. I noted how he was avoiding eye contact. “I told him that you passed by to take some books and we accidentally fell asleep on the sofa because we were exhausted. I also told him that you were too tired to speak and that you’re staying the night.”

I felt so, so relieved at that moment. 

“Jean you-”

“I’m not stupid. I figured that you didn’t want your old man to know. Otherwise you would call him and not me.”

I smiled to myself and Jean started to move towards the house. “Come in. It’s freezing out here.” We entered the house and ran up the stairs directly into Jean’s room. 

His bed was unmade and there were clothes thrown around on the floor. The desk was somewhat messy as well, with books and notebooks pilled together and other objects such as art tools moved to a corner. Only the lava lamp of the desk was on. The realization that I had probably woken him up hit me like a bucket of cold water.  
Since the house was silent, I couldn’t quite figure out if his parents were asleep or not.

“Alright. What the fuck happened? Gustav only gave me a summary.”

“I was robbed when I was on my way to the bus stop. I had nothing with me so they just beat me up. I hit my head too and I think I lost consciousness…”

“Let me see that,” he suddenly exclaimed as he approached me.

“… What?”

“Take off your clothes.”

“Ummm.”

“Just do it!” He was pissed. One could easily tell. I backed off a bit but he still reached me and helped me to undress hurriedly.  
I took off my coat, sweater and shirt and remained only in my pants. Although his room was warm, I still felt a chill down my spine as I looked at the blue and black marks that were starting to appear in my body.

Jean looked intensely at the marks for a moment, then he came closer again and asked me to take off my pants too. I refused, and this was silly, so very silly. But I didn’t feel comfortable with the situation. 

“What’s your deal? Just take it off!”

“No it’s okay I just-”

He didn’t let me finish the sentence as he huffed with impatience and anger and started to unbutton my pants.

“Stop!” I exclaimed nervously.

“Jesus, Armin, we’re both boys!”

I slapped his hands off with a push. He seemed surprised by the action but he didn’t move further.

“Alright,” he resigned. “I’m just going to ask. Did they hit you anywhere else? Did they do something else to you…?”

I think I finally comprehended what he was meant. It only brought darker thoughts to my mind and I suddenly felt fear. “No,” I replied simply. “They just hit me and left.” 

Jean sat on his bed with a sigh. “Why didn’t you call Eren? Isn’t his dad a doctor?”

“I don’t need a doctor,” I fumed. “Like you’ve never been hit before.”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Jean said calmly. “I’m just saying, you probably should check your head injury.”

“I’ll be alright.”

“I know you will.” He stood up again and I began to redress. Then, he came closer and reached my head with his palm, ruffling and messing up my hair. I think I leaned into his touch way too much and I really hope he didn’t notice.

“You have a bump back here,” he said stopping his hand under my nape. 

“I said I’ll be alright!” I cried tiredly. 

“And I said that I know you will!” He replied imitating my tone. His hand was slightly tickling the area he pointed out. “And still…?”

“What?”

“Why?”

“I was afraid that Eren’s dad would say something to my grandpa,” I kept leaning into his touch, and the warmth was making it hard to concentrate. “If grandpa hears about it he probably won’t ever let me go back to my job. And I need it.”

“Well maybe it is for the best if you quit.”

“Not happening.”

“Well look at what happened! I should have never showed you the place.”

“If you are all about blaming yourself now, stop it.” Of course I could see right through him.

“I’m not but-” Someone knocked on the door and Jean let go of my hair so fast one would think it was a burning iron.

“Jeanbo what is-” the door opened for a bit and Jean’s mom’s head was peeking in funnily at us. She looked at me with a confused expression, then at Jean.

“Armin is staying over,” he said.

“Jean isn’t it too late to-”

“He is staying over,” his tone was more demanding this time. I started to feel uneasy. I hated to be there when my friends argued with their parents. Especially if it’s my fault.

She opened the door fully and entered the room. They started to speak in French and I didn’t understand a single word, but I could easily tell that the conversation was tense. Not from the side of Jean’s mom but from Jean. After a few minutes, she said a last sentence and turned to leave. 

Jean looked quite angry and I really didn’t get why. His mom seemed so calm, but I also have no idea what they talked about.

“My mom just really doesn’t like it… when someone stays over…” he finally said. I was confused.

“Not even Marco?”

“Especially not Marco.”

“Why?” He didn’t answer. Instead he just sighed and started to undress. I suddenly realized where I was standing and that I was about to sleep in the same room with the guy I have a crush on. 

“You really don’t mind… if I sleep here tonight?”

“No.”

“I don’t have anything with me.”

“You can wear my stuff.”

“You don’t have much space”

“Do you want to go back home right now or what?” he turned around to look at me with annoyance. He had taken off his shirt and I couldn’t but notice that he was in great shape.

“No…”

“Then shut it and take that off,” he threw a grey t-shirt and boxers from his closet “We have school tomorrow remember?”

To be honest, I had forgotten. I hadn’t even checked my watch since I woke up on that dirty alley. It was already 1:47 a.m. That only made me feel even worse. Not only I woke him up with such a call, but also came here almost uninvited and ended up staying. I was probably taking all his time. He, just like me, hadn’t slept the previous day. 

His clothes, again, were slightly oversized on me. While on him, it looked almost like he had picked a small shirt instead of giving it to me. It toned his muscles and it made them look even better and bigger than they probably were. I suddenly regretted my decision to come here in the first place.

“Alright look, there is only one small problem. The extra under bed for stay-overs is on the attic.”

I felt my cheeks heating up. I knew what it meant. 

“… So you’ll sleep with me. But the bed is quite big so I think its fine.”

No. It’s not fine. Not fine at all. Sure, Eren and I and even Mikasa slept one on the other sometimes but this is different. 

His bed didn’t seem like a two-compartment bed to me the more I looked at it. It was more of a slightly larger single bed. I could calculate 100 ways this could end badly.

“May I get some ice?” I asked.

“What for?”

“My head?” I said rolling my eyes slightly to make it look obvious.

“Oh! Yeah sure,” he replied hurriedly and went outside. I was probably going to need ice not only for my head. After lying on the frozen floor for quite a while, I guess it helped a bit, as ironic as it sounds. So my head wasn’t hurting as much as it could have. But I was a teenager stuck in the same bed with a handsome block, whom I happened to be very attracted to. I was surely going to need the ice. 

While he was gone I looked around. Some of his cassettes were missing from their place. There was a nameless purple cassette I haven’t seen before on top of them all. Clothes were strewn around clumsily inside his closet. Boxes had been pulled out from under the bed. It was obvious that the last time I came here he had cleaned the room for my arrival. I imagined his mom bossing him around and laughed a bit. 

Jean brought a plastic bag with ice cubes and we wrapped it in a towel. 

He took the side of the bed that was facing the wall, and I tried to put as much distance as possible between us, which made me feel a little like I was falling out of the bed. 

“G’d night,” he mumbled. 

“Good night,” I replied back, but it looked like he was already asleep. He was more tired than I thought. 

I however, stayed awake for quite a while. The room was warm but I was sweating way too much. I turned to face Jean as soon as my eyes got used to the darkness and I allowed myself to get closer.  
His chest was rising softly with every breath he took. I recalled the whole day and wondered how everything turned out like this.  
By the end of the day I was sleeping with Jean in the same bed and I sort of didn’t even regret being hit. 

I fell asleep watching his lips open and close while exhaling air and fantasizing silly, clichéd scenarios that could coincidently happen and would end up with Jean “accidentally” kissing me like in the movies. 

I don’t remember dreaming about anything, but I somehow woke up before the alarm went off. The first thing I realized when I was fully awake was the terrible heat I was feeling. Apparently sleeping with another person heated me up more than I remembered. I could feel the duvet stick to my legs and it made a gross sound when I moved them a bit.

The second thing I realized was the difficulty I was having in moving my legs at all. There was something heavy on me that restricted my movements and when I looked around, I noticed Jean’s leg on top of mine and his arm hugging my shoulder. He managed to climb on me without waking me at all. His face was just next to mine. Too close next to mine. I could feel him breathing on my cheek and his drooling had reached my hair. I wanted to die just there. 

Then the third and worst realization hit me. I woke up with a “morning wood.” (That’s what Eren calls it). 

Now I really wanted to just die there. Crap I just knew this was going to happen, and the ice had already melted. Waking up hard wasn’t that strange when you are a teenage guy, but just… 

Why right NOW. Why right HERE.

Thank God he was still asleep. I moved him off of me carefully and headed to the bathroom as silently as I could. The bathroom was right on the middle of the hallway between his room and his parents’. I heard voices downstairs and I panicked for a moment. I rushed to the door and locked it. 

But what now? I couldn’t take a cold shower because I wasn’t at my own house and I didn’t have anything with me. I also couldn’t just wait for it to calm down on its own. At first I thought about maybe using the lavatory but that just seemed gross and out of place. 

So I sat on the toilet and started to jerk off. Imagination wasn’t a problem considering the way I had woken up. The problem was that when I was in the middle I somehow completely forgot I wasn’t alone, and when someone knocked on the door I had almost ripped my member off. 

“Jeanbo? Is that you in there? I don’t want to bother but can you please pass me your father’s cologne?”

“Emmm…” I silently cursed the shit out of everything and tried to hide my erection the best I could in between my legs. “Emmmmm…” I took a towel and opened the door.  
“Jea- Oh.” She seemed surprised to see me and I wondered if she had forgotten I had slept here. 

“Sorry, I have no idea which one it is,” I said with a nervous smile. I was holding the towel in my hands like I was just drying them off and it covered most of my crotch. I really hoped she wouldn’t notice.

“… Right. Uh… Bonjour! I mean-”

“Good morning to you as well!” I smiled kindly. She entered to take the cologne and went out quickly. I locked the door again and sighed in relief. 

I was still hard but now I had to start over. Crap. 

I sat down again and tried to focus. The faster I was done, the faster I could go back to the room and out of this embarrassing situation. I was almost there, when the door knocked again.

“Armin, are you in there?” It was Jean. Why did the world hate me so much? 

“Yes!” I yelled back.

“Are you going to take long?”

“I’m almost finished.” 

“Okay.”

I had no idea if he was still there or he had left. But I tried to focus once again. It was getting more difficult each time. I closed my eyes and tried to remember this morning. I suppressed a moan. 

“Armin?” Shit he was still here.

“Mmmmm?”

“Are you alright?”

“Mhhmm!” 

“What is taking you so lo-”

“Ahh!” I finished. I let out a small moan out loud and I closed my mouth with my hand in horror. I didn’t know whether I was more embarrassed or terrified.

“… Armin?”

“ Ahh… Ahh!! Jean don’t scream in the morning! My head hurts!”

“… Oh! Emm, sorry I… I thought… Nevermind.”

I was gasping for air. I hurried to clean the mess with toilet paper and shoved it all inside the toilet. As I flushed the water rose with all the paper and wasn’t draining. Great. Just great. I desperately took the brush and started to show it harder. It went down. I rushed to open the door and ran right to the room, passing by Jean who looked at me tiredly. 

I sat down on the bed and laughed. What a way to start a morning.  
When Jean entered the room I was already dressed up. He liked to take his time dressing though, so I sat on his bed and leaned against the wall, counting the Xena stickers of his closet and trying not look too much. Sometimes I wondered if I was being too obvious. 

“Jean, we are going to be late.”

“No we won’t,” he said with a smirk. “I’m never late.” 

I raised an eyebrow. 

“Okay, okay, just sometimes,” he turned to show me the “The Beavis and Butthead Experience” shirt he was wearing. “What do you think?”

“That you look like crap.” I said with disdain. 

“No but seriously.”

“I don’t know! You look fine! Can we go down already?” he looked satisfied with himself. 

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

We went down to eat breakfast that his mom had prepared him. It was a strange dish that looked like a fried dough filled with something red, and it was delicious. His mom sat to eat with us after serving the plate to “Jeanbo” and ruffling his hair. Jean yelled at her and I thought he over reacted a bit.

“My son can have such horrible manners sometimes…” she mentioned to me and I noted how Jean got scarlet. 

She asked me about why did I arrive at such hour the previous night, and didn’t I think it was a bit late. Jean was about to say something but I had already formed an answer while sitting on his bed waiting.  
I said that I planned on arriving before but I had stayed to work till late and missed the last bus. I don’t think she believed me, but she didn’t ask further. Instead she just asked me about my workplace. She seemed way nicer than when I had first met her. I wondered why that was.

Once we were finished, Jean and I rushed to school. It was further from his house than mine. 

“You are coming over this weekend?” he asked as we were passing by the kiosk. “You know, to continue the project?”

The project was tucked so far away in a corner inside my brain at that moment that I almost forgot what he was talking about. “Yes, of course.” I mumbled. He smirked. 

We didn’t talk much on the way. On the corner of the park, Marco was waiting for us. He was very surprised by my presence, but he smiled brightly and gave me a side hug. When he wrapped his arm around my shoulder I suddenly remembered Ian’s words, and I think I pressed against him a bit too harshly. 

From that moment until we made it to school, I walked behind them both as they chatted about something I couldn’t hear over my own thoughts. 

When I was at Jean’s, I had for an instance forgotten about who I was and who was he, and everything seemed like a romantic comedy. But there is the fact that I am gay, and he is not. That he may not care, but I do. That he can do whatever he wants and it won’t mean anything, but what about me? 

I don’t know why I started with this train of thoughts the moment I saw Marco. Maybe it was because now I know he had been hurt in the past, and it reminded me of my own situation and the life I was dealing with at the moment. Or maybe it was the fact that deep inside I was still ridiculously jealous of their closeness. And that reminded me my place in this whole story. 

Or maybe I was really taking this all way to seriously. I just don’t know anymore. 

We parted ways in the hallway soon after entering the building, and I went to meet with Eren near the lockers. 

There is just so, so much I want to tell him and Mikasa. But on the other side, I’m sure I can deal with this in my own too.

As Eren hugged me, my body suddenly realized it was still injured, and I made a painful gasp. My torso and head still hurt from yesterday, and I became more aware of that the more the day was progressing. 

I spent PE sitting on the stairs and reading, and I heard some guys complain about me being a whiny baby. It’s not like I wasn’t used to that, to be honest, quite the opposite. But then what really got to me is that I AM, in fact, used to it. And that should be really wrong. 

Both school and work passed very slowly, and grandpa was angry at me once I returned home because of yesterday. At least I think he believed Jean’s story and that’s what’s important. 

I better be more careful from now on. It was not the first time I saw the seniors around that street of the big city. Now more than ever, since it’s almost like they are pretending to be more passive at school. But the fact that I told the director about it didn’t do much anyway, apparently. Should I try with this new one? There’s just something strange about him…

Right now I’m rolling in bed, trying to find a pose that won’t hurt that much. I’m glad I’m back to my own bed and back to privacy. But on the other hand, I really miss Jean’s closeness.

It’s hard… imagining that someday someone else will be on the very spot I was yesterday, in the same position I was. But they will experience Jean’s intended warmth, and their fantasies may indeed become true.

Good Night.

 

Feb 1st 

Dear Diary;

 

I’ve been so incredibly busy over this past month that I had just to take a day off of everything to write in here. 

Going to Jean’s house has become a habit, so I no longer have the weekends to catch up. We finished our project, yet we silently agreed to not mention it, and still keep meeting at his house as if it has always been like that. 

Sometimes Marco joins us. On those times it was easier for us to talk like we usually did at school, since it was always different how we acted when in groups and how when we were alone. But those times I would also notice just how different Jean was around Marco in general, and I wondered just how they acted around each other when they were alone. 

I’ve also noted an interesting pattern about Jean’s parents. His mom is very nice and always happy to see me, however she always turns nervous when also his dad is at home too. Jean seems very bothered by it all, and I’ve started to ask myself if maybe my presence is not as welcomed by his dad. Although as far as I faced him, he didn’t seem bothered at all. 

There are just things I can’t understand about Jean’s family, but I told myself to not look too much into it. Instead, I focused my entire attention on Jean and the only time we could actually be alone. 

I feel like I like him more every day. Sometimes I would try to search for the bad things about him and his attitude, but it was like whenever he did something nice I would automatically forget them or tell myself that I could deal with it. It’s a frustrating zig-zag train of thought that I can’t get rid of and I wish I could. But it would only come to my mind whenever I was alone or had time to reflect about it. Whenever I was with him I would forget it was a problem and I felt as if I were any other sixteen-year-old. With the exception of a strong need to pin him down or smash him against a wall and kiss him until we are both are out of breath, of course. 

One time we bought a big box of bubble gum (like the ones they have at the drugstore) and spent entire evenings chatting about everything that popped to mind while collecting the stickers and adding them to his closet. 

“I’m so glad we are done with this stupid project,” he mumbled as we sat on his bed, organizing the stickers.

“Why? Didn’t you have fun doing it?”

“It’s not that.”

“So?” 

“I just don’t like chemistry in general,” he replied with uneasiness. 

“Why are you doing it then?”

“My parents wanted me to. They think I’ll need one of these ‘more serious’ subjects for my future.”

“But you don’t like it.” I knew what he was going to answer.

“But they might be right,” he sounded defeated, “just like math. Nobody likes math, but we know it’s important.”

“I like math,” I said smiling. 

“You are an abomination.”

“No I’m not!” I opened another gum packet and let the sticker slide in between my fingers. It was one we already had. “What are you going to study?”

“I don’t know…” he sighed deeply. 

“But then how do you know whether it’ll be relevant or not?”

“I don’t. But it’s just in case.”

“Just in case you’ll end up studying something you don’t like?”

“Just in case I’ll have to study something that will guarantee my future.” He made a small bubble and popped it. “I thought that you of all people would understand that.”

“I do,” I said sincerely, because I really did mean it. “I just wanted to hear you out.”

“Huh.”

“But you know,” I continued, “you have great potential, so I think you would succeed in whatever you chose. You also don’t have to choose right away if you are not sure.” 

He was silent. Then he started to laugh with an almost relieved tone.

“Can you please be my dad?” he said, making puppy eyes. There was some sincerity in his smile and I understood that he might have needed to hear those words. 

“Nah. But I can be something else.” Like your boyfriend…

“Like what?” Too bad I couldn’t say that out loud.

“Like your mom. I think a dress would look quite good on me.” I replied instead, stroking my hair with a girly gesture.  
Jean smiled brightly, then turned to look at the lava lamp on the desk. “What about you?” he asked.

“What about me?”

“Do you have an idea of what you want to be?”

“I think so.” I replied with hesitation. “I think I want to be an oceanologist.”

“Is that some scientific shit concerning the ocean?”

“Sort of, yeah.”

“Sounds fine. But why specifically that?”

“Well, it all started when I was a kid and I found some of my grandpa’s geography books. It was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Really? The ocean?”

“Yeah! I mean, have you ever thought about it? It’s a gigantic body of water that contains an entire ecosystem inside! Multiple ecosystems! It’s like a universe inside a universe!”

“Well, yeah, but I never thought about it that way…” he said sitting a bit closer. 

“And it’s not only the ocean. There were so many spectacular places such as jungles, ice continents, deserts… there is just another small reason.”

“Which is?” I had the feeling he was actually interested in listening to me and that made me incredibly happy. I crossed my legs more comfortably and continued. “Mom told me once that when she was young, her dad took her to the beach for the first time. They were there for a week.”

“Alright, and?”

“She told me about how she got sunburnt by accident, and how she found like ten medusas while swimming, and how she watched the sunset every evening…” I paused for a second; Jean didn’t say anything. “And then, on the very last day, she was walking around the coast, playing pirates with a friend she had met there. And they came across a bottle in the middle of the wet sand. At first they were sure it was just trash, so they took it with them in order to clean the beach. But then they looked closer… and discovered there was a note inside!”

“A bottle note!” Jean shouted with excitement.

“… It was a message in a bottle.” I corrected him.

“Yeah, a bottle note.”

“But that’s not how you say it.”

“What’s wrong with it?” He didn’t seem confused, but more like defiant.

“Well, nothing really, it’s just that we don’t say it tha-”

“We’ll say it that way anyway,” he finished. I frowned at him, so he softened his tone. “Let’s just make it our own word, so only we can use it,” he said.

“Alright. Bottle note it is then.” I sighed. It really wasn’t that much of a big deal after all.

“Okay, so what was on it?” he asked, restarting the conversation.

“It was a letter, no, more like a poem from someone. I don’t really remember what it said, but it was something sad. Something about losing one’s childhood and feeling lost.” I tried to remember.

“You sound like you have read it.” 

“I have. Mom showed it to me. We had it in our house.” It was a fond memory, when mom told me the story and showed me the dirty brown bottle she guarded dearly. 

“What? That’s kind of ridiculous but it’s also awesome.” He commented. 

“Maybe. But from that day on I dreamt of going to the beach one day. I wanted to see and feel the ocean by myself, and write my own message.” I probably sounded way too excited, but he had pulled my small trigger. “I liked to imagine that one day, somewhere else in the world, someone will find my message. Wouldn’t that be exciting?”

Jean stared at me for a moment without saying anything. A smirk he had tried to repress slowly resurfaced and he turned red trying to contain his laugher. In the end he couldn’t hold it any longer, and burst out laughing. 

“I’m sorry but that’s just the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever heard,” he said between laughs. I stared at him blankly. 

I decided to turn my attention to the stickers again and let him calm down. He could say it was a stupid idea, but I didn’t think so. I just won’t talk about it again and let it be my inner motivation. It’s not anyone’s business anyway. 

“But hey, does that mean you’ve never been to the sea?” he asked after drying his teary eyes.

 

“No… have you?”

 

“Yes, of course. My grandma’s in France, so we go to the coast each time we visited her,” he said eagerly. I just nodded.

“Well, not everyone has a grandma in France.” I only had some distant aunt and her family in England, and the only time I remember seeing them or talking to them was when they came to the funeral. 

“Why haven’t you ever just traveled to it in the country?” he inquired as if it was something obvious. 

“Well you know, that’s quite a few good miles far away,” I smiled. “However we were planning on going with Eren and Mikasa one summer. Probably once we finish high school.”

Jean stared at the stickers silently for a moment. Then he lifted his head again, but he didn’t look directly at me. 

“Maybe we can go earlier.” He mumbled. 

“Huh?”

“Yeah! And we’ll take Marco and Connie and Sasha!” he said happily but still not meeting my eyes. “Let’s go this summer!”

“And who will take us?”

“Both Eren and I have driver’s license. I bet we can convince our parents or just rent a van!” 

“Well that’s…” It sounded actually pretty good. The question was whether we’d actually do it. “…that sounds great!”

We agreed on talking about it with everyone else once summer comes closer by. 

As I returned home that night, I went to the attic to find the “bottle note.” We kept most of my parents’ precious belongings in the attic, mostly because seeing their things around the house would depress both me and grandpa. When I wanted to be alone I went there. It was a place of my own. Not even Eren and Mikasa knew about it, not because it was that big of a secret, but it was a personal place. 

The bottle was among old notebooks of cooking in one of the boxes. It was covered in dust and the paper inside was yellow and slightly damp, but still possible to read. 

“Hello,  
It’s been a while since the last time I’ve seen you.  
Since the last time I’ve opened the little music box.  
Covered with sunny sky drops and dust of stars.  
Hello,  
Have you been waiting for a long time now?  
Looking for the place where we used to meet  
Looking at the old clock, it stopped suddenly.  
I’m sorry,  
Broken old toys, castles of sand and tears  
And the hidden smiles we shared  
Are these our memories?  
Your scars couldn’t be healed with a patch  
Yet you keep smiling, just like in the old days.  
Just like always.  
Looking forward, looking at the skies  
Looking at the old clock, it stopped suddenly.  
The music box is playing  
But only the sound of our breaths soaks in.  
In my heart I feel yours beating.  
I’m sorry.  
It’s been a while since the last time I’ve seen you.

And to you, the one who found this note, remember; do not lose your inner child. Do never let go of that sentiment of joy and hope that filled your body when you looked at the world from your small eyes. Go forwards, but never lose track of your steps. Otherwise your spirit may break. Don’t give up.  
\- Ilse.”

I read the note about three times. I wondered who Ilse was. Why did she write this note, where could she be at this very moment and whether she found what she was looking for in the end. It was quite a sad note, but it also gave a strange glimpse of hope and I think that’s exactly what Ilse wanted. 

I decided to keep it in my room so I could show it to my friends next time they came by my home. 

Although, that has been quite the problem. Since Eren and Mikasa have practice and I have work, we would usually meet in weekends. But now that I was at Jean’s every weekend, I had to divide it so I could be at both places. I spent a day at Jean’s and a day at Eren’s.  
This however, bothered Eren a lot, because he was used to us spending an entire weekend together. 

“You’re spending a lot of time with horse-face,” he commented while biting his sandwich at lunch. 

“You spent lot of time with Mina,” I spat back. I didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying.

“She was my girlfriend.”

“And Jean is my… friend.” I replied awkwardly, “Besides we still have a project together.” I hurried to add. It was a lie, but that’s the only excuse I had.

“You are still not done with that? You aren’t doing a doctorate?” he asked annoyingly.

“Look, I don’t understand what the problem is. When it’s you it’s okay but when it’s me it’s not?” I barked just as snidely.

“It’s not that… urgh! I just feel like lately we aren’t spending time together at all!” he said. 

I realized he was somewhat right. All this time I was the one worrying about us falling apart, especially with their new friends, practices and growing popularity. But then I became closer to Jean, and I suddenly had something else to worry about. 

I felt guilt. I was going on the very steps I despised. 

“It’s just… I’ve been working and you’ve been at practice and…” I sighed. 

“I know…” he seemed sad as well, “but just please don’t let us sink.”

It was strange, because all this time I felt like I was the one worrying about that. 

“Like I’d ever do that to your sorry ass” I assured him. But I will also have to remind him whenever he does the same. 

Mikasa didn’t join us until later. Apparently one of the guys from their team asked her out, and she turned him down. 

“That creep? I knew he had a thing for you.” Eren commented as she told us the story during our free hour together. We went to sit on the bench under the big tree, on the backyard of the school. 

“He’s not a bad guy, but I’m not interested,” she replied calmly as ever.

“He’s a creep. He just kept looking at you during practices, what a loser.”

“Well yeah, that’s what we do when we like someone don’t you think?” I added. Eren looked like he reflected it for a moment, then turned at me again.

“Speaking of that, I don’t remember you speaking about a girl you liked ever.” It wasn’t the first time he’d mentioned it, but I somehow always managed to change the subject. 

“I just haven’t met the right one yet,” I replied simply.

“But like, don’t you want a girlfriend?”

“I believe it will come in time. That’s what grandpa always says.” I felt a bit bitter as I said that. But I couldn’t just go and say that I wasn’t even into girls.

“Well if you need help just tell me okay? There are some very nice girls I met at the party,” he said with a reassuring tone. I noticed how Mikasa looked at him coldly.

“I think Armin already likes someone.” I heard a voice from behind. Sasha appeared along with Connie from behind the tree, biting on her ice popsicle. “Isn’t that right Armin?”

“What?” I felt my guts turn a bit in nervousness. 

“Huh? Really? Who is it?” Connie jumped then. 

“Nobody really. I think you are mistaken.” I laughed as normally as I could. 

“You’re not fooling anyone! I’ve noticed how you’ve been smiling and day dreaming and there is no chance I’m mistaken!” She pointed a long finger at me. 

“Guys, no really, it’s not like that.” I waved back.

“Oh come on man, don’t be shy about it! We’re your friends!” Connie whined. 

“I think you guys should leave him alone,” Mikasa interrupted. “If he wants to tell us, he will.”

Sasha and Connie pouted like two little kids but they didn’t argue, and aside of a few comments, they didn’t push further. Instead they started to focus on Eren, who had no problem speaking freely about the subject. They sat down and joined us until our free hour was over. As we split and headed to our respective classes, Mikasa grabbed me by the shoulder and took me to the side. 

“Umm, everything alright?” 

“Yes I just… Well, I wanted to talk to you.” She seemed quite frustrated.

“What is it?”

“Please don’t tell him okay? I know that you know,” she said with her eyes low. I didn’t need more explanation. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” 

“Thank you.”

“But I think that maybe you should?” I suggested. To be honest I can’t even remember how long it had been going on. 

“I don’t know. I feel like I should wait a little longer,” she replied. “I just really don’t know what he thinks about all this…” 

I knew right away what I should do, but I’m not sure if I was ready to do it. I was ready to help Mikasa get Eren’s attention and interrogate him about whether he considers having a relationship with her. My only fear was that this could end up breaking our circle of friendship, because if they start going out and break up it would be awful. But I love my friends, and I should probably not worry about it if I trust them, right? Am I being selfish again?

“Alright. I’ll try to find out everything I can okay?” I asked with a smile. 

“Thank you Armin,” she said genuinely.

“No prob! Now let’s go before we are late to class,” I said as we started walking again. 

“By the way, is it true?” she asked then.

“What?”

“What Sasha had said about you,” she gave me a suspicious glance. I hesitated a bit. 

“No.” I said finally. She looked at me for another moment.

“Alright,” She replied. We were about to part our ways. “And please… don’t tell anybody else.”

“Promise!” I showed her my pinky finger before turning my back and entering the classroom. 

As usual, after class and whenever I had time, I would sit on the fields and watch them practice. Their next big game is in March, and although they had won the last game with a huge victory, that didn’t prevent their coach from literally making them climb walls. 

Ever since the last game, Jean started to join me when I went to watch them practice. He would throw stupid comments at Eren, and if at first I thought Eren would get mad, I soon figured out that it somehow cheered him up. Sometimes their “friendship” really confused me.

However Jean spent most of the time just silently looking at Mikasa or giving her compliments. Now that was something that started to bother me specifically, and I couldn’t express my annoyance to anyone without making it look like I was either into Mikasa or jealous of her. 

In fact, I would also notice how he would sometimes mention her in our regular conversations or when we were at his house. I would try to not react at all or agree and change the subject when the opportunity showed up. 

But I couldn’t always shake it off as her name started to appear more and more in between his sentences. It was one thing was hear him talk about girls, and other to talk about my best friend. It seemed like there just weren’t enough things to put me down when thinking about him at all. 

It’s not like I think he has a chance with her. But I don’t think I can bear the thought of him having feelings for her…

I was on my way to his house on Friday after school, so I could spend the rest of the weekend with the Jeagers. While walking down the street and listening to my Walkman I reasoned about where I was going with all this. It’s not like I was going to tell Jean how I feel, and it’s not like I could stop liking him or seeing him. I felt sick of all this. I decided to at least stop meeting with him as much. 

I stood in front of the wooden door and rang the bell. It opened almost immediately. Jean had his jean jacket in hand and yelled something in French with an angry tone. Then he took my arm and pushed me back, slamming the door furiously. 

“Wait wha- what is going on?”

“We are getting out of here that’s what!” he yelled at me.

“Where to?”

“I don’t care!” I decided not to ask more questions until he calmed down. It was clear to me he had a fight with his parents again. 

As we walked in no particular direction I slowly tried to guide us to the playground in front of the kiosk, but he still looked pissed so I kept walking until we were down the route to my house.

We didn’t talk as we walked, and the atmosphere was quite awkward. 

“Sorry about this,” he said, stopping abruptly after about ten minutes. 

“It’s fine. What happened?”

“Tsk, nothing. I don’t really want to talk about this.”

We began walking again. It was still a bit cold outside but at least there was no more snow. The streets were almost empty, aside of a few kids riding their bikes down the cold asphalt. 

As Jean looked to the sides I realized he had no idea where we were going either, but he was probably too embarrassed to say so because he was the one who started walking in the first place. 

“Let’s go to the park near our school,” I said when we were crossing the alley that curved to the school. He nodded without a word. 

A group of skaters were sitting on the bench facing the street. Some were trying to make difficult moves on that wooden table.  
We passed the benches and headed to the swings, sitting side by side. The chains were slightly rusty and the swing made a whistle-like sound when moved. The sand was wet and it dirtied my shoes, so I tried to clean them slightly on the puddle under the swing. 

“So, are you going to tell me what happened or…” I began. Jean didn’t say anything for a few minutes. 

“It’s nothing,” he sighed deeply. “It really is. I think I’ve just been… very frustrated lately…”

“And why is that?” 

“There are just too many things.” 

“Like what?” He pouted like he was thinking about what to answer.

“Tsk. Have you ever done something…” he began “Anything, and it felt right to you but everyone around keep telling you that it’s not? And it tears you apart?”

I nodded but I didn’t speak. I didn’t want to interrupt. 

“… And there is just this point where you really don’t know if you are wrong or not because you are the only one going against the others?”

He looked into my eyes and I assumed he wanted me to answer. 

“I think that… it is a very difficult thing,” I replied. “And the easy way would be to just say ‘be yourself’ or ‘go on, no matter what everyone else says’ but…”

“But I just won’t know whether I’m really wrong or not! How am I supposed to know?! That is just like saying that a person who kills people or rapes and thinks it’s right it’s okay,” he jumped in.  
“… You didn’t let me finish,” I said. He calmed down “As I said, it’s easy to just say that. But practically, it’s really hard. However, people who usually go against the river are the ones who bring the critique and change.”

“Huh?”

“Just remember that just because something is common or ‘everyone does it’ it doesn’t mean it’s right or that you are wrong. Whether you make a good choice or not, sometimes only time can tell.”

I had started to swing around. The rusty chains whistled louder.

“Do you believe in those?” he asked me. I could tell he still had self-doubts inside.

“And also, even if you believe you are alone in your opinion sometimes, you have to know that you are not. You simply didn’t find your environment.” I finished. He stared at me. 

“Maybe you are right. I guess I’ll know by myself.” He sighed. There was a tone of disappointment in his voice. 

“You don’t have to bear all by yourself, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Here I felt like a hypocrite. I was practically telling him what I myself wasn’t doing at all. I felt bad about it and about myself, but I knew it was probably the right thing to say.

“That’s one huge deal as well,” he mumbled. “The only one I really trust is Marco but… but I feel like the only thing I do lately is whine to him. I really don’t want that. I’m afraid of losing him.” He admitted so openly and vulnerably that for a moment I had to reflect what he had said.

“You won’t lose him,” I assured, “and again, you are not alone. You have me…” I said, and as I realized it I hurried to add “… and Connie, and Sasha and Eren...”  
“Heh, yeah. You are a great friend,” he smiled lazily. “Sorry about that. It’s just that just like I’m not Eren you are…”

“… not Marco,” I completed. “I know.”

I had no idea how much that sentence burned me inside until it was said. It was obvious of course, I’m not as close to him as Marco is and I’ll probably never be. And that’s okay.

But I wanted to so badly. That’s what was not okay.

He didn’t say more and I didn’t either. 

I wasn’t angry, but I was bothered. It made me angry that I was. Thinking about it, it was the very same with me and Eren, so there wasn’t really a reason to be bothered. I was jealous.

Liking someone is simply stressful.

I kept on swinging. The skies were getting darker but the lights of the street weren’t on yet. It was my favorite moment of the day. I always thought that everything looked beautiful when the sun was set but its light weren’t gone completely. Somehow colors looked brighter then than at day, and everything around looked purple and magical.

“Have you been in a situation like that before?” he asked.

“Where I’ve felt bad about crying to my friends?”

“No. Where you’ve been split between what you believe and what everyone else does.” I smiled at him. He had no idea.

“Of course.” 

“And what did you do?” he kept asking. I wondered what he was on about with all this.

“It depends on the situation,” I said and I expected more questions from him, but he just lowered his head. “This is something Eren would probably say… but I guess that sometimes you’ve got to take the risk.”

“Not everybody is as strong as Eren,” he mumbled.

“I know. I’m not.”

“Then why are you telling me this?” 

“Because it’s still the general truth. Whether we are strong and brave enough to accept it is another thing.” I knew that for myself, but at least he might take it elsewhere. 

“Taking a risk on everything, huh?” he laughed to himself. “Well, speaking of risks, I think we should head back… my folks are so going to kill me.” 

By his change of subject I assumed that he was whether satisfied with my answer or didn’t want to talk more about it.

“I have a better idea,” I said and jumped off the swing. “Follow me.” I guided him towards my house; it was my turn to help him escape his elders. 

I told him to wait at the porch because I had to tell grandpa I was bringing someone home. Usually I would say so in advance so he wouldn’t be surprised, and he also had this weird compulsion to deep-clean the house before a guest comes.

As expected, grandpa wasn’t very happy, but he had to resign himself as I told him that Jean was already here. 

“Sorry for the mess,” I said as he entered.

“What mess? Your house is pretty cool.”

“Thanks,” I smiled “Now let’s call your mom.”  
He was a bit nervous and looked at me with hesitation as he hold up the phone near his ear.

“Take the risk,” I mouthed him without making any sound. He nodded.

Their conversation was a lot calmer and warmer than I imagined. Even if I didn’t understand a word of it. And that made me happy.

“They’re fine with me staying here tonight,” he said very calmly as he hung up. 

“Great! We have the whole night for us!”

At first we had no idea about what to do. I didn’t have video games in my house so we could only watch T.V or one of the rented movies. We ended up playing a card game we found on top of a book as Jean revised my library. Grandpa was mostly in his room and only came out as he went to prepare us dinner. We wanted to help but he said he was fine. We went to eat in my room. 

“So you play the piano?” he asked in between bites as we ate. He had probably seen the covered piano in the salon.

“I used to play once… I don’t think I can play now,” I answered. In fact, I haven’t touched that piano ever since that horrible night. 

“Why?” 

“Long story.”

“We have the whole night.” I could barely understand what he was saying. It would be funny to put him and Eren on the same room and expect them to understand each other’s insults while eating. 

“Nah. I really don’t want to talk about it.” I made a fake laugh to brush it off. 

Jean then said something but I it was so incoherent that I had barely understood a word. 

“You sound like a broken phone line,” I said and frowned. Jean then gasped loudly and I thought he was chocking. “That’s it! Let’s do that!” he coughed as he gulped hard. 

“Do what?”

“Prank calls!” he was still coughing.

“What? No.”

“Come on!”

“No.”

“Come on! Please?”

“Absolutely not.”

About a quarter of an hour later I was standing beside him in front of a book of Yellow Pages as he dialed a number. I have no idea how did it ended like that.

“Alright let’s call Connie. We do it all the time and the idiot falls every time I swear!” he said, punching in a number he seemingly knew by heart. I glued myself to him to hear it from the other side.

“How do you know he is going to answer? Doesn’t he have like two other siblings?” I whispered.

“The phone is next to his room. He is the secretary of the house.”

“Hello?” I heard Connie’s voice answer.

“Hello darling,” he said with such a provocative voice I think it gave me goosebumps. 

“Ummm, who is this?”

“Oh, don’t try to play, honey… you know I like another kind of playing.”

“I-I think you’ve got the wrong number,” I could hear the horror in his voice and I couldn’t repress my smile.

“Nuh-uh! This is the number you gave me, and I’d recognize your sexy voice anywhere…”

“E-ehh…”

“Like from when you were begging me as I was su-”

“LISTEN! I don’t know you who are but-”

“You don’t? Honey, but you kept screaming my name all night long!”I was barely containing my laugher. Jean had such a concentrated face, you could tell he was really into it now.

“I do NO-”

“You really offend me, sunshine. My surname is Maass and my name is Kiz.”

“Listen up, Kiz Ma… ass… oh God…” I gave myself a slap on the forehead. This was so lame and stupid but I still found it funny.

“Did you remember me alre-pffffft” Jean burst out laughing as well. 

“Jean I swear to God you are so going down on Sunday!” Connie didn’t sound as angry as he sounded relieved. Jean cleaned the tears from his eyes and adopted his pose again.

“Oh darling, you mean going down as-” 

“FUCK YOU ALRIGHT BYE!” He hung up. We looked at each other and laughed like the idiots we were.

“See? I told you it was fun! Now’s your turn,” he said handing me the phone.

“Wait what? I don’t think I-I…” We had made about 3 prank calls already but I just wanted to listen. I didn’t know how to improvise nor to make any jokes. 

“Let’s just try it out! I know who you’re going to call!” he cheered as he opened the phone book and went to the last section.

“Who?”

“What do you think of the new director?”

“What?! Are you insane?!” I squealed. I wasn’t messing in all this.

“It’s going to be totally awesome,” he mumbled.

“How do you even know if he lives here?”

“He lives in the big city. Marco and I have already tried this. But he didn’t answer us… this catalog is up to date right?”

“Jean, we are not doing this!”

He stepped closer and took both of my shoulders to face me better. “You said it yourself. Let’s take the risk. We are not backing off now,” he said in complete sincerity. Oh, so now we’re going to take that phrase and make it our motto? Or was he just trying to mock me all along?

“What if he recognizes our voices?” I tried.

“Yeah, you’re right! Out of more than 500 students he will definitely recognize our voices specifically! Why didn’t I consider that?” he exclaimed opening his eyes wide. I sighed.

“Alright,” I resigned. “Let’s do it.”

It was the worst idea ever but for some reason I felt like doing it. Jean told me to make a “refrigerator” joke (where I pretend to be from a company and ask whether the refrigerator is running fine). I decided to use it, as lame as it was, because I had no better idea. 

After a bit of page-flipping we finally found the number. There was only one Erwin Smith in the whole catalog so we assumed it had to be him. I could feel the anxiety running through my veins and I was suddenly very aware of my breathing as I dialed. 

As I heard the beeping on the other side I was praying for him not to answer.

“Yes, Arlert.” 

I hung up immediately and stepped back from the phone as if it were radioactive. Jean looked at me with confusion. 

“How… did he know who I was?” I mumbled more to myself than to Jean.

“What? Are you for real?!”

“He said my surname.”

“But… you didn’t say a word!”

“It also wasn’t him.” The voice I had heard was calmer and less deep than the director’s. It had an intense, stoic tone that battled between annoyance and indifference. 

“Are you sure you dialed the right number?”

“Yes. I am sure.”

“Well this is damn scary.” 

I glanced at the phone. It wasn’t anything special, and if I didn’t even say a word it meant that he either knew my number or he could somehow see me. Since the last option was quite impossible and way too creepy, I decided to go for the first. But how did he know my number? Did he keep the numbers of all of his students?

“I think we should stop for now,” I said still looking at the phone. Jean nodded and re-shelved the Yellow Pages catalogue, and we ran back to my room. 

“Wow. Seriously now, what the fuck?” he hissed, closing the door behind him.

“I have no idea. But we got to find out somehow.”

“Maybe he is your distant relative? I glared at him and he shrugged. 

“What? You do look alike.”

I didn’t think so, but we still proceeded to have about ten different theories about what had happened, each one creepier than the previous. At some point it almost sounded like were inventing scary stories for Halloween.

It really did shake me up, and I feel even weirder about the new director after this.

Jean suggested we should investigate him or stalk him, but I had decided that we should probably leave it there. If he really was into something, it was better to keep our noses out of it before we get in trouble.

“How about taking the risk?” Jean croaked teasingly and I huffed in annoyance.

“Are you going to use that sentence every god damn time to dare me to do something stupid?” 

“I was just joking,” he laughed. Still, it was my turn to use it against him when the opportunity shows up.

We kept talking about it for a while. Somewhere among the lines, the topic changed to school and classes and we slowly drifted apart from the subject. At some point we started arguing about the use of a certain word. Jean tried to reach the encyclopedia from my table and accidentally fell off the bed.

“Hey, what’s this?” he had asked painfully, still lying on the floor. 

“What?” I peeked at him from the bed. There was a brown box in his hands that he had pulled from under my bed.

“Oh. Those are my old notebooks.” I had the habit of keeping scholar notebooks that I considered important. It could be because of important subjects that I thought would help me in new classes or because of good memories and doodles. 

Jean still opened the box, as if not believing my words, and took a look.

“Aww man! I thought it was porn!” I looked at him with disdain.

“Why would I have porn in here?” Jean looked back at me with such an offended expression, one would think I had insulted the living shit out of him.

“What do you mean ‘why’? Because like, all of us do?” 

“Well, I don’t.”

“Why?”

Why indeed. Porn wasn’t that easy to get unless you had a brother or an older friend who could hide some under the coat for you. Although when the other boys started to discover it and bring it with them to show off, some would share or even sell it. But I never picked any. I did find it quite amusing but that’s about it. The female body was interesting, but it didn’t turn me on in the slightest. I think that although the male body would always be my biggest wonder, on porn magazines it was always over covered with big muscles, giant cocks, heavy balls and big nipples. I always felt like I was too small compared to them and it intimidated me. I spent more time discreetly studying how the body of the other boys developed while peeking at them in the changing room. Since I wasn’t growing the same way, it usually made me sad as well. But I still was way more interested and amazed by what I saw around me than an idolized version of it.

I had no reason to have normal porn with me. The porn I did want to see was forever left back in that classroom, surrounded by disgusted and mocking shouting.

“If you are afraid your old man will find out you can hide it at mine!”  
I laughed at that. “It’s fine, thanks.”

“No but really. You don’t have ANY? You DON’T like it?” He looked more shocked with every question.

“I do I just…” What was I supposed to answer?

“Do you want me to bring you some?”

“Alright.” I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, so I decided to go along with it. 

“Cool! Next time we’re at mine then! Is there anything specific you like?” He seemed so excited about it, I felt slightly disturbed.  
“Emmm, not really?”  
“Blondes? Big boobs? Lesbians? Asians?”

“Whatever is fine with me… emmm the big breasts sound sexy,” I hurried to say just so he would stop talking about it, but instead that pushed him further.

“I know! So that’s your type? Heh, nice one!”

“Yeah… you can say so… It’s quite, um, erotic,” I mumbled. 

“You know, I never heard you talking about this stuff,” he climbed the bed again and sat closer to me. I started to feel nervous and it was not only from this awkward conversation.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah I mean, I know you’re no sissy,” he said and I felt my stomach twist at his choice of words. “But you are always silent about it. Like how do you even like girls?” 

That wasn’t a hard question. I’ve heard others speak about it during breaks, PE, class, pretty much everywhere. I knew exactly what they liked to speak about and what they wanted to hear. I used to believe that if I listened to others and tried to see what they saw I would become more “normal”.

“Big breasts. Nice legs.” I answered disinterestedly. 

“Well yeah, we all,” he had an almost shy expression, “but what about her face? Hair? Personality?”

“I like brown hair,” I sincerely did. I didn’t ever hear too many guys say that. “And also blonde hair.”

I always heard boys around say that blondes were stupid and cheap. That they were easy to get and a great “One night bang”. But I didn’t believe so. At first I considered it, because I had hopes of liking girls more in the future, and thus I wouldn’t want a stupid one. But I soon learned to find stupidity between brunettes, gingers and black haired girls as well. Not to mention boys. It was just another rumor both girls and boys would spread around. Another dumb excuse to start gossip. 

“I like straight, black hair,” Jean said dreamily, “and I love it when they have attitude. You know, not the rude ones, but those who are very strong by themselves.”

“Hmmm.” I hated conversations like these. When I had a crush on Eren, it was like listening to him saying “Oh yeah this is what I would like you to be in order to like you but that you will never be.” Although with Eren it was different, since he would mention how much he likes blonde hair and blue eyes and many things that would resemble me. That used to give me a painful false hope and I sincerely don’t know what was worse.

“Say, have you ever kissed anyone?” Jean inquired all of a sudden. 

“No… have you?”

“Yeah…” he lowered his gaze, as if thinking. “But don’t you think it is time for you to?”

“To kiss someone? Why?”

“Because when you have a girlfriend you’ll look like a loser if you don’t know how to kiss?” He had made it sound as if it was obvious. Maybe it was. I felt a bit embarrassed.

“But you can’t practice if you don’t kiss someone on the first place so…” I reasoned shyly.

“Yeah but that’s why you need to start right away! Just to try it out.”

“But I don’t want to kiss someone I don’t like!”

“You can kiss someone you like as well!” His eyes drifted somewhere else and I saw a very small side smirk he tried to hide. I wondered who he was thinking about…

I sighed and smiled, maybe a bit sadly. Everyone was so excited about this. I wanted to be part of it too, but whenever someone talked about it I would feel just awkward and out of place. As if there was an invisible wall that separated between them and myself. I could see what was happening on the other side, but I couldn’t get there.

“I don’t think I want it right now anyway…”

“Why? There’s no way there isn’t someone out there that you like. And I bet there is someone who likes you too.”

“Yeah, I bet I’m every pedophile’s dream,” I spat bitterly. I don’t know what made me say that, but his words weren’t making me feel any better. 

“Why are you like this? You are a great guy.” 

I didn’t respond. What was his deal with me kissing anyone anyway? 

“Alright listen, you can also practice with your own hand,” he said as he realized I wasn’t going to answer.

“That’s gross!”

“It is not!”

“It is!”

“Is not!” He rolled his eyes at me and I made a disgusted face. “I’m sure you’ve licked your hand before, Christ, this is no different.”

“Why in the hell would I do that!” I laughed at how pathetic this was starting to sound.

“So you can learn!” His cheeks were rosy and he looked like he didn’t know what else to say. I bet he didn’t.

“Why don’t YOU teach me?” I joked. Jean’s face turned comically serious.

“What?”

“Instead of telling me to suck on my hand why don’t you just teach me the art of uniting two mouths together, oh great master?” I kept on. 

“What the hell? Who do you thi-”

“What? Not taking the risk anymore? Not even for a friend?” I tried to sound as offended as I could. The face he was making was hilarious but at that moment I understood he was taking it seriously.

“Well I could… I mean…” He was lost for words. I wanted to say that I was just joking but something inside of me was telling me to wait and see what happens next.

“What I’m saying is, I guess I can show you more or less like, poses and stuff? We don’t really emm… I can show you metaphorically I guess...” 

What does that mean? He was cutting every sentence. I felt my guts turn in excitement and nervousness and something heavy and warm was growing inside my chest as he stood up and came to sit right in front of me. 

I sat with my legs crossed in a yoga pose. Jean tried to copy, but then he said it was uncomfortable for our backs and that we need to sit side by side. I obeyed without saying a word and suddenly became very aware of everything surrounding me. As we sat on the bed I realized that I didn’t lock the door and that made me even more anxious, even though I was sure that grandpa was already asleep.

“Alright, turn your face over here,” he said in a thread of voice. I did as he asked. “Now look, when you are about to kiss someone, make sure to have a good angle. So it will be easy for both of you and your noses won’t crush one against the other too much.”

He took my face in both of his hands and turned it to the side. I felt his palms warm and sweaty against my cheeks. “Good. Now your breathing. Make sure it’s light and steady. And the best is to contain it when you can.” He was speaking like he really knew it all. In another occasion I would laugh at him, but at that very moment I couldn't. 

“Not too much tough, nobody wants you to die.” He laughed nervously but I didn't react. His hands were still holding my face close and I felt his warm breath against my chin.

“Most of the time it’s all about moving your lips almost randomly against the other’s. You just coordinate,” he continued and I gave a small nod. “And for when you want to, you know, level up the kiss… well, it’s something you learn more with real practice but…”  
He paused. I was stiff as a rock. We were sitting close, with my face cupped in his hands and my heart beating like mad. When he spoke again, his voice came out almost as a whisper.

“Just remember to not open your mouth too much, be careful with the teeth, get rid of your saliva as much as you can and…”

At that moment I felt his hand twitch against my cheek. I couldn’t tell if it was sweaty because of him or because of the heat my face was releasing. He licked his lips and I watched the whole trajectory his tongue was making until it disappeared again between his lips.

“And…” 

He noticed my staring and his breath suddenly stopped. I wondered just what would happen if I were to close the distance right then. I caught his eyes and slightly leaned in closer. His eyes widened, but his grip grew stronger and his fingers stroked my jaw tightly. He wasn’t leaning in but he wasn’t backing off and that’s all I needed.  
But then fear stroke my guts so strongly that I blinked twice in order to understand where I was sitting and what exactly I was doing.

“I think I get it,” I croaked weakly. He blinked at me like he had just woken up from a day dream. I moved back and he finally let go of my face. He looked like he had no idea about what to do next. I cleared my throat. 

“I think I’m going to get myself a Pepsi. You want some too?” He nodded and I jumped off and ran out of the room. Before going to the kitchen I went to the bathroom and closed the door. 

I felt like crying. At that moment I felt fear of what could all of that mean. Because even if it had happened, what would it make us? We were both old enough to understand what we were doing. Would we just deny it and say that we were just acting silly? That we were just friends and it didn’t mean anything if WE didn’t mean it? For him it was easy because he probably didn’t. But for me… what would it make ME? The fear of what I could feel and what I could do was the one that made me stop. I had to be the mature one between us. I felt uneasy but I had to go back, so I headed to the kitchen, picked two glasses, and bit my lower lip in trepidation.

We spent the rest of the night trying to act as if it really was some joke and nothing serious. Two dumb teens doing dumb stuff because who the fuck cares. Still, it was really hard to look at each other in the eyes. So most of the time we were evading eye contact and talking while not really looking at each other. He liked to ask me to talk about things I found interesting in whatever subject, and it was the most convenient thing to do at that moment. We turned out the lights and kept talking about space and movies and history and French fries until Jean stopped commenting. 

Once again, Jean was faster to fall asleep, while I didn’t sleep most of that night.

There are just no words to explain the terrible need I was feeling. I was on fire. Rolling in a terrible nightmare of desire and emotion. I felt sick, and there was nobody I could talk to about it.

I made up the excuse of feeling really sick the next morning so I could stay in bed most of the day. Jean went back to his house after breakfast and I was really glad to be left alone with my own thoughts.

I didn’t go to Eren’s either.

I’m glad that I can at least write about this here because, sincerely, I feel like I would go insane. But how much will it take before I can talk to someone real? 

Maybe I should try. But who? Mikasa? Eren? Sasha? Grandpa? Someone I’m not very related to? What in the hell should I do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prank calls. Oh the memories.   
> Thank you for reading this 16k bullshit and staying with me. I'll do my best to make the chapters more regular now.  
> The note was from Ilse but It's not intended to be similar to her diary. Although it was one of the main ideas for this story.  
> Did you guys know that my precious beta is writing a 20's au fic? It's called "Business as usual" and it has the most perfect grammar you can find. It's really cool and you should check it out.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm very very very sorry for my absence... Too much stuff happened in life guys...  
> I wonder if someone is still reading this. If you do, enjoy the chapter!  
> As Always, special thanks to my beta Purple Pyro/Romy Mars without whom I'm a lost cause.

Feb 7th 

 

Dear Diary;

 

After lying in bed for two days one would think I’d calm down. Well, I didn’t. Quite the opposite.  
It’s been a week since that night Jean stayed at my house and it’s like something between us has changed completely. It almost feels like we have reached a new level in our friendship, and now we are inseparable. Jean suddenly has more time to spend with me during breaks, he waits for me near the lockers, and he walks into my classrooms and stays with me. I too, gained the confidence to do the same. Nothing wrong there, I told myself. 

But we have also developed a deep need to touch each other whenever we had the opportunity. In fact, it’s like we can’t keep our hands off each other anymore. I noticed this more than anything else because I never knew Jean could be this physical. I was used to Eren being touchy (and he is very touchy), but this was quite new. I guess it’s because I notice his touch ten times more than anyone else’s.  
Whether it’s to ruffle my hair, to give me a side hug, to tug my arm, to put a hand on my shoulder, to lean against me or fix my clothes somehow. 

At those times I thought that maybe it’s not all that bad. I didn’t necessarily need to have a romantic relation with him. If he was going to be this affectionate with me then I was fine like this; having his arm around my shoulders and his face so close to mine while talking nonsense like the best flavor of gummy bears. And he seemed to be alright having me around as well. 

But those thoughts would only last a moment. Something has broken inside of me ever since that evening. If before I was afraid of my own feelings, now that I’ve come to terms with them I am even more anxious about someone finding out. It’s something I’ve always feared, but then I realized that I have to tell ‘somebody’ at some point. I can’t live denying it and lying all the time. I can’t hide forever.  
Time won’t stop for anyone and sooner or later they’ll start making fun of me for being the only loser who still hasn’t kissed a girl. As time passes, questions about relationships, marriage, and family will surely come afloat as well. That seems to be everyone’s favorite topic of conversation when they grew up. What will I answer then?

Both Eren and Mikasa have told me I’ve been spacing out lately. I’ve been having weird trains of thought about myself and what to do. I was so focused on it that I almost forgot that Mikasa’s birthday it’s coming up soon. Sasha was the one who had to remind me.

“Can you believe it? They invited us as well!” she said to me as I joined her, Connie, and some other guys at lunch. Eren and Mikasa weren’t coming to lunch as often for reasons they won’t tell me. Or maybe they did but I wasn’t listening at that moment. 

“What are you talking about?” I inquired. I wondered if I was missing something again. 

“The party that the football team is holding for Mikasa?” she asked exasperatedly. I frowned in confusion and she rolled her eyes. “The party they are holding for her birthday? Duh?”

“They’re doing a party for her birthday?” the realization that I’d forgotten Mikasa’s birthday coming up fell on me like a bucket of ice-cold water and I tried to remember any mention about it from earlier conversations. Vague flashbacks of Eren babbling something about a party were dancing in my head and I bit my lower lip. Eren and I were supposed to go shopping for her present before Christmas Eve and after a month we still haven’t gone. 

“Don’t get so excited Sash, they only invited us because Mikasa said she wouldn’t come if her friends didn’t,” Connie commented and I focused on the conversation again.

“Who cares? It’s still a night out! Plus, think about all the free snacks,” she winked at him.

“When are they planning to do it? Who else is coming?” I asked. I had to check out when our smaller group would go shopping and host our more traditional small party. 

“Next Friday evening, I think,” Sasha mumbled.

What? Mikasa’s birthday was on Monday, so it was only natural to throw a party on the first weekend after. But this specific Friday is…

“Isn’t that Valentine’s Day?” I asked.

“Yep. They decided to throw a big Valentine’s Day party along with it”. 

“Yeah, they want to go big this time,” Connie added.

I didn’t work on Fridays, and if we decide to give her the presents on Monday it would mean that I only had one day to go shopping with Eren. I rushed to his class the very next break. We were a bunch of idiots. He was sitting at his table, frantically copying something from another notebook and swearing under his breath when I asked him.

“Oh, fuck. About that… I kind of forgot to tell you,” Eren said with a guilty voice, finally lifting his eyes off the notebook. I hated that tone. It always meant bad news. “I already bought her a present.”  
“What?!” 

“Yeah I just…” 

“Eren, we were supposed to do it together!” 

“Sorry…” 

I could already feel the anger and anxiety growing up inside of me. Sighing, I rubbed my eyes with two fingers. “What did you buy? When was it?” I asked and made sure to sound as irritated as possible on the second question.  
“New gloves and arm pads. I met with Mina on Sunday and we passed by the-”  
“Wait wait… You and Mina?” I asked and frowned a bit. 

“Yeah. I told you that I met with her.” 

“You did?” I was genuinely confused.  
“Armin. What is going on with you?” He wasn’t as annoyed as he seemed desperate to finish talking. I lowered my eyes and tried to think.  
“I don’t know…” My voice came out as a whisper. If it was true, then just how much had I been spacing out?

“Armin, you-”  
“Sorry, can you just repeat it all… again?” I interrupted him. I didn’t really want to talk about what was happening with me. 

Eren huffed. “We didn’t have practice Sunday so Mina and I decided to meet up, you know, to see what’s going on…” I nodded and he continued. “We just spent an evening together. You know, went to Benny’s, downtown, and passed through some shops. I saw a sports department store, well, thought it’d be a perfect present,” he said while still trying to finish his homework unsuccessfully. “Oh! And I bought her a new scarf. I mean, she hasn’t stop using the same one ever since I gave it to her like seven years ago…” 

“Oh. Okay.” In other words, Eren had already bought the best things I could think of at that moment and I wondered what was left for me.  
“So… you and Mina…” I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head to the side.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know,” he shrugged and blushed a bit. 

I lifted my eyebrows and smiled. “Really now?” I laughed.

“I just really don’t know,” his eyes widened and I figured that he was being serious.

I shrugged as if to say “well, can’t be helped,” but inside my head I was slightly panicking. I didn’t want to deal with Mikasa being sad or angry, nor with Eren’s complete absence nor my own jealousy of my friend. On the other hand I didn’t know what the hell I had expected. And how was I supposed to help Mikasa now? I was already feeling like this was becoming too much for me. I decided I would have time to think it over and grieve about it later. I left Eren to finish copying his homework and rushed to find Jean. Thankfully, it didn’t take long.

“Can you believe these fuckers are doing that party next Friday?” Jean was walking in my direction and waving around his hands as if he was searching for me too. Secretly I was delighted to believe so.  
Every time Jean came around without Marco by his side I felt disgustingly good. I had to scold myself mentally for doing so later, but that still didn’t prevent me of feeling like I had won and that, for once, I was number one.  
“Yes, and that’s why I was looking for you,” I said between breaths. “Also, I can’t go to your house today after school.”  
“What? Why?” he looked completely puzzled, either by my statement or because he didn’t see the connection between what he had said and what I had. 

“I need to go shopping. I only have today.”  
“Shopping for what?”

“For…” I gritted my teeth a little. “Mikasa’s present.” I hated to say it in such a fashion that it made it look like I had procrastinated until the last moment. Even if I had. I liked to think and do things ahead of time, and people usually see me as the responsible one anyway. To face someone and admit the truth was embarrassing and made me feel guilty.  
“Well, let’s go together!” He beamed then.  
I stared at him in disbelief. “Ehh… What? For real?” 

“Yeah! I have to buy her something too you know,” he said. I stared at him. Since when did he start buying Mikasa presents? “Besides,” he started then, his voice quieter. “There’s something we need… I need to talk about. With you.”  
“What is it?” 

“Not here,” he said frowning and looking to his left, as if checking out if someone else was listening. It looked a little silly. “Look, I’ll wait for you near the school entrance stairs. Sounds good?”  
I hesitated. “… Fine.”

“Cool. By the way did you hear about the student council planning on…” He didn’t give me a chance to protest. He was so fast to change the course of the conversation that it caught me off-guard. I don’t think I paid attention to most of it, and I just hoped he didn’t want me to answer any questions with anything else than a nod or a hum until the bell rang.  
I spent the rest of class thinking about what he had said. What if it was about last week? Jean had always been a direct person, so maybe he wanted to talk it out? It’s not like we had done anything, because in the practical sense, we really didn’t. But we could have, or more accurately I could have, and the fact that we were almost there is undeniable. Yet this was for Jean to decide. My intentions and feelings are clear to myself, but Jean… I had no idea whether something like that would be just an act of friendly affection or heat of a moment or awkward hormonal impulse. I had no idea what he thought about it at all.  
One would think I should know this stuff because I’m a guy, and it’s not like I don’t hang out with other guys. But I just really don’t. I was always careful to not to be too obvious, so I had to restrain myself to minimal contact and closeness. Eren and even Connie were another story because we were used to clinging to one another ever since we were kids. I calmed myself down by thinking that I could always play straight myself. The true question is, whether everything I do will resume to that.  
Once class was over, I went outside to meet with Jean. We agreed to meet at the bus stop in front of the school after we passed by our houses. I had completely forgotten that I don’t have much money on me. Neither did I tell Grandpa I’d be away. For Jean it was probably the same. Besides, as much as he loves his motorcycle and showing it off, I knew he would probably feel uncomfortable if he had to ask his parents for money or gasoline all the time.  
I left Grandpa a note on the table and took off. Last time I did it Grandpa was annoyed with me, but I hoped it would be okay. Jean was already waiting for me when I arrived at the bus stop, but he didn’t notice me at first. He had his earbuds in and I caught a glimpse of a nostalgic expression when I approached him.  
“The bus should arrive soon,” he commented as he wrapped the headphones around his walkman and stashed it in his backpack. There was a purple cassette inside that I remembered seeing on his desk the night I stayed at his house. “It hasn’t passed here yet.”

“Okay.” I sat down on the bench beside him and silently gazed at my feet. It’s quite strange to say I was excited to spend the day with Jean, but at the same time I felt like shutting the world off for a few months. Too many thoughts were invading my mind at once, and I was starting to feel like I don’t want to deal with any of them anymore. Jean was oddly quiet by my side, only messing with the edges of his jacket. I could easily tell he was restless, but he remained silent. In fact, we didn’t exchange a word until the bus arrived.

We sat on the last seats on the back, and I was quick to steal the window, grinning contentedly at Jean who rolled eyes at me. “Do you have any idea of what could be a good present?” he asked finally when the bus started moving.  
Remembering past birthdays made my mood lift a bit. I wasn’t sure what could be the best gift for Mikasa, but I surely knew what to NOT give her. There was nothing as funny and yet tragic as watching her open presents given to her by people who apparently didn’t know her well enough. People usually say that choosing a present for a growing up boy is difficult and that it’s easier for girls. I eventually understood that it was just this weird “code” to give a girl beauty supplies. Aromatic soap or oil, makeup, lotions, and creams. Lots and lots of lotions and creams. Body lotions, hand creams, foot creams, face creams, night creams, day creams, after-shower lotions, face masks, washing creams, with 20 minerals, with 10 vitamins, with jojoba oil, with coconut extract, with aloe... A never-ending list of ingredients and scents and effects, all packed up in a boxset of at least three with a lacy ribbon or a matching small purse.  
It’s not like Mikasa never used them. She just didn’t use them often. She always complained about how her body and hands felt gooey when she worked out after putting on any of them. And there they stood, collecting dust on lonely shelves in her room. At some point Eren and I ended up trying them out too. I think it started out with a joke or a bet, but I don’t remember well. Only the three of us knew about this, obviously, and Eren made us swear on all our ring pops that we would never tell anyone that he likes to put on lavender lotion after he showers. So when I told this story to Jean I made sure to say that I was the only one who did it.  
“God, you are such a… is that why you always smell of vanilla?” 

“I… what?” 

“Is that why you always smell like vanilla,” he repeated and I blinked at him. I sure wasn’t expecting the question and I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I had never even tried vanilla-scented stuff.  
“I suppose,” I mumbled after a while. The question inside my mind was left hanging. It was weird but I felt somewhat happy. Smelling nice can never be negative. Although I believe most of the guys from school would argue with me about it since apparently being smelly and gross was quite manly.  
“Fine, so beauty stuff is out of question. Let’s think about what else we can get,” he reasoned “Mikasa is an extremely-”  
“Maybe we should get to the shops and then see if something gives us an idea?” I interrupted and looked outside the window, clenching my fists tightly in my lap. No, I wouldn’t listen to that again, at least not today. Anyone could bring Mikasa into a conversation and I would blissfully listen and contribute to how amazing she is. Sometimes jealousy would strike and I would end up somehow comparing myself to her. It was easy to see what a perfect human she is and what a loser I was in contrast. I try my best to let it go, but it’s another story when it comes to Jean and I try to avoid it anytime I can.

“… Right… uh-”

“Where do you think we should go first? The mall or on main street?” I asked with my head still turned to the window as far as possible. I had started to breathe on the glass to make it foggy and drew happy and sad faces on it before it disappeared. 

“I don’t know? Um...” he shook his head, thinking. “Will we have time to check both?” 

“I don’t know…” I didn’t say so because of lack of time, but because I had started to notice the sky darken the closer we were getting. I didn’t check the weather on TV before leaving and we were certainly not prepared for rain. Jean was throwing side looks at me but I kept staring through the window as if the blurry scenery was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen. 

We eventually decided to get down on the Main Street, but after visiting a few shops and viewing showcases we fell silent and sat on a bench to eat sandwiches. I can’t really explain why I was feeling so angry with Jean, nor why I was angry in general. I sat there glaring at my sandwich without taking a single bite. Some kids nearby were arguing loudly about the correct pronunciation of “tomato” and even that was pissing me off. 

“You didn’t really want me to come, did you?” The sudden question left me speechless for a second and I turned to face Jean with my jaw dropped.  
“What? Where did that come from?” He didn’t respond, waiting for me to answer the question. After a few moments he rested his elbows on his knees.  
“I was going to ask you for help at first… then you said you needed to get a gift yourself and I saw it as a great opportunity…” he mumbled. “I just really don’t know what to get her and you are the perfect person to ask since you’re her best friend.” Somehow, his reasoning made me even sadder.

“Jean,” I said finally, “of course I wanted you to come.” I think my voice came out softer than I planned. “For real…”

“Then what are you sulking about?”

“I’m not…” Jean raised his eyebrows and I turned my gaze back to my sandwich. A piece of ham was sticking out the side, and I removed it before carefully starting to nibble the bread first, doing my best to ignore how he watched each movement.

“Is it Eren? Mikasa?” he asked then. I sighed, strangely annoyed. 

“No.” 

“Connie? Chad?” I paused to think at that.

“Who’s Chad?” I frowned, my brows drawn together.

“The idiot that sits in front of us in Chemistry. Won’t stop and bumping his chair into our table and whining about someone stealing his markers.”  
“Ah. That Chad.”

“What a pissbaby, seriously.” 

I couldn’t contain a small sneer that escaped my mouth but I calmed down immediately and adopted a serious expression again. After about two minutes of silence, he spoke again.

“Did I do something wrong then?”

I shook my head no. If there was someone at fault here it was me.  
I had no idea what was going on. I was moody and angry and sad, but most of all, I felt tired. And I really, really don’t know why. I felt a sudden urge to cry and took a deep breath, blinking a few times.

“I’m just worried that we are not finding anything,” I lied instead. “And I’m sad that I’m not having many ideas because I barely see Mikasa with all her training and my work and school and… everything.” This had a little more truth. I did feel bad for that too, but it was a lie to say that was why I didn’t have any ideas. If anyone knew Mikasa well, it was me. The reason I wasn’t concentrating was because I was acting like a prick. Or how Jean had nicely described it, a “pissbaby”. 

“Hey listen, we’ll find something great, you’ll see!” he beamed. “Don’t get discouraged.” 

I nodded. I was beginning to get an idea of what to buy her, but going around a bit wouldn’t hurt even if the weather didn’t seem very promising. 

“Let’s go, we won’t find anything just sitting here.” Jean finished gnawing his sandwich and threw the paper on the floor.

“Jean.” He rolled his eyes at me, so I picked it up myself and threw it in the bin. Heading deeper into the streets, the stores were turning more and more odd. We got distracted by the flashing lights of Blockbuster and ended up going inside to check what new movies were in stock. There were multiple “everything for one dollar” stores full of useless crap that we still bought five of. Most were fashion boutiques or cafes, with a few electronic stores, toy stores, pharmacies, and a library. In simpler words nothing useful. 

We eventually stopped at a music store. Jean disappeared to the back where they displayed guitars while I stayed near the entrance and looked at the store around. Huge posters were plastered all over the walls. I faintly remembered coming here once or twice before, but since I usually went straight to the cassette shelves I hadn’t paid much attention to the rest of the shop. The long haired guy at the counter hardly noticed us. He was reading some magazine and seemed bored to death by it, scratching his unshaved chin as he flipped through the pages.

I went to look at shirts and try to stay closer to Jean, who was eagerly inspecting a red pointy electric guitar and whispering something about a “shiny baby.” Almost all of the shirts were large and black with the logos of bands I’d never heard of or pictures of blood, zombies, pentagrams, and swords. 

“Hey Armin, check this out!” Jean yelled to me as he sat down with a guitar on a too-narrow chair. He pressed a button on a small amplifier beside him that immediately began screeching. “Shit no wait it’s not tuned yet fuck” he rattled off, trying to fix it.

“Is that allowed…?” I asked quietly as I looked over my shoulder at the man by the counter.

“Yes, of course! It’s not my first time here, you know,” he replied as if offended. I shrugged and focused my attention on the shirts again. As I sifted through them, one caught my eye and I smiled. 

“Hey Jea-”

“Okay! Now listen!” He strummed out a tune that sounded familiar. Wait, of course it was, Jean had played it to me at least 5 times at his house. 

“…’Smoke on the Water?’” I asked. He winked and nodded, then switched to something different. “I found something really nice over here.” 

“What is it?”

I took the shirt off the rack and came closer to show it to Jean. It had a caricature of the periodic elements iron, lead, and zinc holding guitars, captioned “I love Heavy Metals.”

“It’s perfect for you!” he chirped.

“Me? No, it’s perfect for you!” 

“We need to get it for you!” 

“I don’t even listen to heavy metal!”

“We are so getting this.” Jean stood and put the guitar back on its stand before taking the shirt from my hands. 

“Wait no-”

“It’s a medium. Is this fine or do you prefer small?” 

“Jean! We are here to get a present for Mikasa not for me!”

“Fine! I’ll get the medium for me and the small for you!” 

“Are you even listening?!” 

“Hey, a small treat won’t kill you, okay? It will be like a memoir between you and me,” I huffed in annoyance, but I did find it somewhat sweet. “Only you and I will get it. It’s like sharing a secret.”

I gazed at the shirt and then back at Jean. “Okay, fine.” The chemistry project was what made us closer after all, and thanks to it I was able to go to the Cherry Bomb and hang out with Jean more than I ever expected to. 

There were no small sizes on the hangers so the long haired guy had to go to the basement to get me one. 

“You better wear it to school,” I commented.

“You better wear it to the Cherry Bomb.”

“If I do, will you wear it to school?”

“No fucking way.”

I tilted my head to the side to look at him. He imitated me mockingly.

“Okay. Maybe once. Maybe,” he said then. “And you’ll have to wear  
it to my wedding.” 

“Then you’ll have to wear it every time you hit on a girl.”

“Then I’ll never get laid.” 

“And there won’t be a wedding. I win double round.” 

Jean frowned as if thinking it through. “Well then fuck you!” 

I wanted to say “that is the plan” but contained myself and grinned stupidly.

After we bought the shirts and exited the store, I spoke again. “At least, let’s make it a deal to never discard them.” 

“No matter how old we get,” he added.

“And if one gets wrecked, so does the other.”

“Meaning?”

“If something happens to one then the other will have to be damaged the same way,” I explained “And we can’t throw them away.” 

“Oh. Fine with me,” he shrugged “This is quite a big deal for just a shirt, don’t you think?” 

Oh, but I know I’m going to treasure this shirt. Maybe one day it will bring no more than bitter memories and melancholy, just like all those cassettes and clothes left by mom and dad, or those yellowed, dust-covered piano notes Nac left. But I’ll have time to think about it once I get there, and as for now, it will hold the memory of that time I fell in love with a “not that assholey asshole.” 

I don’t think I’m in love though. I have a crush on Jean, and I sure am driven by his looks. I’ve started to wear bigger sweaters and looser pants because ever since Jean has become more and more touchy he would either get too close or whisper something and I would get hard. More than once I’ve had to run to the bathroom to take care of it. At first I was embarrassed to no end but soon enough I saw other guys doing the same. It was always a pain though, because the school bathroom was very dirty and after hearing stories from other guys I was always scared I’d get some weird infection. Each time my member itched more than usual I would get nervous and thought that I probably caught something weird. It’s not exactly our fault. All the guys are getting sensitive and every little touch arouses us. Once I even saw a guy try to masturbate in class, but let’s just leave that traumatic experience out of here. 

Thinking about it, Jean has a unique charm. I can’t be the only one noticing it. He isn’t too popular, but I feel like he could be if he wanted to. Sometimes I look at him and wonder why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Not like I want that to change. If he gets one then it’ll be just like when Eren and Mina were together right? He won’t have time for me anymore. Is that why I get so upset when he starts talking about Mikasa?

We bought the shirts and exited when I heard Jean yell. “You’ve got to be fucking shitting me! Is it really going to rain?” Singular drops of rain were starting to dot the sidewalks and the air smelled thick with humidity. It seemed we wouldn’t get through all the stores after all.

“We better hurry!” I said, jogging from away from the music store. Jean followed.

“Hurry where? We have no idea where to go!”

“I have an idea, just follow me.”

We didn’t make it to the store I had in mind before it started to pour. We turned and ran to the closest building around and hunched below the canopy at the entrance. I felt the drops running through my hair and tickling my cheeks as I breathed into my hands to heat them. The rain was getting heavier every second.

“The library? Really? This is what you had in mind?” Jean said, his breath fogging. I turned around to look at the place we'd stopped. I knew this library was somewhere around here but since I didn’t visit that often anymore, I didn’t recognize it at first. 

This library used to be my favorite years ago. It hadn’t changed much; the paint of the outside walls was chipping off and through the glass door I could see some shelves had been moved. But that was about it. 

“Oh… this place…” It’s not like I’d been avoiding it. I did come here several times after that whole manga book fiasco, but it didn’t have the same feeling anymore. I felt filthy walking inside because the first thing it brought to my mind was “here is where I bought that” and “this was the last place I visited with mom.” 

I didn’t say anything else, simply walking past Jean and pushing open the doors. He followed right behind.

“Is there some book she wanted?” he asked.

“No. I wanted to get to the sports shop at the end of the street,” I replied calmly. 

“We could have made it there running, now hell knows when this rain will stop.”

“If it doesn’t stop before long, we’ll have to run through it.” Outside it stormed like the sky was falling but I felt strangely calm. “For now let’s just stay here and wait.”

In contrast to the freezing cold outside, the inside of the library was as warm and cozy as I remembered. Since the building was quite big, the reading section was on the second floor, away from the noisier first floor that served more as a shop. There weren’t many people around. A pair of young adults were sitting wrapped in blankets surrounded by a pile of books and wearing concentrated, almost painful expressions. They looked like college students. Some old lady was checking the romance section, and about three more people were wandering through the shelves. That was about it. 

“I haven’t been here in a while,” Jean commented loudly and was immediately shushed by one of the guys. 

“I thought you didn’t like to read,” I whispered. We made our way to sit at one of the tables near the window. 

“Not really,” he whispered, “but I used to borrow books for school here. The library of our town didn’t have them all, you know.” 

“Oh. Yeah, I know.” Our town’s library was quite small and insignificant after all.

“They took away my card though.”

“Really? Why?”

Apparently his card was banned because Jean made too many drawings in the books he borrowed. I didn’t believe him at first because I thought that it was only natural to write here and there in those books. They were for school after all. Jean then insisted in showing me, so we went to the scholar books section to see if there were any left of those he used.  
We found only one, an old, torn biology textbook from seventh grade. The colors of the cover were faded and the edges were curved, but the insides seemed more or less fine until I took a closer look. The first and last pages were covered in doodles of horses and birds and exaggerated, un-proportional version of some teachers. Flowers, leaves, failed attempts of stars, skulls, band logos, eyes, spiral patterns and Bugs Bunny were there as well. There was a lot written in the margins too, mainly correct answers and comments like “I’m bored,” “who the shit cares about these,” “I spy a boobie” and some stuff in French. I spotted a “Connie was here losers” and even a quite cute drawing of Marco. I stared at his smiling freckled face, which beamed back with a wide smile, and I slowly realized just how well drawn it was. 

“Wow, this is…” I was honestly stunned “Why didn’t you ever tell me you can draw like this?”

He shrugged as if it were nothing important. His smug smile however told me he was quite enjoying the praise.  
“I don’t draw anymore.” He was looking at the book with certain nostalgia. 

“Why?”

“I didn’t have time on my own,” he said, “and dad didn’t want me to take art in school because it’s the same period as chemistry. You know how they feel about that…” 

“But… that would be such a waste of talent…” 

“I doubt it… I’m not that good, and what could I possibly achieve with art?” 

“What could you possibly achieve with chemistry?” I countered exasperatedly and someone hushed me angrily. Jean sighed.

“No, really, I want to know,” I whispered this time.

“Well, yes! It’s a more acknowledged subject than art.”

“In what and where? You don’t even know what you want to be!” 

“I know I want to have lots of money without working too much,” he whispered, grabbing the book from my hands and holding it over my head. “And I doubt my art skills are going to get me there.”

“Have you even looked at this? You could do so many things!” I grabbed his wrists to keep him close.

“Are we really going anywhere with this? Because I can’t change it anyway,” he raised his voice a little and was shushed again. “Shh yourself!” he spat back. 

I pulled him down to his knees on the ground to hide. “What are you doing!” I whispered, irritated.

“He was being fucking annoying!” At least he whispered this time.

“We’re in a library! We’re supposed to be quiet!”

“Like I care!” 

I sighed and pushed him so he landed on the floor on his ass with a loud “Ow!” I sat down myself with my legs crossed and took the book in my hands again.

“You could at least draw at home or something,” I whispered. I knew he had a point, and I understood it completely. But I was also enjoying the doodles too much and was sort of hoping for more.

“I don’t have time for that, I have to exercise and practice guitar,” he whispered back with a huff and imitated my pose.

I flipped through the pages to find Marco’s drawing. There was something so endearing about it, how you could almost see his eyes shine. It’s almost as if Jean had made him prettier than he was.

An idea struck me just as fiercely as the thunder outside, and my eyes widened excitedly.

“… What’s with that expression?”

“Jean! I have an Idea!” I exclaimed as loud as a whisper could be. “Why don’t you draw Mikasa a portrait?” 

Jean stared at me dumbfounded. “What?”

“For her birthday!” I said. “Draw her portrait. She’ll love it!”

“I don’t have her photograph.”

“I can lend you one, easy.”

“But… weren’t we going to get her a present today… wait, what did you even have in mind?”

There was one gift dancing around in my head ever since I exited school, and although I would probably have even more ideas by the time we made it to the sports store, I had a feeling we would probably decide on this one.  
“Dumbbells.”

“Oh,” he blinked before laughing. “Yes. Yeah, haha, of course.”

“Are you going to do it?” 

He hesitated for a moment. I noted a slight blush starting to appear in his cheeks and nose. 

“Is she really going to like it?”

“Absolutely,” I assured. 

He bit his lower lip. “I’ll do it then,” he beamed and I think my heart sank a little. “But what about the dumbbells?” 

“We’ll get them too. It will be a gift from both of us,” my leg was starting to fall asleep so I stood up and shook it. It was too late though. “I’ll get her a book as well.”

Jean pulled himself from the floor and followed me as I started to look through the shelves. A more personal gift is always the best option. I loved books, and if I find one on something she likes, it would be like connecting something special of mine and hers. Same goes for Jean.  
There was a bitter taste in my mouth I couldn’t quite get rid of ever since the beginning of the day, and as soon as Jean asked about it on that bench, I felt like I’d have to sugar coat my thoughts to make it taste better. I couldn’t grasp it just yet. 

I found a book about the 101 correct ways to tone and stretch your muscles and I decided it was the winner. We found many weird books on the shelves, and there were many new shelves on both the second and the first floor. We went to check the comic section and I felt my muscles stiffen as I spotted the manga shelves. I decided not to look at them at all and instead changed direction. Jean didn’t seem to mind at all; he just followed me around with a vague look in his eyes as if he was counting the spider webs. 

We stayed at the library for about an hour. After we were done searching we sat at the table near the window. I wanted to go and look for more books, but I wouldn’t have enough money and I left my old library card at home. Jean was telling me the stories behind each drawing in that science book while I made races between the raindrops sliding down the windowpane. 

When we saw that the rain was weak enough, we raced to the end of the street like there was no tomorrow. I started to fall behind Jean quickly so he took my wrist and dragged me. I tried to protest but he was too busy running into people with umbrellas to listen. I think I heard someone screaming “savages!” at us, but Jean didn’t seem to care. 

Everybody in the sports shop turned to look at us as we stormed inside, panting, dripping, and holding onto our bags as if we had stolen them. I think the staff thought so as well, because the assistant kept walking around us and asking whether we needed help until Jean snapped and told him to stop stalking us. It seemed a little mean, but I didn’t find the boy walking on our ankles very nice either, so I just turned around and started looking. Of course, Jean spent about half the time showing off how strong he was by lifting all the weights and dumbbells and inviting me to as well.

“You know, you just need to work out a bit more!” he said. I ignored it.

We decided to go for two small dumbbells of three kg each. I paid for one and Jean for the other. It was the first time I made use of the money I earned from work, and I was feeling quite content with myself. 

“Say, are you coming to my place after this?” Jean asked suddenly while we were waiting for the cashier to gift wrap the dumbbells. I gave it a thought. It was already evening, and the rain had probably reached town. Though there was really no point in going, I really wanted to come anyway. 

“I guess I’ll pass this time. It’s already getting da-”

“You can stay over,” he interrupted me. “We can pull the extra bed from the basement and you can just bring your stuff.”

“Uhhhh…”

“I’ve got something to show you,” he continued, “so you’ve totally got to come. Please?”

I wondered for moment if this had anything to do with what he said he wanted to tell me at school this morning, because after all this time he hadn’t even mentioned it once. Either that or I missed it somehow, which I doubt. 

“Let’s get home first and then we’ll see,” I replied. I wanted to go. Of course I wanted to. Last time I wanted to die but that wouldn’t stop me from going. And then I’d probably from wanting to die again. I felt excited all over. 

We asked the cashier for plastic bags to wrap our purchases in, seeing as the rain didn’t look like it was stopping yet. There was no way I was staying in that store longer than I needed to, and besides we didn’t really have all evening to be there. 

“Alright, you ready?” Jean asked cockily as we stood under the small roof at the gate of the store. Now that the downpour was less intense there were more people walking on the sidewalks, covering themselves unsuccessfully with umbrellas and hoods. I took a deep breath loudly and extended my arm. 

“Don’t be hasty,” I mumbled. I have no idea if he had heard it over the sound of the rain and the cars, but he took my wrist gentler than last time, and with a tug we started to sprint in direction of the bus stop. My cheeks felt cold as the rain hit my face and the drops falling on my hair were sliding annoyingly down my nape. Whenever I stepped in a puddle, my shoes would get soaked and I could feel it making a squishy, disgusting noise. I realized too late it would have been a good idea if I had put plastic bags on my shoes as well. I kept getting hit by other people as we ran, but Jean was taking twice as many blows. I wondered why he never joined the football team if he could hold his ground against quite a bunch of blocks like this. 

I laughed as I thought that he could push me to the floor anytime and I wouldn’t protest at all, but maybe I jinxed it because a sudden violent tug of my wrist pulled me to the ground. I tripped on top of Jean, breaking the fall with my hand.

“Arghhh, fuck, fuck!!” Jean hissed beneath me and I quickly moved to stand. Few people were gathering around us asking if we were okay. Jean stood up quickly and nodded, then he looked at me and extended his arm again. This time he didn’t grab my wrist but my hand, and continued running as if nothing had happened. As we reached the bus stop I was quite out of breath. Jean laughed about our things being fine and that I’ll get the hang of it eventually, then his expression shifted into complete horror the very next second.

“You’re bleeding!” he yelled and I followed his eyes to see what he was talking about. My left hand had been bruised and thick drops of blood were seeping out from beneath the mud caking my palm. 

“Oh.”

“How do you just not notice that!” 

I didn’t know how to answer without making it sound bad or too casual. But truth is, I did notice. It hurt, but I decided to not think too much into it. It’s not that I was used to pain already, because I wasn’t, but it wasn’t unusual. If I dwelled on it, I wouldn’t even have been able to stand up that night I was beat up. At some moment you just… let go, and keep moving. 

“It’s alright, it’s no big deal,” I brushed off and put my hand up to the rain to wash it off a bit. The blood was already dripping and together with the rain and mud it formed a filthy reddish color in a puddle. I though it looked really ugly. Thankfully the bus arrived just as the blood stopped coming out of the wound.

The ride home was slightly noisier. The bus was filled with people trying to escape the rain and the odor of humidity and mud was all around. Jean hadn’t said anything else about my hand but he was giving it a look now and then. 

“Well that was annoying,” he commented, “But at least we got the present.” I hummed in approval. I was still feeling strangely tired and Jean’s arm was so warm against mine that it was making me sleepy. I don’t remember falling asleep, I just know I closed my eyes for what seemed like one minute before Jean shook me awake as we approached town.

It had clearly been raining in our small town earlier but had already stopped, for which we cheered blissfully. As we were about to part ways, Jean said he’d call in about an hour to ask whether I would come over so he had time to pull the bed out of the basement. Then, after visibly hesitating for about two seconds, he came closer and hugged me. Just plain hugged me.

I blinked for a moment. This was the first time Jean hugged me this directly. The only time I saw him hugging someone was Sasha, to wish her a happy birthday, and Marco. His embrace was tight but his hands were shaking. Was it because of the cold or because he was nervous? I know I was. I had forgotten momentarily that I had to hug back so when I did I sure looked like an idiot.

It was already dark and I could barely see Jean’s face under the last light of dusk when we let go. Then he just silently turned around and walked away, almost jogging, without looking back. I stood there for about two more minutes, watching him retreat, before resolving to head back home. 

“Well that was dumb,” I whispered to myself. What was the deal all of a sudden? It was obvious though. 

As I arrived home, Grandpa was furious. I had completely forgotten about picking up his medicine from the pharmacy and the fact that I ran off so freely to God knows where for so long wasn’t making it any better. I tried to explain myself but it was useless. Sometimes you can’t explain something to an angry adult because they think that no matter how right you are you should feel wrong. It’s best to just admit that you deserve it and let them cool down because otherwise you’ll just making it worse for yourself. 

This time however, I was in the wrong. I just had a reason too, but it didn’t matter and I didn’t bother arguing any further. I could tell by Grandpa’s tone that I’d better not bother him until morning, meaning that I couldn’t possibly even think of asking about going to Jean’s house at this hour.

“That sucks,” was all I could hear Jean say through the phone when I tried to explain. I was speaking as quietly as possible so Grandpa wouldn’t hear what I was talking about. Whenever I talk on the phone with him nearby I have to go through an interrogation of what, who, why, where and why did it take me so long if that’s just it

“Can you stay up late tonight then?” Jean croaked out of a sudden. There were strange noises on the other side of the line. 

“Huh? Why?” 

“Can you?” 

“I don’t know, why?” 

“…” 

What could he possibly have in mind now? Did he want me to stay so we could talk all night like we did in New Year’s? 

“Just try to stay awake. Please,” then he murmured a quick “bye” and hung up.  
I hated this new behavior of his, not telling me anything at all and keeping me in the dark to find out myself. I mean, it’s not like I’m interrogating him I just asked basic questions. Was it ‘that’ hard to answer? Still pouting, I went back to the kitchen to finish washing the dishes. I tried to rush a bit so I could go back to my room as quickly as possible and avoid getting wrinkly fingers and soap into the wound. Instead I ended up clashing the plates together noisily.

“Was that Eren?” I heard grandpa ask from behind.

“No, it was Jean...” 

“Oh… What did he want?” 

“Ahh... I knew this was coming,” I said to myself mentally. I wondered whether he knew who I was talking about at all. He knew Eren and Mikasa well because they visited often and we used to go to the Jeager house for holidays. As for my other friends, he probably only knew them by face, and I doubt he remembered anything else about them.

“Nothing, just asking about Mikasa’s present. Her birthday is on Monday.” 

“Yes, I remember. What did you get her this year?” 

“A book about the best ways to stretch muscles” I replied vaguely. I decided not to say anything about the dumbbells so I wouldn’t get any weird questions. Grandpa was a man, and men would talk more about boys, where they thought they had more experience and more ground on ‘how to become a man’. Still, the less information the better, I decided. 

Grandpa just nodded. “Eren and Mikasa… they are coming less often lately,” he mentioned, waiting for me to answer. 

“They’re busy with school, and I’m busy with work…” I resolved, wiping the plates and placing them on the shelves. “Eren has a girlfriend now.” 

“Is that so?” he seemed to think about it. “Isn’t he too young for that?” 

I wanted to ask “weren’t you 20 when you got married?” but kept my mouth closed. Instead I just shrugged. Grandpa was silent for a moment, probably mulling over what I had just told him.

“Well, what about you?” he asked then.

“Me?” I wringed the towel out as I turned to him.

“I reckon you are getting into all this as well now, aren’t you?” 

“Well…”

“I know. The other boys are starting to do it as well, and you can’t just let yourself be different. Times are like this now,” he said. I felt like he was about to give me some lecture I really didn’t want to hear, but Grandpa just smiled. “You know Armin, when I was a boy your age, I used to be quite mischievous myself. Maybe another time I’ll tell you how I proposed to your grandmother. May she rest in peace…” he paused for a moment, and I kept looking at him somberly. “I’ll just tell you this, son: don’t do anything stupid to try to impress a young woman.” 

“I won’t,” I replied softly. “Promise.” 

“Is there any girl you’ve set your eyes on yet, son?” I shook my head. “How come?”

“No, I… I don’t really like the girls at school,” I answered sheepishly. I tried to move around to indicate I was headed back to my room to avoid any further questions. Grandpa seemed to understand, but when I reached for the stairs he made one last comment with a smile.

“I see. You’re just like your father then. Don’t worry Armin, it’ll come to you eventually. Even if other boys tell you otherwise just remember that it all comes at the right time.” 

I mumbled a weak “okay” and headed upstairs. It didn’t make me feel any better.

Maybe Grandpa was right. I wanted badly to believe so. I wanted to wake up and realize that I’m in love with some nice girl. I wanted to practice my pick-up lines in the mirror for when I meet her at school and fail miserably even after rehearsing. Then I’d ask her to prom and Connie would push me against her when we’re dancing and Eren would sit around and we’d exchange relationship advice and Sasha and Mikasa could pick out my outfits for dates. And Jean… and Jean would come to me and tell me that he’s sorry but he’s not a girl and all this fantasy would just go straight to the hell where I belong. 

I don’t know how much time I spent laying there staring at the ceiling light, moving my eyes to the side to see the shadows blur my vision every now and then. Then I had the sudden urge to organize my room. I found a sticker of the A-Teens lying around and tried to remember where I got it from.  
There was homework I hadn’t even started on so I forced myself to sit down and do it. I think I finished about one third of it before deciding it was too much and resolving back to the cycle of watching the ceiling light from my bed. 

I was slowly closing my eyes with the lights still on when something in my room fell over and made my eyelids jump open. I stood up lazily to put back whatever it was that fell down and shut off the light, however everything seemed to be in place. Weird. The window was left open to let the fresh after-rain breeze in, so maybe it was something outside? But I was sure I heard it in my room. Maybe I had imagined it? Like those times I was dreaming but yet not really sleeping. But then, when I made my way to shut the window, a rock came flying and hit me right in the head, knocking me down to the floor.

“Ack!” was all I could articulate in between the sharp pain and the warm tears creeping out unwillingly in the corners of my yes. I stood up again and looked out the window to see Jean standing outside. Just what was he thinking!

“Are you damn insane?! What are you doing here!” I tried not to be too loud; I was sure Grandpa was already asleep. Jean was slightly taken aback by my anger and hesitated for a while. I touched my forehead to see if there was blood coming out, but it was just a shallow wound. “You hit me!” 

Jean seemed to return to himself and started laughing. 

“It’s not funny!” 

“Can you come down?” he said finally. 

“No!”

“Come on! Please!”

“It’s past midnight!” I wasn’t exactly sure it was but it wasn’t like Jean carried a watch anyway.

“I know! But look, I’m outside!” 

“Good for you!” 

“I want to show you something.” Only then I noticed he was carrying his backpack. 

“Can’t you show me in the morning?”

“No, it needs to be now” 

“You’re crazy!”

“Come on!”

I stared at him for a minute longer. I’d feel bad if I left him like this and went to sleep when he had already come all the way here. Great, yet another thing Jean was dragging me into. I took a deep breath through my nose and sighed, all to gesture that I was not into this idea at all. “Hold up,” I mumbled and turned to face my room again. I opened the door just enough to peek into the hallway to check if the lights were on. They weren’t, which meant Grandpa was asleep. I hurried to grab my jacket, put on shoes and take a flashlight from the drawer. I also took the pepper gas with me. Our small town was very quiet but better safe than sorry. The stairs always make noise when you step on them, so I had to tiptoe like an amateur ballerina in order to not to make too much noise. I’ve memorized the steps that squeak the most, so I jumped around and prayed I wouldn’t trip and break my leg. Or worse, wake up Grandpa.

Jean hadn’t moved from where he was standing, patiently waiting for me to close the door and come closer. His chin was buried in his thick jacket and I wondered just how long he’d been outside. I couldn’t think of any words so I just dragged myself forward and jerked my hands in exasperation. 

“Yeah, sorry about that,” he mumbled from under his coat and pet my head gently. He probably thought I was pissed at him for hitting me with a rock instead of for coming here at this hour. 

“What… just what is it?” 

“Oh you’ll see,” he turned on the opposite direction of my porch. “Come on, let’s bone out.”

“Is it far away?” 

“Nah.”

“Nah” turned out to be about half an hour or more of walking to the outskirts of the neighborhood, through thick grass and up what seemed like the hill of plum trees just outside of town. Thank God I was smart enough to bring a flashlight and shoes for rain. The open fields were dark and foggy, and the rain had left the ground a muddy mess because there was no asphalt, only earth. However the path was more or less hard, so there was still hope of not dirtying my shoes to the point of creating a piggy mud pit when I got home.

“Are you sure we’re on the right path?” I inquired cautiously. 

“Yes! I told you I’ve been here millions of times since I was a kid!” Jean was starting to lose patience. I had asked about four times already, but after all the walking, even now I couldn’t quite comprehend why would he take me to a place like this at night on the first place. This was the kind of thing to do on Halloween night, not now. Jean wouldn’t say where we’re heading, so it’s not like I could be certain we are going the right way. 

“Okay. We’re here,” he announced all of a sudden. 

I looked around but I couldn’t see anything special. We had walked all the way up the hill, and other than that we were on higher ground and surrounded by plum trees instead of corn and wheat, there wasn’t much going on. 

“We just need to get to the other side,” Jean continued as he turned left and I followed him. 

“Jean I don’t get this, why would-” but then I saw it. “Oh…” 

From the other side, the hill faced the big city, shining like a Christmas tree from far away. The illuminated alleys resembled a huge spider web of lights, tinting the sky just above it to a fuzzy orange. In all the years that I lived in our village-like town, it never occurred to me that we had such a view from the nearest hill. Even though I’ve been here countless of times. 

I was too stunned by the view that I didn’t notice Jean had started unpacking something. When I turned around, he was on his knees on an old blanket, holding a flashlight in his teeth and trying to assemble something in the relative dark.

“What are you doing, let me help,” I came around and took the flashlight out of his mouth. 

“Pretty isn’t it?” he asked proudly. He figured I’d never seen the view before. 

“Yes… but what are you doing now?” 

“I’m trying to set up this dumb telescope.” 

“A telescope?!” ‘Now’ I was stunned. 

“Yeah. I found this in the attic the other day. I got it as a present when I was a kid but I don’t remember doing much with it aside of the first week, when I stalked my neighbors.” He gave up on trying to set it up himself and pulled the instructions sheet out of his bag. “I figured you’d know how to use it properly. So you could show me constellations and stars and all that jazz… or we can watch some girls getting undressed!” he beamed. 

I was so excited at that moment, I’m sure my voice came out louder than expected. “This is amazing!!” It was. I had always wanted to try one of these, but I could never afford one, and the other kids had better toys to invest their money in than the stars. 

“Hey, help me out will you?”

We sat down on the blanket Jean had brought, which was slowly getting damp from the wet grass, and looked for any constellations I could remember. I realized the reason Jean had taken me here so late was because without the village lights, the stars were much more visible. The scenery was incredible.

“Over there is the cancer constellation. It looks like the letter Y but inverted. Do you see it?”

“No.” 

“Do you see the moon?” 

“Yeah.”

“Look to the right. Do you see it now?”

“No.” 

“Okay, let me put the telescope on the view.”

“I don’t know how the hell you can actually make forms of it. It’s just dots,” he commented tiredly. I had tried showing him the Gemini constellation because it had Pollux in it, but he couldn’t find it so I went for something easier first.

“Don’t be so negative, you tried to find Orion yourself!” 

“Yeah, that’s because only a true dumbass doesn’t know what the belt looks like. Even though it wasn’t even very visible tonight. Come on, it’s the most recognizable thing in the sky after the moon!” 

“You would be surprised that many people wouldn’t know even the name of it,” I said smiling. He huffed. 

“How do you do it?” 

“Do what?” 

“How do you know all this? You don’t even have a book for reference…” 

“Well…” his question was as honest as he was. There was no mocking behind it, which made me feel warm. I was indirectly, or even directly, being praised “Well, I think it’s just like how you remember all those chords and lyrics. It’s stuff that you love, and you remember it because it’s fun. And so do I.” 

“But it takes time for me to get those right. I practice a lot and I go over it almost every day,” he said. “I doubt you go over these things over and over again, do you?”

“Hmm, no, not exactly,” I focused the eyepiece to get a better close-up of the moon “You see, if it impresses me then I go over it a few times to remember, but it’s not the same. I am just committing things to memory, while you don’t just remember. You also put it into actions that take effort. You have to work on performance more than on memory, but to use both, and I think that what you do is amazing.” 

Jean was silent for a few seconds. Then he let out what sounded like a half sigh, half laugh. “Heh. Of course. It’s all about hard work, but…” his voice sounded less proud. “But I think you’re amazing too.” I turned my eyes away from the telescope but I still couldn’t make out Jean’s expression in the dark. “I don’t think it’s just about memorizing. That’s hard as it is sometimes but… you have a great mind, you just don’t realize it I think,” he continued. 

Maybe it was a good thing that we couldn’t see each other’s faces. I was sure my ears were red. I didn’t know how to respond, because I wasn’t sure I agreed. 

We sat in silence.

“Thank you for bringing me here…” I managed to say. 

“I knew you’d like the stars and the view,” he mumbled. His voice was soft and calm. Was he getting sleepy? “Is it the one over there?” 

“Huh? What over there?” 

“The cancer constellation,” he pointed out, stretching his arm and drawing it on the air “That one?” 

I came a bit closer to see better where he was pointing “Yeah.” 

“Finally!” he beamed “How does the Canis one you mentioned look like?” 

“Ummm,” I wondered if I should use pokemon references. I decided not to. “Give me your hand, I’ll draw it.” I said instead. His hand was surprisingly warm against mine, even though it was cold and he wasn’t wearing gloves. It only took him two minutes to find it this time. 

“I’m getting better at this!”

I laughed a bit, and focused on finding a close view of Pollux while Jean leaned back against the blanket. 

“Do you ever wonder…” I heard him mutter. “… if the stars shine out for you?” 

I smiled fondly. “It would be nice. But I don’t think so…”

“I used to believe that as a kid,” he sat back and I felt a tug in the blanket. “Mom used to tell me that the stars came out at night so I could see them shining their lights for me, to let me know that I wasn’t alone in the darkness and they were keeping an eye on me.”  
I hummed in thought. “That’s... that sounds sweet actually. It reminds me of something…”

“I heard something similar in Lion King once. I actually couldn’t get to look at mom the same way after that damn movie…” 

“Ohh?”

“Don’t tell Eren.” I laughed hard at that comment. “What! I’m serious!” 

“Only if you promise not to drag me to these things in the middle of the night again,” I said in between laughs. 

“You said you liked it!” 

“I do,” I paused. There was something still dancing in my head “But why?” 

“I told you why.” 

“It wouldn’t be a problem to have planned it out beforehand or for the next time I would go to your house. It’s not like we’re in any hurry, are we?”

He didn’t say anything, but he looked slightly restless. Finally after a few minutes of silence, he spoke. “There’s one more thing I wanted to… ask you…” 

I think my breathing stopped for a second. Suddenly my palms were sweaty. So I was right.

“Well… haha, this will sound kinda dumb but… umm...” He seemed to struggle with his own wording. “Do you think… do you think this is a good place for like, a date?” 

“… A date?”

“Yeah, I… I… well you know, I always thought the scenery was really nice and it would be perfect for a date… don’t you think?” 

“…” 

“I just really want to hear your opinion, umm, yours specifically.” 

“… Why?” 

He inhaled air as if he was about to blow up the tightest balloon. “Because I want to ask Mikasa out,” he said in a single breath. “And you’re her best friend… I would be an awful friend if I didn’t tell you first…I mean a lot of people don’t like it when one of their friends hits on another.” 

To be honest, I don’t remember feeling anything. There was no sadness, no anger, no happiness, nothing. I think I felt numb. It was weird. For a few seconds I tried to concentrate on figuring out whether I really was feeling anything because I had expected to. Maybe because I saw it coming a long time ago? Or because I spent night after night mentally preparing myself for similar case scenarios? I had no answer. But it didn’t matter. I just looked back into the eyepiece.

“I think she might like it,” I muttered calmly “just make sure it doesn’t rain beforehand.”

“Oh…” he sounded somewhat confused, but at the same time relieved. “I see. Thanks.” 

“I think I’ve found it.” 

“What?” 

“Pollux.” 

For the rest of the time we spent together on that hill, Jean seemed somewhat anxious while I had never felt calmer. The full realization didn’t hit me until we started to head back, and after saying goodbye in front of my house, only then I felt the waterfall of emotions and thoughts starting to pour down upon me. 

Should I have told him that Mikasa was in love with Eren? Should I have said it was an awful idea? But what if Mikasa actually goes for it? What if Eren and Mina get back together and Mikasa resolves to try something else? And what hit me most was tonight. Did he really want to show me that place only to ask if Mikasa would like it? That was the whole purpose of coming to my house at midnight and dragging me along? Was the stargaze just a noble excuse to not make me feel used? Almost like some kind of compensation? It wasn’t like Jean to do such thing, but that was how it felt…

I felt anger starting to boil up inside me. Anger towards myself. 

Exhaustion was overwhelming, but some stupid voice inside my head told me to go to the kitchen and pick something to nibble. Bad idea. Bad bad idea. On my way to the kitchen I stubbed my toe against the sofa. It didn’t hurt that bad since I was wearing shoes, but the sudden noise made jump back in panic and fright and I collided with the small table beside the sofa. I fell to the ground along with everything on it, and the telephone made a loud, metallic noise when it hit the floor and the handle started beeping. I just hoped I didn’t break it. Still on the ground, I tried to reach the flashlight in order to take a better look, but a deep, angered voice called me from the stairs. I froze.

“Armin! What is going on?!” Oh no.

“Uhhh…” Grandpa turned on the lights with dad’s old rifle in hand. He probably thought I was a thief. I was sweating uncontrollably even though it was cold, and tried to think of any possible excuses. I couldn't just lie about getting a glass of water when I was fully dressed and my shoes were covered in mud. I wasn’t fooling anyone. 

“Why are you dressed? Where were you? Did you go outside?” I stood up slowly and peeked at his face. He was staring straight into my eyes, and I felt my body shaking under his gaze. I was always a good kid so being caught in something like this frightened me a lot. It made me feel like some criminal child that stole his parent’s money to buy drugs and was busted in the process.

“I-I couldn’t sleep, s-so I went for a walk!” I tried my best to articulate and maintain composure, but my brain was freezing up.

“At this hour?! Why are your shoes so dirty? Just where were you?!” He wasn’t shouting but I still felt as if he was. 

“I-I…” I must’ve looked miserable, because Grandpa knitted his brows together and rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

“Clean up this mess and go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”  
He slammed the door shut behind him and I felt the vibration it made through the floor. Not wasting an extra second, I collected everything from the floor and put it in place before running up the stairs back to my room. All I wanted to do was to undress, crawl under my duvet, close my eyes, and forget about today. I ended up hugging the feathery air out of my pillow for about half an hour before realizing I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anytime soon. It’s becoming more and more frequent for me to stay awake at night and then feel tired all day. I’ve heard that happens once you enter high school but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. I don’t want to be like this, to feel like this.

I’ve been sitting and writing this since. My eyes feel heavy and watery but the sun is rising and there’s nothing else for me to do. I don’t feel like doing anything anyway. 

 

Feb 11th 

 

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was Mikasa’s birthday. I haven’t seen so many people surround our table at lunch since their last championship. I could swear the number duplicated. We had barely time to talk between all the “congratulations!” and “thank you’s.” I assumed that most of the people I didn’t recognize by face were seniors, but I didn’t put any effort on remembering them, and it seemed like neither did Mikasa. I felt pity for them though. They were after an impossible target. Mikasa treated everyone equally and so many would get their hopes up, but any attempt at getting “under her skin” would only get bluntly rejected. She only had time and kindness to spare for the ones she considered close friends. 

When the third break came by, we went to the back schoolyard, but since our usual bench was occupied by some junior girls, we just sat under the tree on the other side. Jean and Marco joined after a while, sitting down in front of us with a heavy drop.

“Finding some peace for the first time today I assume?” Marco asked humorously. 

“You have no idea how many times she had to pretend to go to the bathroom because these guys won’t stop following her around,” Eren answered, annoyed. 

“You’re making a big deal out of it,” she said calmly. “There weren’t that many, and I only used that excuse twice.” 

“Yeah, but you almost never go to the bathroom at school!” 

“Well, I don’t know how about the girls bathroom,” Marco shrugged with a grin, “but the boys bathroom is gross.” 

“Last week Sasha said there was a condom lying in one of the stalls,” Mikasa grimaced. 

“No way!” 

“Who the fuck would do it in a place like school. It’s nasty!” 

“Hey, when you’re desperate, you’re desperate.” 

“Yes Eren, we all know you’d do it even in the woods.” 

“The fuck you said…” Eren frowned in annoyance but he recovered pretty fast. “Well, the woods are still a better option than your horse stable!” 

“Oh yeah? Well, I bet you’ll do it in the bus central public bathroom!” Jean beamed despite his red face and Marco tried to stifle his laughter. We all knew the public bathroom of the central bus station was the most disgusting place in the state. 

“Oh really? Well I think that you…” They continued their fight, futilely trying to outdo the other. But Mikasa was smiling fondly and I think that was what mattered. As for Jean, he would throw me a glance occasionally only to look away as soon as I looked back. It was like he was embarrassed, and I wonder if it was because now I knew his secret. Thinking about it made my heartbeat speed up. 

That morning, I brought him the most recent picture of Mikasa that I had, which was difficult because we didn’t take that many pictures. It was from my last birthday. Jean was acting as usual and I appreciated it. I wasn’t feeling well and I needed to at least pretend. The morning after our stargazing adventure, I convinced Grandpa that I had just went out for a walk because I was feeling too energetic and I had dirtied my shoes because the streets were full of puddles. I don’t know whether he really believed me or not, but he was still angry because I went out so late at night. I knew I had to be careful from now on, and it was easy to tell that Grandpa was starting to become suspicious. Suddenly the questions about my friends, where I was going, and with whom were rising and it had only been a few days. I hate being watched over like that. I might explode if this continues, and I don’t want to make things worse. I told Jean about what happened once I came home, and we agreed to be more careful next time. In my words it meant “no more stupid midnight adventures,” but for Jean it probably meant “gotta just be extra sneaky next time so we don’t get caught.”

“But wait, does that mean you can still come the party Friday, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, I don’t see why not. He didn’t say I’m grounded or anything,” I replied. We were sitting in class alone; everyone darted outside as soon as the bell rung. I couldn’t blame them for not wanting to see the blackboard for longer than they should. Jean would usually protest about going outside too, but as soon as he noticed that I was practically the only soul left in the room, he silently picked a random chair and sat beside me with his feet on top of the table. 

“Will you make it in time? The drawing I mean,” I asked casually. I was flipping through the pages of my geography book uninterestedly, since I already knew it by heart. 

“Yeah, I think so. It should be fine. Why?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Does Marco know?” I don’t know what prompted me to ask that, but I only realized I had after hearing my own voice. Jean slowly lowered his feet back to the floor and looked at me warily. 

“About the drawing…?”

“About Mikasa.” I turned to look him straight in the eyes. I don’t even know what was I trying to accomplish by asking this, but I had to know. 

“...No,” he said, looking back at me, his eyes sincere. “Well, not exactly…” I quirked an eyebrow. “He knows I like her… but he doesn’t know about everything else.” 

“Why?”

“I… didn’t feel like telling him yet?” Jean shrugged.

“Why did you feel like telling me?”

“I told you why…” he said with sharpened eyes. I stared back, but though I thought I’d feel angry, I was only sad. 

My gaze slipped back to the book and I muttered a quiet “okay.”

“Armin, is there something wrong?” The question made me feel sadder. He put a hand on my forearm but the bell rang and people were filing into the room before he could get an answer. I shook my head no and tried to smile warmly. 

“Nothing is wrong,” I mumbled, and he didn’t respond. Jean stood up and looked at me one last time before heading to his own class.

We didn’t go to Benny’s to celebrate Mikasa’s birthday. I had work. Nobody passed by the shop that day, and even with Mrs. Mary around, I couldn’t help but feel alone.  
“it’s okay. Nothing is wrong.”

 

Feb 14th 

 

Everything is wrong. 

Every goddamn thing is wrong. This is going to be yet another painful night I won’t sleep through so I might as well vent. I’m grounded this time for sure, and whatever else is waiting for me in the morning isn’t going to be good news and hot pancakes. But whatever, I have time to be angry about it once it comes. As for right now, I feel lost. And disappointed. 

The party was today. It started around seven or eight in the evening, held in the house of some guy I didn’t know. I only knew he was from the football team, and that his house only about 15-20 minutes walking from my own. Jean and I agreed that he would bring the dumbbells and we would meet directly at this guy’s house.

I went with Sasha. All the while she chirped enthusiastically about how fun it would be and how delicious the food and snacks would taste. It was getting me excited as well, because if Sasha was ready to have some fun, so was I. She looked stunningly pretty and I wondered whether I should have picked a better outfit myself. For some stupid reason I thought it would be a great idea to wear my new “I love heavy metals” t-shirt. It was the very moment I entered the house that I understood it wasn’t. 

A tall, tanned brunette opened the door for us. Sasha said something by the lines of “we’re Mikasa’s sidekicks!” but I believe she didn’t even have to. The guy moved to the side almost immediately. As she passed by, I noted how he inspected her from scalp to toe with his jaw dropped. But then he saw me. At first he frowned, but when he spotted the drawing on my t-shirt, he snorted so hard that he had to cover up his mouth. I passed him by as quickly as possible and entered the common room. I didn’t even have a look around the house, for I was watching the guy from the side of my eye, as he called in another block and pointed at me. Both were snickering to the point of tears, and I felt so awful that I stopped to zip up my jacket uncaring of the heat. 

“Armin! What are you doing?” Sasha had quirked her brows, not understanding why I had suddenly stopped. “Come on! Let’s go,” she tugged at my arm and I let myself be dragged in. Only a few people were inside the living room and everything was clean and nice. I could swear there was no party going on, but as Sasha pulled me along I started to hear the music pounding along with the windows. Passing the living room and kitchen, was another huge room and the window-door to the backyard. The backyard was huge and I recognized a lot of people from school. Not only the football team was there, but also the track team, the cheerleaders, the basketball team and a lot of people that I assumed where friends of the previously mentioned. The backyard was quite crowded, but Sasha walked as if she knew where to go, still holding my hand as we moved in between the warm bodies that kept pushing us. 

Eren, Mikasa and some of the seniors from the football team (I think their names were Petra and Erd? I can’t really remember) were sitting at a wooden table that had the bench attached to it. I hugged both my friends eagerly before sitting down too. Sasha threw herself on Mikasa before pulling something out of her purse. It looked like a huge fluffy tail and I wondered how she could possibly put something so big inside that small bag of hers. 

“What is that…?” Eren stood up to peek curiously behind Mikasa’s shoulder. 

“It’s fox fur! From the Forest in the North!” Sasha cried out proudly. “I hunted it myself!” 

“Er… is that even legal?” I could hear the Erd guy whisper to Petra. 

“I don’t think so…” 

Mikasa didn’t seem to have heard, or more likely she didn’t care. It turned out to be a hat, and she put it on immediately and tried to measure it with her hands. It had a reddish-brownish color with single white hairs. By the look of it, I would say it would cost a lot of money on the free market.

“I love it.” She gave Sasha a calm smile, and that was all that was needed. Mikasa wore that hat all night, or at least all the time she spent with me. Sasha didn’t stay with us for long though, and soon enough she blended in between the crowd and I lost complete sight of her. I was silently gazing everywhere to get a glimpse of Jean, but it was hard with all the tall and wide upperclassmen moving around. 

“Just when did you guys arrive?” I asked Eren. 

“Not long ago actually. We came in with Petra, Erd and Gunter and have been mainly sitting here ever since.” 

“Did you already give her your present?” I pointed at Mikasa’s scarf, which looked like the old red one she’d always worn. 

“Yup! First thing in the morning actually. But for some reason she’s not very enthusiastic about using the new scarf though,” he shrugged. I nodded.

“What about Connie? Jean? Have they been around?”

“No, I think they haven’t arrived yet. At least we didn’t see them yet.”

“Oh. Alright.” For an instant I wondered if I should go look for them, but that would mean leaving the safe spot I had with Mikasa and Eren and I didn’t feel like being looked down on by the other guys. If I was around my friends everything was alright, but once alone I was just another small and insignificant nerd for them. But then it came to my mind that I was acting like a child. Why should I even care? It’s not like I was alone at some unknown place. Like Jean used to say, it’s not a matter of what they think, but of what I do. 

Oh yes. Jean was on my mind again. Just great.

I stood up to Eren’s confused expression and said I’d be right back.  
I wanted to show I can very well get by on my own and don’t need to be glued to my friends like gum.  
It was strange, but I felt more comfortable walking among strangers in the Cherry Bomb than in a crowd of people I saw almost every day. Looking to the side, I could see tables with snacks, beer, and even vodka. But mostly beer. How did they manage to get so much of it seeing the fact that almost everyone present was underage? I wasn’t surprised though. I knew that these kind of parties wouldn’t involve balloons, cake and soda. This was to be a “grown-up party” like the ones someone’s highschooler brother or sister told us when we were young. Those stories would always bring the thrilling conclusion that being in high school or college meant wild Friday parties with loud music, alcohol, drugs and sex. Some held the expectation of a sudden, almost magical change inside them once they passed the main school gate at the beginning of freshman year. I remember seeing guys and girls I used to know from class trying to “start anew” with cooler clothes and manners of speech that only felt weirder the more they talked. I bet they were shitting themselves the first day of school.  
But I didn’t feel any different, and I wondered whether it was just me or everyone else was really still the same. As the night continued, I realized the party wasn’t quite what I had imagined it would be. It’s not like I had expected to have that sudden magical puberty dust thrown into my face, but it didn’t really seem to be one of those super wild parties that would make me puke in the morning. Only after quite a while I would understand that I had simply come here with a wrong idea of a party. But I’ll get to that later.

The common room was slightly more crowded than when I entered the first time. It was mainly guys that were trying to move furniture around to have more space. I didn’t want to stand around like a creep, so I quickly decided to go outside. I stopped to admire the door, which had four locks on it. 

“You searchin’ for somethin’?” I heard someone say behind me and I jumped a little. It was the same guy that opened the door for me, together with the other he had called over to laugh at me. 

“Oh, I just wanted to look outside to see if my friends were nearby.” I said with confidence. They looked at each other for a second before moving me to the side and opening the door for me. I stepped into the porch and onto the street to look around. I spotted two girls walking in my direction slowly and another three people farther away but I couldn’t tell who they were. As I was about to reenter the house again, the door shut right in my face. 

“H-Hey!” I cried. I heard snickers on the other side and I pounded the door again. “Hey! Open the door!” Nothing. I tried ringing the bell but I doubted it bothered anyone. It wasn’t that loud.

“Fuckers,” I went back to sit on the porch but the stone was too cold, so I took off my jacket to sit on it. The girls I saw earlier passed in front of me and continued on their way. They weren’t going to the party after all. I rubbed my arms warm and felt the hairs on them stand. A familiar voice resonated from not too far away.

“…-ut nooo! You HAD to take all the fucking time shaving! Are you a man or what!”

“But what if a girl wants to shag?” 

“Who the fuck would want to shag with you!” 

“But what IF! I mean hypothetilly wh-”

“It’s ‘hypothetiCAlly’ you blockhead! And ‘hypothetiCAlly’ you are not supposed to shave your cock!” 

“Now now, there is no need to yell at each oth-”

“Hey isn’t that Armin?”

“What? Where?” 

I turned my head at the sound of my own name. Jean, Marco and Connie weren’t that far away but I noted how they sped up their pace to reach me. 

“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you inside?” 

“I was locked out,” I felt like telling the truth. I was humiliated enough to. 

“What?” Jean didn’t wait one extra second. He jumped at the door and pounded like he meant to break it down, and I suddenly regretted my decision. As the guy opened the door Jean pushed him and he almost fell backwards. 

“Hey! What’s your deal!”

“What is YOUR deal! Why is he outside?” Jean pointed a long finger at me and I felt the eyes of the guys that were peeking at us from the hallway on me. 

“Chill! We were only joking!” the other guy joined his side quickly with a snobby expression.

“If you’re going to be a fag about it, you can just leave! We don’t need a party pooper here,” he announced.

“Like I fucking care ab-” Jean was pushed back by a sturdy hand. 

“Don’t bother, Jean.” Marco’s face looked reassuring but I could see venom in his eyes. “You should calm down for Mikasa. I think they forgot that Armin is her best friend.”

“If you will excuse me,” Connie said, slipping between the two guys and shaking his ass like he owned the place. For a brief moment I thought they would get mad but they didn’t even flinch. Marco followed and Jean tugged me along. Just how much power did Mikasa have…? 

“Haha! Did you see the fear in his eyes? Dude was literally shitting them pants!” Connie whooped as soon as we entered the common room. 

“You idiot! You shouldn’t have walked in like that!” Jean rebuked.

“Huh? Weren’t we supposed to?”

“No, we weren’t,” Marco sighed. “In fact, I’d rather even leave. But I guess you did save us some tension.”

“Don’t tell Mikasa right now,” I interrupted “It’s her birthday party after all…” 

“Why? I think she might have some fun,” Jean smirked.

“She’ll rip off his dick!”

“And put it on top of the cake!”

“Then make him eat it.” 

I laughed. Strangely enough, I could actually imagine her doing it. 

“Nice shirt, by the way,” Jean smirked at me and I felt a deep pressure in my chest. I couldn’t repress a smile. 

“Thanks…” My joy didn’t last long though. We found Mikasa sitting with three other guys on the same table, but there was no sight of Eren.

“Huh? Where’s Eren?” I asked bluntly. I should have guessed.

“With Mina,” she replied coldly. I doubted she was listening to whatever it was these guys were telling her, because her eyes were focused on a wallflower that was hanging from the wooden structure above us.  
I don’t remember what Connie and Marco gave her, because I was mainly focused on helping Jean get the dumbbells out of his bag. I tried to peek at the drawing he was carrying, but it was packed away. Connie left almost immediately so he didn’t get to see it either.

Mikasa was surprised to get another present from me, since I had given her the book on Monday. I could tell she was a bit embarrassed. “I really needed these,” she confessed, smiling openly and trying out the dumbbells. “Thank you.” I could tell she was being honest. It made my chest puff with happiness and my cheeks go warm. Until I looked to my side.

“Ah, well, actually,” Jean stepped in, not quite looking at her and I noticed his ears going red. My smile dropped that very second. My heart beat probably as well.

“Let’s go…” I whispered to Marco. He looked at me questioningly but followed nonetheless. I couldn’t watch. I couldn’t. I’d prefer freezing my ass sitting on the porch outside. The pressure in chest was back again. I was starting to feel exhausted again. 

“What’s wrong?” Marco still had a questioning look on his face, but it looked more as if he was inspecting to see if there was something wrong with me. 

“Nothing… Just leave them…” Jean needed his time with Mikasa. Whether he was about to ask her out or not I didn’t care, but I wouldn’t stand around and watch Jean go hearty-eyed and drool over my best friend again. There was a red line for everything. 

“Why?” 

I didn’t answer. The music’s volume had been cranked and some people had started to dance around and talk loudly. Empty bottles and dirty plastic plates were lying on the floor everywhere. We were about to enter the house again, and I left with the excuse that I’d go look for a bathroom. It was mean of me to leave Marco behind like that but I needed some time alone. Or as alone as it could be in a party. 

After asking around, I found out that one bathroom was in the hallway and the other upstairs. I chose the latter in hopes of being alone but when I tried to open the door it was locked. I could hear two girls chatting inside. Why did women always go to the bathroom in pairs?

“I can’t believe you’re doing it here!”

“What do you want from me? I had no time at home!” 

“Yes, but shaving your ‘chacha’ like that is so unhygienic! What if you cut yourself!”

“I’ll take the risk. Jake has been feeling me up all night. I know he wants to fuck.” 

“He’s kinda drunk already, do you think he’ll be able to get hard?” 

“What’s with that question? Of course! Okay I’m going to start. Don’t look!”

Again with this? It sounded like some new trend I haven’t yet caught up with. So now everyone was shaving down there? When girls started to shave their legs at school Eren had asked his dad about it, for which he replied that only male athletes and sex workers shaved. I remember Mrs. Carla getting really pissed when he said that and hitting him with the newspaper. Sasha whined about her dad telling her she was too young to shave. I think Connie, Mikasa and me were the only ones that knew it was a lie. She was just too lazy to do it.  
For the first time I felt grateful for not being hairy. Thought I could imagine it catching up with me later on, since Grandpa was nearly a bear. Will I have to shave then too? How do you even use aftershave on your privates? Doesn’t it hurt?

 

-Note to self: Ask Connie about it later.

 

Then it suddenly struck me. They were talking about sex. Today was Valentine’s Day. Yet I was there being worried about shaving. 

I made my way back to sit on the stairs. The second common room was now more-or-less full, and I looked around in hopes of finding Eren. If I couldn’t have time alone, at least I could be with my best friend. To my dismay, I spotted one of the guys that used to hit me. A cold chill ran down my spine but the guy didn’t seem to notice me, and I couldn’t tell if he hadn’t seen me or just didn’t mind. Maybe when he’s not with the others he couldn’t care less? I preferred not to find out. I slid down the banister and made my way to the other common room, finding Sasha in front of a table trying to put various snacks together in a bizarre sandwich. I decided to check it out. 

“So how are you enjoying the party?” she asked me with her mouth partly full. I shrugged and asked her to show me how to make that same sandwich but after a bite I decided I wasn’t up to it. She ended up taking it herself. 

“Really though, I’m not really enjoying this…” I mumbled. 

“You won’t be having any fun if you’re sulking all the time.”

“I’m not sulking.” 

Sasha narrowed her eyes and looked at me as if she knew better. I didn’t like it one bit. “I thought you’d be with Eren.”

“He’s gone somewhere…”

“He’s over there,” she pointed out the hallway that lead to the kitchen. “I saw him there with Mina and another girl. I think he was actually looking for you.” 

“I see. I guess I’ll join him,” I was about to go but she grabbed my arm. 

“Whoever it is, you should probably get it out off your chest,” for a brief second, I saw a dead serious look on her face. It scared me a bit. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I almost ran to the kitchen. Eren really was sitting there. I was stunned by my best friend’s choice for a romantic place.

“There you are!” 

“There YOU are! Where were you? You’ve been gone for a while,” Eren seemed relieved to see me, and I wondered if he actually wanted to be here either. Mina waved to me happily and I nodded. I recognized the other girl sitting beside her as someone I saw frequently at school, but had almost no periods with. I think we were together in Geography but that’s all.  
She wasn’t a cheerleader but I remember seeing her around when I watched Eren and Mikasa’s training. Her name was Nifa and she has a pet parrot, likes ice skating and horror movies and owes all the discography of Queen. Or that’s what I remember from the conversation. 

I don’t know how long we sat together until I started to notice that Eren was getting really bored. I could tell almost 90% of what Mina and her friend were talking about didn’t interest him in the slightest. I still made my best effort to be polite and ask questions, but Eren had no tact at all. 

Aside of people passing by the hallway and Connie popping in to steal something from the refrigerator, we were generally alone in the kitchen. I inquired about when Mikasa was going to cut the cake, but nobody had any idea. Eventually Eren and I went to look for her, leaving Mina and Nifa behind. 

“Phew! Finally some fresh air!” he commented when we walked passed the hallway. 

“If you were so bored, why did you go there in the first place?” I asked.

“I met with Mina first and, you know,” he blushed. “But then later her friend joined and from there on it was just like watching the grass grow.” 

“So are you two…”

“Well… no, I wouldn’t say so,” he hesitated. “But today is kinda special I guess.” I had no idea what that meant so I just shrugged. If Eren wasn’t ultimately together with Mina again maybe it was good news anyway.

“She had asked about you, you know?” he stated then.

“Mina?”

“No, Nifa. Apparently she knows you from Geography.” 

“That’s nice,” I yawned. 

“I think she’s interested in you.”

“ I don’t think so.”

“Armin, she ‘asked’ about you,” he restated. 

“Asked what?” 

“Whether you came, whether you also were with someone tonight…” Eren explained and I turned to frown at him. “Well, Mina said so too and…” 

For a brief second there I was almost surprised that Eren had picked that up by himself. When it came to romance he was completely oblivious. He couldn’t even tell that the girl living with him under the same roof had feelings for him. I didn’t answer him, I preferred to leave that aside. Knowing Eren, he probably wouldn’t question about it again unless I myself brought up the topic. He does have a bit of discretion now that I think about it. 

Mikasa was nowhere to be found. So was Jean. When we asked around, nobody had seen her. Silently I pondered if they had gone somewhere together. Did he really take her to the plum hill? I doubted so, since it was a party for her and the hill was a bit far away. But the image of him taking her there didn’t leave my head. 

Mikasa and Jean appeared more than half an hour later. By that time everyone that had been dancing around had sat down around tables or on the floor to play card games and spin the bottle. Two girls were already sitting without their shirts and shoes. Of course. What party could possibly go without the games invented to embarrass you in front of everyone and make you do stupid things. 

It’s not like I despised them. I actually loved silly games like those, but I had been so bored and restless all this time that everything looked pointless to me. Aside from Marco, who joined me and Eren later on, it was mostly me sitting around while someone talked to Eren. Aside from Mina’s friend back in the kitchen, all the people that came to talk to Eren showed no interest in me. Even when I asked things, I would get a short answer and nothing else back. Eren was getting slightly drunk, with all the beer that the other guys were bringing him, but he wasn’t even half as drunk as some guys and girls I saw around. I remember someone vomiting on the lawn in the backyard, and some girl had started crying while three others comforted her. 

Sasha and Connie seemed to have their own thing going on, running around and laughing. I think at some point they managed to steal someone’s underwear and used it as flag on a wooden spoon. Marco left us to join them and I felt tempted to as well. I had no idea whether Eren wanted to come too or not, but I couldn’t just pull him out of a group of tall and well-built guys like the one he was surrounded by now. And I didn’t want to leave his side either, because he would talk as if I was part of the conversation, even if he was the only one looking at me at all. 

When Mikasa entered with the giant cake Mrs. Carla had baked, I almost cried hallelujah. We sang her happy birthday and she blew the candles. I noted Jean was beside her all the while, but he didn’t seem as flustered as before. Marco was quick to join his side and they started whispering something between them. I lowered my gaze after a while.

Then someone said something by the lines of “Happy Birthday to the best football player this school has ever seen! And happy Valentine’s for the rest of you!” and then proposed a slow dance and everyone cheered. Everyone except me.  
Slowly, I backed up until my back hit the wall, and observed everyone else getting into pairs like it was some school project. Of course I wasn’t the only one; many other girls and guys were still sitting around. Some were too drunk or tired to dance, some just didn’t care. 

A song I recognized from the radio was playing. It was a sad song, and I pondered why would someone consider a song about a woman being unable to forget her partner to be romantic enough for a slow dance on Valentine’s Day. 

I looked around. Eren was dancing with Mina. 

“Armin! Come on! Join us!” I heard Connie shout happily. He was bouncing my way with Sasha and Marco. 

“May I have this dance?” Marco stated politely, but instead of making moves of a gentleman, he made ones of a lady. I laughed. 

“It’s alright. I don’t really feel like dancing,” I declined. Connie was about to insist, but Marco shushed him. 

“Feel free to join us anytime then,” he smiled. I nodded and they were off to dance in an awkward trio. On other occasions I wouldn’t hesitate to join them, but my eyes were watery and my chest was heavy and I had chills all over my body. I just wanted to go home already. 

“Ummm…” someone beside me murmured quietly and I looked up to see Nifa. “Aren’t you lonely over here?” 

I shook my head no. “I’m fine,” I muttered. She stood beside me with her back facing the wall, imitating my pose.

“Would you like to dance?” she asked politely. 

“I don’t know how,” I said sincerely. I didn’t know anyway.

“I don’t know either,” she said then. I turned to face her, and she looked back with a small smile. I knew I would feel like a complete jerk later if I declined a girl with enough courage to ask me to dance instead of waiting to be asked. 

“Alright,” I mumbled as kindly as I could and extended my arm. Her face lit up like a stadium light and she took my hand eagerly. I just hoped she wouldn’t notice how sweaty it was, but she didn’t seem to mind. 

“Do you like listening to heavy metal?” she pointed to my shirt once we started moving. She had her arm over my shoulder and I found that we were slightly too close for my liking. 

“Sometimes…” I answered. ‘Yeah, whenever I’m at Jean’s, or Jean is playing some,’ I reasoned in my head. Jean yet again… 

“Yeah, me too,” Nifa murmured.  
I looked to my sides to see the people around us. I spotted Jean quickly. My blood was boiling. He was dancing with Mikasa… 

“You know,” Nifa said suddenly. “I find it really cute when you get so enthusiastic in Geography class.” 

“Is that so…?” I turned my eyes to her again. She was looking straight into mine and it made me feel like was I naked before her. 

“Yeah… you look like you really love what you learn… and I find that really really cute.” Her eyes locked with mine and I couldn’t break away no matter how badly I wanted to. I was perplexed. I could barely move around when dancing. 

The song was coming to an end and she was starting to lean in. She was about to kiss me. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. When I felt her breath on my lips, I panicked. 

“I didn’t shave my pubes.”

That was all I could blurt. 

She stared at me in shock and I stared back at her dumbly. The song ended abruptly. Then she let out a chuckle and started laughing so hard that she had to lean against my chest for support. Everyone around turned to look at us, and my face heated up so much I thought it would explode from inflating. My blood was running so fast in my veins I could barely hear. 

I looked around to see Jean. He had let go of Mikasa and was staring right at me. He had such a strange expression, but I didn’t have time to decipher it. I gently pushed Nifa away, who was still laughing.  
“I’m sorry… I need to go…” I whispered to her before jumping to run towards the hallway and then the stairs. 

The bathroom upstairs was empty this time, and I locked the door. It looked like someone had puked in the toilet, so I didn’t get any closer. Instead, I sat down on the smooth rug and leaned against the door. I wasn’t embarrassed anymore, yet started to felt oddly empty. Then someone knocked at the door. 

“Busy,” I responded apathetically. 

“Armin, it’s me...” Jean? No, I wasn’t hallucinating, it really was him. “Can I come in or are you doing business?”

I hesitated for two seconds, but I stood up, unlocked the door, then sat back down again. Jean stepped in silently, holding a beer and watching me carefully before sitting beside me with our arms touching. I felt like pulling away. 

“Want some?” He offered the bottle to me, but I shook my head. “So you’re not feeling the party much either, huh?” 

I didn’t answer. I heard him take a sip and the sound it made when he swallowed. I hugged my knees to myself. 

“How did it go?” I asked instead.

“What did?” 

“Did you ask her out?” 

“Is that why you immediately left with Marco? You thought I was about to ask her out?” I could almost hear anger in his voice. The stench of cheap beer reached my nose and I cringed.

“Well, didn’t you?” I hoped to not sound angry myself. I had nothing to be angry about, I told myself.

This time he didn’t answer. He took another sip and I stared at my feet. We sat like that for about two solid minutes. 

“I did,” he answered finally and inhaled hard. “Say…”

“Hmm?” 

“She’s into Eren, isn’t she?” 

“Did she tell you that?” 

“No, but I’m not blind.” He put the bottle aside. “Unlike him.” 

I didn’t know what to say. I had promised Mikasa I wouldn’t tell anyone, but if Jean already noticed…  
“… And you knew about this,” he fumed. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

“I-I…” I felt my eyes getting wet and I blinked a few times to dispel it. “I thought that at least you c-could have a chance…” 

He probably had no idea, but I didn’t mean Mikasa. I meant myself. Because even if I didn’t have a chance anymore, maybe he did. And if Mikasa was thinking about getting over Eren, she could have even said yes. I wanted her to be happy, whether she was with Eren or not, and the same went for Jean. I knew she would probably reject him, but I also knew that of all people he might’ve still have a chance, even if it was 0.001%. 

“Well, I didn’t,” he replied dryly. 

“… Sorry…”

“It’s alright. We’re still friends and shit. It just kinda hurts ya’ know?” 

My nose was beginning to run and I rubbed it with my sleeve. If I breathed in Jean would notice that I was crying. 

“But hey! I took the risk!” he blurted, lifting the bottle as if he was about to toast. 

“Haha, you’re still okay with that?” I laughed a bit, rubbing my eyes clean. 

“Yeah, it wasn’t too bad.” He took another sip and this time I gathered the courage to look at him. 

“Jean…” 

“Hm?” 

I felt my own heart choking me but I had already started. “That night… at my house…”

“What about it?” 

“About what happened…” I wish I was brave enough to say it, but I also wish I had kept my mouth shut. Jean sighed, and I think he knew what I was talking about. 

“Let’s just leave it there,” he didn’t look at me when he said it. 

“Nothing happened.” 

He started to stand up, but then he paused to pull me into a close, warm hug and kiss my scalp. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he murmured. Then he stood up, opened the door and walked away.  
And I sobbed. I felt pathetic. So damn pathetic. I didn’t even stand up to lock the door again, I just sat there and bawled my eyes out. If someone walked in and saw me like that I wouldn’t be able to feel any worse than I already did. I just wanted to go home so badly. I just wanted to get out of there. After calming down enough to breathe steadily, I stood up and locked the door. I tried to wash my face but my eyes and nose were still red and inflamed. I definitely didn’t care about the party anymore. I was going home. 

I stormed down the stairs trying to not look at anyone. 

 

“Hey, little guy, you alright?” someone asked. I glanced at him just long enough to recognize him as a guy from track team that had talked to Eren before. He was standing just under the stairs and eying me with a frown. Four more turned to look at me.

“Yeah… I’m alright.” 

“Do you want a drink?” he said offering me a glass. I saw a bottle of vodka in the hand of another guy.

“No thank you,” I turned to leave but then I heard it. It was just a whisper, but I heard it. 

“What a faggot.” 

At that moment my blood raced and my heart throbbed. I turned around and took the bottle out of the hands of the guy that had spoken and gave it a mouthful.  
“H-hey!” the guy cried out but it was too late, I had already pressed the bottle to my lips. I wasn’t going to drink it, just I let it fill my mouth, but I regretted it deeply when the disgusting liquid touched my tongue. I pulled the bottle away and threw it back to the guy, spilling it on his clothes and the floor. All the other guys stood watching in shock, but nobody did anything when I turned around and raced away. 

I stormed inside the second bathroom in the hallway to spit it out. I didn’t even care if there was someone inside or not. My mouth was on fire and I felt like vomiting, but since I had barely eaten anything since lunch there was nothing to throw up. I tried desperately to wash out the bitter taste, when I heard someone open the door behind me. I froze. For a moment I feared the guys had come after me to beat me up but to my surprise a gentle hand lifted my hair off my face to help me.

“It’s okay. It’s me,” Marco said tiredly but reassuringly. “I saw what happened. Armin, why did you do that?” 

I shook my head as if to clear the memory from my head. He didn’t ask further, and passed me the towel.

“I’m going home,” I finally croaked.

“I’m going with you.”

“You don’t need to do that. I’m okay.”

“I want to leave too. So let’s leave together,” he assured me. He probably wouldn’t take no for an answer. I nodded, resigned. 

“Just tell the others you’re leaving too,” he guided me out, staying close as if he was afraid I’d run away. Maybe he was.

“Connie!” 

“Ah!” Connie answered from the nearest circle of people on the floor. He was sitting with a red, concentrated face focused on the five cards laced in his hand.

“Can you tell the others that Armin is leaving? He’s not feeling well. I’ll go with him. I already told Jean I’m leaving.” 

“Okay,” he yelled back, giving us a brief look of concern. “Feel better!”

A wave of frozen wind blasted me when we exited the house and I hurried to zip up my jacket. Marco did the same and laughed. “Damn it, it was warm inside huh?” he mused from under his coat collar. “To freeze our asses off or to stay inside with the reek of beer and fake smiles. Tough choice.”

I sneered. He patted my shoulder. “Let’s go.”

We got used to the cold after five minutes. The streets were dead, and the only sound was the slap of our shoes hitting the hard asphalt.

“Say, are you alright?” 

“I guess,” I replied. I had calmed down enough that the only feeling that registered was heavy, unbearable exhaustion. 

“If there’s anything you want to talk about, just say it. Okay?”

“What there is to talk about?” 

“I don’t know. I’m not saying there is anything. I’m only saying ‘if’ there is.” 

“Okay,” I rubbed my hands together to heat them. “Marco?” 

“Hm?” 

“Are you too tired?”

“Nah.”

“Do you mind if… if we don’t go to our houses yet?” 

He smiled at me like we were about to do something mischievous. “Nope! I don’t mind.”

Despite the drowsiness, walking around a bit didn’t sound too bad. I had a lot to think about and I didn’t feel like coming back home this early. I had told Grandpa that I’d be back late but not too late as a demonstration that I really was a responsible kid. Marco and I ended up strolling for about another two hours. He didn’t ask me anything else regarding the party, and I didn’t bring it up. Instead we talked about school, TV shows we needed to catch up on, and any funny memories that came to mind.

“… And then, like, imagine! Jean’s mom walks in, Jean is screaming bloody murder with a deck brush in hand, I’m on the floor, and the neighbors are grouping around the mailman outside. And you can already hear the wee-ooh-wee-ooh of the ambulance in the background! Ten minutes to make that mess!” Marco laughed and I joined in. The sides of my cheeks were starting to hurt.

“How did it end?” I blurted in between chuckles.

“Well, let’s say Jean wasn’t allowed to watch TV for like a week. Don’t know about the mail man!”

“My goodness, that’s hilarious! I never heard that one before!”

“Haha, Yeah. Jean doesn’t like to talk about these stories. He thinks it makes him look stupid.”

“I think it makes him quite a genius actually. He was such a funny kid!”

“Oh, he still is. He just doesn’t show it as much lately,” Marco’s smile weakened and his eyes spaced out a bit. “I can’t blame him though. With all that’s going on right now…”

“Huh? What’s going on right now?”

“You know,” he mused “The divorce and all?” 

“What? What divorce?!” I might have been distracted lately but there was no way in hell I could have missed something like this. 

“He didn’t tell you? His parents are getting a divorce and he’ll probably be moving temporarily.” 

“What?!” I was shocked. Why hadn’t Jean said anything?! Why did only Marco know about this?!

Apparently he understood my thoughts because he hurried to add “O-oh well, he didn’t tell me anything himself either! I only knew because our moms talked about it… I just thought that, umm well, you are also pretty close and…” 

I used to think so too. But apparently Jean didn’t. 

“Why didn’t he tell me…” I was honestly feeling hurt. After that moment in the bathroom I thought that our friendship could possibly deteriorate but now I realized that maybe there wasn’t much to deteriorate in the first place.

“Armin, I don’t think he’s told anyone yet. You know how he is. He either says everything to your face or doesn’t say anything at all,” Marco tried to reassure me, but it wasn’t helping. “He’ll probably tell you himself soon.”

It’s not like he has a choice. He can’t think he’ll just disappear one day and then I’ll figure out he actually moved. But I nodded anyway, wondering how long this had been going. “I guess. I think we should head home now.”

Marco looked like he regretted having talked, but he nodded and we started to walk again. We’d been talking for long that we somehow forgot about the cold, but now that silence was settling in, the cold was back. I hated the cold. I was thinking about Jean. And his parents. And Grandpa. And Eren and Mikasa. Where they still at the party? Did the party already end? Did that girl from the bathroom get lucky? 

When we passed by a less illuminated street, I looked up at the sky to see the stars. Marco saw me staring and looked up as well.

“Wow… so pretty…” he said. 

“You know…” My throat was sore, and my voice came out raw. 

“Hm?”

“At least once… I’d like the stars to shine out for me.” 

When we reached my house, I stopped walking and looked at Marco. I couldn’t thank him enough for everything. Hanging out with him for this these two hours had been more fun than the entire rest of the night, and even if a little, it relieved the stress from earlier. 

“Well. I’ll see you around I guess!”

“Marco?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you…” He offered me a smile, but instead I came closer to wrap my arms around him. He accepted the hug readily, patting my back.

“For real though, if you need to talk, don’t hesitate,” he chuckled.  
But once again, my joy was short. When I entered the house, the lights were on. 

“Where have you been?” Grandpa’s stern question took me by surprise and I nearly dropped the keys. 

“Grandpa? Why are you awake? And I told I was at the party for Mikasa’s birthday…” 

“I’ll ask again. Where have you been?” I began to shake and it wasn’t just from the cold. 

“I-I told you…” 

“That’s it? You’ve only been at the party?” 

I tried to think what this was about but nothing came to mind. “Yeah?”

“Your friends called. Asking if you were feeling better because you left and they were worried. That was about an hour and half ago.” I felt a chill run down my spine. 

“Oh…”

He stood up from his chair and came closer. I backed off. “Have you been drinking?” 

“No…” 

“Come closer.” 

I didn’t. I wasn’t allowed to drink yet. In fact, nobody at the party was, but I was banned from it not only by age, but by Grandpa. Two hours had passed, but what if he could still smell the vodka? Grandpa took my hesitance as an affirmative anyway. “You know you are not allowed to drink!”

“But I didn’t!”

“Where were you for two hours? What are you doing in the middle of the night?!” He wasn’t yelling yet, but I could tell he was furious. 

My eyes were getting watery again. “I’m not doing anything stupid,” I said quietly, blinking fast. 

“Then what ARE you doing?”

“Walking…” I said and swallowed hard. He shook his head.

“Go to your room. We’ll talk in the morning,” Grandpa dismissed, but I stayed in place.

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“I said go to your room!” This time he almost yelled and I threw the keys aside and ran upstairs. 

As if tonight wasn’t already enough. Now this. I felt like punching the wall but I ended up reluctantly sitting on my bed and letting the tears of anger and frustration run down my cold cheeks. I was so tired.  
I kicked my shoes off and changed fast but it was clear to me that I wasn’t about to fall asleep. 

So here I am. I’ve been writing this all through what remains of tonight. Soon enough Grandpa will wake up and interrogate me again. 

I need a new notebook. There are only a few pages in this one left.  
Good morning, brave new world. Good night to the Moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the people that commented on my work brought something to my attention. So I apologize for my inaccuracy. In fact, it is true that there were possibly no yaoi-oriented mangas in the US in the early 90's. In my case, I remembered some of my friends having adult mangas that were either in japanese or pirated ones that were translated. But those were from mid to late 90's, and it wasn't in the US. So please forgive my mistake, I hope you can still enjoy the story.  
> [Here's a little song for today's chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iqqTguQGw0)  
> If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my [Tumblr](http://myjellybat.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> The prologue is incredibly short but that is exactly how it needs to be. The chapters, however, will be much much longer.  
> Special Thanks to my beta purple-pyro. I will thank her on each chapter :)


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